z

Young Writers Society



fantasy love story

by Hayleyhall


The Elf King

by: Hayley Hall

CHAPTER 1

Jamie walked into the kitchen to find her mother and father waiting for her. Her mother was holding a huge cake with sixteen lit candles on top.

“Happy birthday Jamie!” called her parents as she entered the room.

Jamie smiled and her parents gave her a hug and a kiss. She sat down at the table and her mother cut her a big slice of cake. Then her father gave her a large scoop of ice cream. She ate the dessert happily and her parents sang the happy birthday song over and over again. When she had finally finished her cake and ice cream, she went back to her room and sat on the bed. Then what seemed like no less than two minutes later her parents came up to her room carrying many boxes wrapped in pink wrapping paper.

“Are you ready for your presents?” he father asked smiling.

“You bet!” said Jamie.

Her parents placed all of the presents on the bed and waited eagerly for Jamie to open them. Jamie reached for the first present and tore open the pink paper. She screamed with excitement when she’d gotten all of the paper off.

“Yes! I finally got the camera I’ve always wanted!” Jamie said excitedly.

She reached for another present and opened it. This time it was a nice pink pair of roller blades.

“Thanks!” Jamie said.

When she had finally opened all of her gifts she gets off the bed and ran over and gave both her mother and father a hug and kiss. Then she suddenly noticed that it was dark out side. She looked over at her alarm clock.

“It’s getting late and I have school tomorrow.” Said Jamie.

“Well then good night, we’ll see you in the morning.

“Good night!” Jamie called after them as they left the room.

She walked over to her dresser and pulled out a nightgown. She undressed and slipped it on. Then she layed down in bed and reached over to turn off her lamp. Then she layed back on the bed and stared at the ceiling until she fell asleep. When she woke the next morning she could smell the eggs and ham that her father was cooking in the kitchen for her. She got up out of bed, slipped off her nightgown, and then walked over the the closet. She picked out a bright pink shirt and jeans. She picked out a nice pair of earrings, a necklace, and a bracelet.

When she got downstairs her father handed her a plate full of eggs and ham. She sat down at the table next to her mother.

“This is you last day before spring break are you excited?” her mother asked her.

“Yep!” replied Jamie smiling.

Her father sat down at the table with them and they ate their breakfast. When they were all finished, Jamie got up and collected the plates. She rinsed them off and placed them in the dishwasher.

“Well I have to leave soon so I’m going back to my room to grab my bag.” said Jamie.

“Ok honey.” her mother called after her.

She ran to her room and looked at herself in the mirror then grabbed her bag and ran downstairs. She went over to the garage door to grab her shoes. She sat on a chair and put on her shoes and tied them. She grabbed her bag and said good bye. Then she went out the door and ran to her bus stop. She made it just as the bus was coming down the street. After stepping onto the bus she sat down in the front seat and relaxed as the bus took off down the street.

When the bus arrived at the school she and the other kids walked off the bus and went into the school. Her classes were going great. She went to her English class and sat down. The teacher started class by giving a pop quiz. Jamie was almost down with the quiz when one of the office helpers came in and handed her a pass requesting that she go to the office immediately. Jamie started to panick as she gathered her things. Was she in trouble for something? Whatever it was she knew it couldn’t be good. She handed her quiz to the teacher and then walked out of the classroom. When she arrived at the office she saw three police officers and the principle waiting for her. She started shaking as she walked into the office.

“What’s wrong?” she asked with fear in her voice.

“I’m afraid we have some really bad knews.” said the principle.

“What? Did something bad happen?” Jamie asked.

“I don’t know how to say this except to say it straight out,” one of the officers began.

“You see, your parents were in a terrible car crash this morning and…. and….”

“And what? Tell me please!” Jamie pleaded.

“Your parents didn’t survive the crash.” the officer said sadly.

“What? How?” Jamie said then fell to her knees and burst into tears.

“I’m afraid you have to come with us Jamie.” said one of the officers holding out a hand to her.

Jamie looked up, her face tearstained, and took the officers hand. The officer put his arm around her and guided her to the squad car. Reluctantly she stepped inside the car and sat down. The officer began driving down to the police station. Jamie put her face in her hands and cried all the way there.

