This is possibly the first paragraph of a story i'm kind of, sort of, not really working on. It's (maybe) the start of a trilogy I plan to write in the distant future, The Chronicles of Oblivion. That's the name of the trilogy, the name of the book I think will be The Sight. I'd really like some input on what I could improve on or change to have a better start to a story i'd love to get published one day.
The insane were cursed in the land of Nenyn. Possesed by demons or dark spirits, it was said, as pennance from the Gods for having sinned in a past life. It had been spreading lately, like a plague, claiming more victims every year. They were not pitied, these poor souls, but feared and hated. They were left alone, if their family was religious enough to believe that they as well would be cursed for sheltering a demon child. Left to be captured and thrown into an asylum or prison, or die wandering the cold, sunless forests, said to be inhabited by dark dietes. Some were worse then others, capable of taking care of themselves for the most part, unless they were caught. If anyone was discovered speaking to an unseen presence or preforming a strange ritual, that was the end of it. But some could hide it; some could pretend to be normal.
That was Trevin's case. He could act as though he didn't see dancing orbs of light or ghostly specters gliding just above the ground, or hear the dark whisperings of distant evils. He had become quite good at it in fact. Until he was discovered. Until every glimmer of hope in his future was destroyed.
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks for the critiques from you guys, they were really helpful. As for your question about why I went ahead and told what happened to Trevin, I had wanted to have one of those little chapter in a chapter type things, where the author usually switches setting or character perspective, then start with him already captured. But I think it would be a lot better if I started with him getting captured. I might as well write a bit more of the chapter while i'm at it. *runs off to do a rewrite*
interesting. Me gusta! I'd totaly go and read if you post it!
A great entrance to what could be great story, I like the suspense in the second paragraph, and the concept in the first paragraph sounds interesting, could be great if you extend it and elaborate on it further into the story.
I'm intrigued, tell me more!
The second paragraph starts out nicely, sort of introducing the character and his avoidance of the situation mentioned above but...then you say, "Until he was discovered." and its broken. Both paragraphs are like a poor prologue to a fantasy story. But I should say before I get into this, I don't normally read fantasy, but as a general reader, critique, and writer, it could be done so much better.
The first paragraph is major info dump, and you shouldn't start your story with that. Instead, start with action. Start with Trevin being captured, BUT, don't tell us he was captured, show it to us. Don't even tell us why, you can wait a few paragraphs, even pages for that. We don't need to know all the background, help-this-make-sense info until later on, first you want to hold us by the throat, and demand us to read.
Which is almost the same thing I have to say about the second paragraph; why ruin it for us and tell us what happened?
I think if you rewrote it, starting with action, and maybe later on explaining to us why this is happening, you would have a better chance of pulling in your readers. Now, I'm not saying you write bad, of course not ^_^ beginnings are just tough, heck, I suck at them too! I just know some ways to make them good, I just can't write them...
When you do go and rewrite it, when adding the info dump, try hard not to put it all in one spot. Maybe explain in between dialog, or action, or have the MC thinking, or talking. Who knows. Just don't drop it to us and go THERE! but I'm sure you get what I am saying
Best of luck! I really hope this advice helped ^_^ if you rewrite the beginning, I'll take another look and see how you improved. If you want to PM me for more help (or if you want me to look at it in private, which is fine) go right ahead.