z

Young Writers Society



fantasy love story

by Hayleyhall


Chapter 2

She continued to stuggle and avoid the handcuffs. Then suddenly a huge brown eagle swooped down and began attacking the officer. The officer tried to bat away the eagle, but then suddenly the eagle stopped and landed in front of Jamie. Jamie watched as the eagle transformed in to a being with long blond hair and pointed ears.

“Leave her alone!” ordered the being.

The officer stared at him for a moment with a shocked look on his face. Then suddenly he looked very angry and pulled out his gun.

“You get away from her whoever you are!” the officer shouted.

“No you get away!” shouted the being.

Then the being pointed at the officer and suddenly a huge blast of light came from his hand and struck the officer knocking him out. The he reached down and helped Jamie stand up.

“Thank you so much!” Jamie said.

“No problem.” the being replied.

“What is you name?” Jamie asked curiously.

“My name is Dymus, king of the elves.” The being said proudly.

“I’m Jamie Wilson.” replied Jamie.

“I know you name already.” Dymus said kindly.

“How?” asked Dymus.

“I came to your mother just before she died and told her about me. I told her that I was interested in you because I’ve been watching you for so long. Then her last words to me were to take care of you. So that is what I’m going to do.” Dymus explained.

“So you tried to save them?” Jamie asked.

“Yes I did, but as you saw I was unsuccessful.” he said sadly.

Jamie suddenly hugged him tightly and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Dymus blushed and smile hugging her back.

“He may wake up soon.” Dymus said looking down at the officer, “What do you say? Want to come live in my world. I will make sure you’re never sad ever again.”

“Yes let’s go!” Jamie replied.

Dymus reached his hand out and Jamie grabbed it. Then they disappeared in a huge cloud of green smoke. Then reappeared in a large field surrounded by the most beautiful flowers and trees that Jamie had ever seen in her life.

“Wow!” Jamie exclaimed, “This is your world? It’s beautiful!”

“I’m glad you like it.” said Dymus smiling, “because it’s your home now.”

Jamie looked around at the scenery and took in all of it’s beauty. The she sat down in the long green grass and Dymus joined her.

“I’m tired.” she said.

Then she laid her head down on Dymus’ lap and her smiled. He stroked her hair as she fell asleep. Another elf walked across the field and was about to say something, but stopped when he saw Jamie asleep on his lap.

“Is that her?” the elf whispered.

“Yes.” Dymus whispered back.

Jamie suddenly woke up and looked up at the elf.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.” said the elf.

“Oh you didn’t wake me I just woke up. Who are you?” replied Jamie.

“My name is Tutamus.” said the elf.

“He’s my best friend.” said Dymus.

“Pleased to meet you.” Said Jamie smiling.

“Are you heading to the castle soon?” Tutamus asked.

“Yeah I think we will.” replied Dymus.

Tutamus turned around and looked across the field.

“Lue come here boy!” he called.

Then a beautiful white horse came across the field to them.

“Here use my horse. It’s a long way to the castle from here.” said Tutamus.

“Thank you Tutamus!” Dymus said getting up.

“No problem buddy!” Tutamus replied.

Dymus helped Jamie onto the horse then climbed up behind her.

“See you later buddy!” Dymus called to Tutamus as they started across the field.

When they reached the city Jamie looked around excitedly at all of the buildings. Every one of them was made of gold. They all seemed to shine in the sunlight. They were almost to the castle when they were confronted by three elves.

“Move! Out of our way now!” shouted Dymus.

“No humans allowed in this city.” one of them said glaring at Jamie.

“Last I checked I was the king of the elves not you therefore I say who is and isn’t allowed in this city.” Dymus said smartly.

“Oh yeah? We’ll just have to see about that.” the elf said, “Come on boys we have some planning to do.”

The three elves gave them an evil smile and walked away. Dymus noticed the worried look on Jamie’s face.

“Don’t worry about them. Always remember you have me to protect you.” said Dymus.

They finally arrived at the castle and Dymus hopped off of the horse then helped Jamie down. He walked up to the huge front doors and lifted his finger towards the doors.

“Open!” he commanded.

Then the doors magically began to open. Jamie watched in awe as the huge golden doors opened revealing the beautiful inside of the castle.Dymsu took her hand and they walked inside. They were greeted by a some what short elf who bowed to him.

“Hello Symus.” Dymus said, “Could you start lunch for us please?”

“Sure right away your majesty.” replied Symus.

Jamie liked that Dymus was nice to his servants. She was even starting to fall in love with him. She looked up at his face and noticed that he looked to be about her age, but she was afraid to ask because she didn’t want to offend him in any way.

“Come sit over here with me.”Dymus said as he walked over to a nearby bench.

She sat down next to him and he put his arm around her. She smiled and looked up at him.

“You know Dymus, I think I may be in love with you.” Jamie said before she could stop herself.

“Dymus looked down at her and gave her his biggest smile.

“I love you too Jamie.” he replied still smiling.

They leaned closer to each other and kissed. Then Symus came out and walked over to them.

“Your majesty, your lunch is ready.” said Symus.

“Thank you Symus we’ll be right there.” replied Dymus.

Symus walked away and Dymus looked at Jamie and smiled at her. Then they got up and headed for the eating room. When they arrived Dymus walked over to the table and pulled out a chair then motioned for Jamie to sit there. She walked over happily and sat down. Then Dymus Walked to the other side of the table, grabbed the chair there and carried it over beside Jamie and sat down. Symus came in with a large tray of food and set it down on the table. Symus gave a bow and then left the room. Dymus dished out a large helping of potatoes on a plate and handed it to Jamie.

“Thank you.” she said with a smile and began to eat.

“You’re very welcome.” Dymus replied smiling and then began to eat also.

They ate their lunch and Symus came back in and collected the plates. When he had gone back to the kitchen Dymus and Jamie got up out of their seats and looked at each other smiling.

“Well did that fill you up?” Dymsu asked.

“Oh yes.” replied Jamie.

Dymus examined her torn and dirty black dress then looked at her.

“I’m going to have my servants make you a new dress.” he said, “That one looks like it’s seen better days.”

Jamie looked down and laughed. Then Dymus called for a servant to bring in the measuring rope. Dymus measured Jamie then whispered something to the servant. The servant nodded his head and left. Jamie looked out the window and noticed it was getting dark. She started to get tired and when Dymus noticed he came over to her.

“Would you like to go to bed? You look tired.” Dymus said.

“Sure that sounds great.” she replied with a yawn.

Dymus surprised her by picking her up and then carrying her down the hall to the bedroom. When the reached the bedroom he opened the door, walked over the to the bed and set her gently on the bed. Then he took off his boots and laid down next to her on the bed. When he saw that Jamie was asleep he laid back and relaxed. Soon after that he was asleep.


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157 Reviews


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Mon Feb 25, 2008 10:24 pm
onceuponatim3xo wrote a review...



Pickle810 is right, your sentece structure seems weak. It's like your demanding these facts into us -like a teacher (and nobody likes getting a lecture from a teacher :lol: )

My advice is that you use much MUCH more descriptions. Just try to describe the palace more, describe the field that they were in. What color were the flowers? Was the smell of the field damp and earthy, or did it smell wonderful from the flowers. Details, details, details!

What really makes a story great is when you explain and describe things a lot better, but don't drill the senteces into our brains, have them flow.

Also, you had A LOT of dialogue in your story, I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but it's not the best thing to do - it gets rid of all suspense and quickens the story to be too fast.

And then, there's the situations...
Quite frankly it wasn't at all believable!


As Pickle 810 said:

And Jamie, unless she's sort of an idiot, would be rather unlikely to just say "Sure, lemme just follow a complete stranger into another world!"



Think about what you would do, do you really think that you'd follow this guy and decide that you want to live with him?

What are her emotions, what's going on? What she does in a situation seems highly unbelievable! I mean, yes, I'd probably have a crush on a guy when I meet him - just because of his looks - but I definitely wouldn't be in love with him. I'd just met him, I don't know anything about him! And it's the same for Jamie!

When you write, next time you should think "hey, self, do you think that this is believable? Would that really be how it turns out?"

Yes, this is fantasy, but I don't think that Jamie is a super-human who is completely different from us.


My advice - the key things that you need to work on are descriptions, believability, and you need to SLOW DOWN! You're going way too fast! Make this romance between Dymus and Jamie pan out after they get to know eachother more. Yes, you may be excited to get to the good stuff, but what about the readers who don't know about the "good stuff" yet, they're excited to see how this romance will go between Dymus and Jamie and it's a BIG disappointment when Dymus kisses her after TWO MINUTES of meeting her!



Sorry, I feel like I'm being sooooooo extremely mean! That's not like me, so please don't take any of this harshness to heart if you can't handle it. And always, always, keep writing! :D


Now, enough with the cons, let's leave this review off with the pros!

You have an excellent plot so far, it just needs a little dressing up to make it more interesting. Also, I like your characters, although I would like to know more about them.

I like where you're headed with this story and I can't wait to read more! :D




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 1:25 am
Pickle810 wrote a review...



Whoa! You have zero reviews and two posts! Firstly, never post twice in one day, especially not in one category, and you're also supposed to review two things for every story you post! Read the rules!

Okay, I didn't even finish this because it needed so much work! Again, as in the first chapter, there's a really superb plot, but I can't even find the plot beneath the rough grammar and cheap sentence structure. Read a grammar book, seriously.

There's waaaayyy too many simple sentences! You should use those only for emphasis, unless the story's for toddlers. And Jamie, unless she's sort of an idiot, would be rather unlikely to just say "Sure, lemme just follow a complete stranger into another world!" Fix that. Again, I think you should rewrite the whole thing, fixing all the mistakes and fleshing it out. You've got potential, as long as you make it worth the while. Oh, and go review four things to make up for posting twice in one day.

Please rewrite, I'd love to read this if you polish it up!- A.K.




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Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:12 pm
Sweeney_Todd says...



Want to come live in my world. I will make sure you’re never sad ever again.”


There whould be a question mark in the first sentence.

Good story though. Elves are DEFINITELY AWSOME!!!!





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— Someone Incredibly Noncommittal