At the police station Jamie sat on one of the benches. Tear after tear came down her face as the officers were debating on where she will live now. She had no God parents, her grandparents were dead, and she had no aunts, uncles or any other family at all. Her parents were all she had and now they were gone forever. One of the officers came over to her and sat down beside her.

“Your parents’ funeral is scheduled for tomorrow at 3:00 PM. When the funeral is over you will be taken to New Town orphanage for girls. That is where you will have to live until you turn eighteen.” said the officer.

“No!” Jamie screamed then burst into tears again.

The next day Jamie was in her room packing up her stuff. She put on a black dress and looked in the mirror. She started to cry again.

“I will not live in an orphanage!” she said to her self.

She grabbed her suitcases and walked out the door. The officer waited for her at the bottom of the stairs.

“Ready to go?” asked the officer.

Jamie sighed then replied, “I guess.”

The officer escorted her to the squad car and they drove in silence to the cemetery. When they finally arrived there, she was disappointed to see only the minister standing by the two coffins holding the Bible in his hands. Jamie walked slowly over to the minister and looked down at her parent’s coffins. She started to cry again, but was able to stop herself. The minister opened the Bible and read the prayers.

When the funeral was over Jamie watched the two coffins lower into the ground. When they were all the way in the truck nearby began putting dirt over the coffins with it’s huge mechanical shovel. The officer came up to Jamie and put his hand on her shoulder.

“Time to go now Jamie.” he said.

“NO!” Jamie screamed and started running.

The officer chased after her, but lost her when she darted into the woods. She ran until she found a hollow tree to hide in. She climbed into the tree and curled into a ball. She stayed in the tree all day and cried. When the sky started to darken she came out of the tree and began to walk around. She wondered through the woods trying to find a better and more comfortable place to hide so she could go to sleep. Then suddenly a twig snapped nearby and she froze. She felt paralyzed and was unable to move. She stood there very still and waited as the foot steps came closer and closer.

“Jamie?” She heard someone call.

Then she saw the same officer that she had ran away from earlier in the day coming towards her.

“Jamie why did you run from me?” asked the officer as he approached her.

“I don’t want to go to an orphanage!” she shouted.

“Now Jamie you know that that’s your only option.” said the officer as he tried to reach for her arm.

She tried to run again only this time she was grabbed by the officer. She struggle to break free from his grip.

“Get off of me!” she yelled angerly with hot tears going down her cheeks.

“Jamie stop! I don’t want to have to take you by handcuffs!” warned the officer.

“Leave me alone! Help!” she yelled.

The officer tackled her to the ground and got out his handcuffs.


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Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:03 pm
Rei wrote a review...



I'm afarid I'm with pickle on this. In the space of about three pages, you've got a birthday (and we don't even know how old she has just turned) her parents dying in a car accident, and her being arrested for not wanting to go to an orphanage. In a novel, that would take two or three chapters, probably around five or six pages each at least. Slow down. Take your time to let us get to know the characters first if something this big is going to happen. Even in a short story, we learns something about the characters before the main event happens, or as it is happening.

As for how the police handle it, you only need to watch an episode of ER or a similar show to know that this wouldn't happen. Yes, ER is fiction and not 100% accurate, but it is accurate enough. Orphanages don't exist in countries like Canada and America. Pickle is right. She would be taken to foster care after being spoken to by whatever child/family services exist in her provice/state. And the police would never handcuff anyone who has not commited a crime. The kid has done nothing wrong. They would not tackle her. They would let her run, but go after her and try to talk to her.

Do a bit of research. I'm sure if you contacted some of your community resources, they would be happy to tell you some of the basics of what would happen in cases like this. Nothing makes a reader cringe like an story involving their own profession and the author clearly does not know much about the field.




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:10 pm
Timara Klever wrote a review...



Okay, this needs a lot of work. It's not terrible, but really...If you're going to bring this story up to par, it will take a lot of time and effort and painstaking revision, and you're probably not going to like most of that. Besides the numerous grammatical and typographical errors I listed below, you're probably going to have to rewrite this whole piece. I mean, the story's good, but you need more than just the story. This is like playing an RPG video game where you can only grow your character to level one. Seriously, we don't even know if Jaime is black, white, red, yellow, violet, neon blue...It's fine to have action and to move at a rapid pace. In fact, you can probably keep all the writing you've done so far, if you just add in a second type of sentence: description. Add some adjectives and adverbs and write in some images so the reader can visualize what you're trying to say. When Jaime looks in the mirror, you missed out on an excellent opportunity to paint a portrait for us, the readers. What kind of cake did she get? What do her parents look like? What color are the walls in her room? HOW did her parents sing the birthday song (loudly, enthusiastically, subdued, morosely...)? Is the police officer imposing and intimidating, or is he slight of stature? Does he have facial hair? There is just so much MORE to the story than what you've told us.

If you really want to work on this, I'll help you with it, but I think this is enough for one post. XD

Red Sharpie Comments:

Paragraph 9, sentence 1: "gets" is present tense, while the rest of the story is past tense. It should read "...she GOT off the bed..."

Para 9, sent 2: "outside" is one word.

Para 9, sent 4: "..."tomorrow." Said Jaime." should read "..."tomorrow," said Jaime."

Para 10: You forgot the end quote.

Para 12, sent 3: "layed" should be "laid".

Para 12, sent 4: You typed "layed" again. Also, you've used the same verb twice in a row and should consider a more colorful one.

Para 12, sent 6: "...over the the closet..." XD

Para 12, sent 8: You've used "She picked out..." twice in a row. If you meant to do that, then leave it, but if not, you might want to change one of them to something else.

Para 17: You've used a period instead of a comma at the end of the quote.

Para 18: Did it again.

Para 19: There's a lot of "grab" in this paragraph. Consider some other verbs.

Para 20, sent 5: "Jaime was almost down with the quiz..." You mean DONE with the quiz?

Para 20, sent 6: "panic" has no "k" at the end.

Para 27: You used another period instead of a comma.

Para 29: And again.

Para 30: "officers" should be "officer's".

Para 33, sent 3: Period again.

Para 36: "herself" is one word.

Para 41, sent 2: "it's" should be "its".

Para 42: Another period instead of a comma.

Para 44, sent 6: I think you meant "wandered", not "wondered".

Para 44, sent 9: "footsteps" is one word.

Para 45: "She" should not be capitalized.

Para 49: Again with the period.




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 1:18 am
Pickle810 wrote a review...



First of all, read this aloud to yourself. It feels like you randomly posted it after writing it in half an hour. Almost all the sentences are simple, so it reads like a children's book. Correct that, and come back. Also, you have no idea how she feels, the dialogue lacks proper punctuation, and the plot flies by waaaaayyy to quick.

Take the whole story, rewrite it, keeping events, but basically tearing everything else up. Great potential, but, sorry, not so great writing. Also, orphanages don't exist at all anymore. So if this story's written after 1960, she'd go to foster care. The people who tell Jamie her parents are dead don't sound at all realistic, funerals usually take place a week after the death, and where did she go the night her parents died?

Read the first few paragraphs, and you'll see how almost everything begins with "she did this. She did that. they did this. they did that." That's a lousy way to start a story. Show us Jamie's personality, describe everything, and get rid of the list format. This isn't even a rough draft, it's an idea outline. So fill it out, write a real story, and I promise I'll be back to review it again.

Don't take this the wrong way. It's not meant to be mean. But this really isn't up to scratch, and I can tell you've got potential!




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Mon Feb 25, 2008 1:00 am
biancarayne wrote a review...



The story moves by way too fast, so that it feels like nothing gets developed as much as it should be and so nothing has as much of an impact as it should. Also, the dialogue feels a little stiff; the relationship between her and her parents is way too perfect. She is way too perfect. So it doesn't feel like she's relateable at all; I'm sure you could have this have more punch to it if you tweaked her character a little and gave her some imperfections. I mean, some people go overboard with giving their characters imperfections and just end up making them kind of a pain to read about, so you do have to find the fine line. Take time to describe more, to flesh out the story a bit and weave us deep into it. But I definitely think you have something you can work on with this :) Good job and good luck with it, whatever you decide to do with it!





The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus