z

Young Writers Society



The Wolf Girl

by Hawkie


Okay, so this was originally supposed to be a novel, but yeah. This is the first draft, probably written in about forty minutes, so feel free to chew it up and spit it out in itty bitty pieces. :D

***********************

The Wolf Girl

I glance anxiously up at the sky as I struggle through the harsh forest undergrowth. Almost midnight. Intense moonlight streams through the canopy, covering the ground with a silvery sheen. It’s cold for a summer night, and I can feel the goosebumps slowly working their way up my arms.

I’m so stupid. All the other campers are indoors by now, snuggled under warm sheets, creating shadows on the wall with their flashlights, giggling, whispering dirty jokes to their bunkmates.

I wonder if there is a search party out for me.

Probably not, I think.

Probably they didn’t even notice. Or they’re happy about it. They’re just like Dad, leaving Mom and I behind. Or Mom, sending me off to summer camp just so she could have some quiet time.

Well, I’ll show them. I’ll show them I don’t need them either. My eyes scan the area around me for a shelter. Surely some sort of cave, or hollowed-out tree . . .

But there would be wild animals in a tree or a cave. A hole in the ground was out of the question as well.

On impulse I take out my anger by planting my foot in a random tree.

Instead of relief, I end up with five jammed toes. Clutching my throbbing foot, I stumble, fall backward – and roll straight down a slope into the stream. Slime embraces my head as I enter the muddy water with a terrific splash.

I sit up, spitting water out of my mouth and cussing furiously at the same time.

That’s when I hear it.

A distant screech, echoing above the canopy. Followed by a low, menacing growl.

Some sort of owl, or something?

I remember yesterday around the campfire. One of the consolers told some sort of crazy story about a wolf.

Only not a wolf – a werewolf. A girl that ran into the forest a long time ago and never came back out.

Who the heck am I kidding? There aren’t any damn werewolves in this forest.

The screech is closer now, though.

Something deep within me tells me to get away. I turn and run as quietly as I can, floundering through the stream.

The screech grows higher-pitched, more frantic. It sounds like an owl, sort of, but there’s something oddly human in it too. Like a crying child.

The air is getting colder now. Dear Lord, what is that thing? I feel panic deep in my chest, pressing me on.

Faster. My feet drag in the mud.

A cold, living body rams into my back, knocking me over.

My cry is stifled by the mud and I struggle to breathe. I fight frantically and twist around on the ground; as I turn over, I see her. Her face is pale as frost, although it’s smeared with mud and blood. I see those inhuman claws stretched out to scratch me, the bloodless lips stretched wide in a soundless, fanged snarl.

The first scratch stings and burns, but the pain is oddly numbed by the coldness that has now filled my entire body. I shut my eyes tight to avoid the sight of my own blood leaking from my arm. Another scratch, this time on my shoulder. I fight frantically, kicking, punching, yelling.

My eyes snap open and I see the glitter of fangs as she rears her head back to bite me. Her eyes glint as they meet mine. They’re huge and golden, fierce and wild. Something within them reminds me of myself.

We remain there for almost a full five seconds. Her mouth is still gaping, her big furry body weighing down on my chest as she sizes me up.

I no longer struggle. Shivers wrack my body. My vision blurs, threatening to go black completely.

Then my body warmth floods back into me as the weight is somehow, inexplicably removed. I don’t have the sense or the strength to get up. My arm and shoulder are throbbing uncontrollably.

“Natasha!”

A dozen worried voices surround me. I feel hands, helping me stagger uneasily to my feet. The camp consolers are there, along with my best friend, April. Everyone’s bombarding me with questions.

My ears are numb. I squint my eyes to reduce the feeling that the world was spinning around me.

“Come on, Natasha,” someone says, gently shepherding me forward. “Let’s get you back and take care of those scratches . . . you’re going to be fine.”

I walk robotically, hardly aware of all the people around me. April walks beside me, her lips trembling, staring in her shy, frightened way.

I shut my eyes as I walk, recalling the image of the wolf girl: her pale face, her wild claws, her fierce, haunting eyes. Part of me wants to forget it, but part of me strangely wants to remember it for as long as I live.

“Nat?”

April’s quiet voice cuts into my thoughts. I open my eyes and look at her.

“Nat, I was really scared,” she whispers, wincing at the imminence of one of my usual sarcastic comebacks.

I open my mouth to snap at her, but for some reason it won’t come out. The night, it seemed, had shaken some of my previous bitterness right out of me.

“Thanks, April. So was I.”

April continues to stare, but I smile at her, and some of the anxiousness leaves her eyes.

Dawn flushes the sky as I exit the forest and feel the light of day on my face once again.


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Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:27 pm
forever.always says...



Hey there Fellow Teammate! It's Forever, and I will be your reviewer for today. :D

First off, I'd like to say good luck! Since we're on the same team and all, I thought it would be nice to give the other members a friendly boost. :wink:

I glance anxiously up at the sky as I struggle through the harsh forest undergrowth. (As you already know, the beginning of the story should begin with a hook, something that grabs our attention and makes us want to read more. I'd suggest, perhaps, taking this first sentence out. Your next line provides as an excellent hook. I think that by changing or removing your original first line, it would improve the start of your story. Using "Almost midight" as your opening line is captivating and mysterious in itself. It makes the reader want to read more.) Almost midnight. Intense moonlight streams through the canopy, covering the ground with a silvery sheen. It’s cold for a summer night, and I can feel the goosebumps slowly working their way up my arms. (Excellent. This description definitly adds to the imagery of where your story takes place.)

I’m so stupid. (I thought that this line seemed a bit out of place. I'd suggest taking it out. It denies the opening introduction that you created before. Instead of sounding descriptive, mysterious, and eeire, this line reverses that. It seems a bit too casual and informal for the style of writingn that you're using.) All the other campers are indoors by now, snuggled under warm sheets, creating shadows on the wall with their flashlights, giggling, whispering dirty jokes to their bunkmates. (Good. This shows us more about what is happening. However, I reccommend that you add even more description of the campfire, the people, and their dirty jokes. Go on to tell us exactly where the campers are sleeping. Show us the campsite and its surroundings. Describe in deeper depth the comparison of the warm, cozy campfire compared to the cold, eeire woods where your MC is located. We, as readers, need to feel the difference between these two places so that we sympathize with your protaganist. There needs to be something in which we feel empathatic for the person in the woods. You have already begun doing this, but I'd suggest continuing it into greater depth.)

I wonder if there is a search party out for me.

Probably not, I think. (remember to italicize thoughts that your MC has.)

Probably they didn’t even notice. Or they’re happy about it. They’re just like Dad, leaving Mom and I behind. Or Mom, sending me off to summer camp just so she could have some quiet time. (It is obvious here that your MC feels resentful towards her parents. At this point, your readers want to know even more about your character’s feelings about this problem. Keep writing more about your main character’s dilemma. It will continue to make us feel sympathy for your character…which is something that you probably should want.)

Well, I’ll show them. I’ll show them I don’t need them either. My eyes scan the area around me for a shelter. Surely some sort of cave, or hollowed-out tree . . .

But there would be wild animals in a tree or a cave. A hole in the ground was out of the question as well. (I like this sentence. It flows well.)

On impulse I take out my anger by planting my foot in a random tree. (Take out “random”. It doesn’t work well in this sentence.)

Instead of relief, I end up with five jammed toes. Clutching my throbbing foot, I stumble, fall backward – and roll straight down a slope into the stream. Slime embraces my head as I enter the muddy water with a terrific splash.

I sit up, spitting water out of my mouth and cussing furiously at the same time.(This sentence needs some attention. I don’t think the words flow well here. Perhaps switch it around a bit. “I sit up and begin spitting water from my mouth while, at the same time, I cuss furiously.” Or “Sitting up, I spit water from my mouth and cuss furiously.”)

That’s when I hear it.

A distant screech, echoing above the canopy. Followed by a low, menacing growl.(Join this sentence by saying “A distant screech, echoing above the canopy is followed by a low, menacing growl.”)

Some sort of owl, or something?(take out “or something”.)

I remember yesterday around the campfire. One of the consolers (I think you mean “counselors”) told some sort of crazy story about a wolf.

Only not a wolf – a werewolf. A girl that ran into the forest a long time ago and never came back out.

Who the heck am I kidding? There aren’t any damn werewolves in this forest.

The screech is closer now, though. (I suggest taking out “though” and put a period at the end of the sentence.”)

Something deep within me tells me to get away. I turn and run as quietly as I can, floundering through the stream.

The screech grows higher-pitched, more frantic. It sounds like an owl, sort of, but there’s something oddly human in it too. Like a crying child. (Good. I like how you relate human characteristics to an animal’s.):D

The air is getting colder now. Dear Lord, what is that thing? (I think you should take out “Dear Lord, what is that thing?”. I don’t think it works well in this part of the sentence.) I feel panic deep in my chest, pressing me on.

Faster. My feet drag in the mud.

A cold, living body rams into my back, knocking me over.

My cry is stifled by the mud and I struggle to breathe. I fight frantically and twist around on the ground; as I turn over, I see her. Her face is pale as frost, although it’s smeared with mud and blood. I see those inhuman claws stretched out to scratch me, the bloodless lips stretched wide in a soundless, fanged snarl. (Excellent description. Well done!)

The first scratch stings and burns, but the pain is oddly numbed by the coldness that has now filled my entire body. I shut my eyes tight to avoid the sight of my own blood leaking from my arm. Another scratch, this time on my shoulder. I fight frantically, kicking, punching, yelling.

My eyes snap open and I see the glitter of fangs as she rears her head back to bite me. Her eyes glint as they meet mine. They’re huge and golden, fierce and wild. Something within them reminds me of myself.

We remain there for almost a full five seconds. Her mouth is still gaping, her big furry body weighing down on my chest as she sizes me up.

I no longer struggle. Shivers wrack my body. My vision blurs, threatening to go black completely.

Then my body warmth floods back into me as the weight is somehow, inexplicably removed. I don’t have the sense or the strength to get up. My arm and shoulder are throbbing uncontrollably.

(Add a line here so your readers know that the next segment occurs later in the day.) :smt045

“Natasha!”

A dozen worried voices surround me. I feel hands, helping me stagger uneasily to my feet. The camp consolers (change to “counselors”) are there, along with my best friend, April. Everyone’s bombarding me with questions.

My ears are numb. I squint my eyes to reduce the feeling that the world was spinning around me.

“Come on, Natasha,” someone says, gently shepherding me forward. “Let’s get you back and take care of those scratches . . . you’re going to be fine.”

I walk robotically, hardly aware of all the people around me. April walks beside me, her lips trembling, staring in her shy, frightened way.

I shut my eyes as I walk, recalling the image of the wolf girl: her pale face, her wild claws, her fierce, haunting eyes. Part of me wants to forget it, but part of me strangely wants to remember it for as long as I live.

“Nat?”

April’s quiet voice cuts into my thoughts. I open my eyes and look at her.

“Nat, I was really scared,” she whispers, wincing at the imminence of one of my usual sarcastic comebacks.

I open my mouth to snap at her, but for some reason it won’t come out. The night, it seemed, had shaken some of my previous bitterness right out of me.

“Thanks, April. So was I.”

April continues to stare, but I smile at her, and some of the anxiousness leaves her eyes.

Dawn flushes the sky as I exit the forest and feel the light of day on my face once again.

Plot

I think you had a very nice plot. It was different from the usual, typical ideas and themes that I’m used to seeing. Creating a problem for your character to deal with (her uneasy relationship with her parents) was a great idea. All I recommend is to delve deeper into the idea and create something that makes us, as readers, develop an understanding and liking for your MC. The readers should feel compassion towards your character, and by creating a problem that we can relate to, this will help your story even more.

Setting

Overall, I could imagine your setting very well. However, I think you can use more description about your MC’s surroundings when she is out in the forest. Like I said before, create a comparison between the warm, comfortable campsite and the cold, eerie woods. Show us the warm campfire and the snuggly blankets that make the campsite seem like a happy place to be. Then, switch over and write about the hard forest floor, the freezing temperatures, the darkening night. As humans naturally do, we will become to feel for Natasha and understand her better than before. Unless you want us to feel hatred towards your character, there needs to be something that makes us feel sympathetic towards her. By showing us the drastic difference between these two opposite places, you can do this. As well as this, I suggest using more descriptions about Natasha’s surroundings when she is safely back at the campsite. Write about the dusty ground, the blazing sun, or the sticky humidity; whatever you choose.

Overall

In general, I think you have an excellent knack for describing the sounds and physicality of your characters. In the scene in which Natasha has a run in with the wolf girl, you described the gnarling teeth, the heaving breaths, and the greedy snarls of the wolf amazingly. That was one of my favorite parts. By sketching more for us to see, we will understand the imagery more thoroughly. I think you could work on your character development and your surrounding ideas a bit more, but this will all come in good time.

Good job! I really enjoyed reading this piece. *applauds* :smt041

PM me if you have any questions!

Always,

Forever.
:elephant:




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Fri Jul 24, 2009 5:27 pm
TexanWriter says...



Blah blah blah




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Fri Jul 24, 2009 4:21 pm
amatuli wrote a review...



I think aside from a few spelling mistakes (spell check works wonders) just read your stories aloud or to a friend and listen for what doesn't sound right, and fix it. Your story is very interesting, I enjoyed it very much. You have a lot of description (which is good) and you give the reader a reason to keep reading, great job, keep writing. :D




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Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:59 am
Silversun wrote a review...



Honestly, it really kept my interest the entire time! Kudos to you! The only minor flaw I had in it was when exactly the wolf-girl left. It never says when she feels the pressure leave for sure, or if she hears the wolf scamper off back into the forest.

I'd also like to know a little more about what this were-wolf looks like. They're all so different in literature that'd I'd really like to know what you picture it as. :)

Overall, very nice.




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Thu Jul 23, 2009 6:46 pm
forever.always wrote a review...



Hey there Fellow Teammate! It's Forever, and I will be your reviewer for today. :D

First off, I'd like to say good luck! Since we're on the same team and all, I thought it would be nice to give the other members a friendly boost. :wink:

I glance anxiously up at the sky as I struggle through the harsh forest undergrowth. (As you already know, the beginning of the story should begin with a hook, something that grabs our attention and makes us want to read more. I'd suggest, perhaps, taking this first sentence out. Your next line provides as an excellent hook. I think that by changing or removing your original first line, it would improve the start of your story. Using "Almost midight" as your opening line is captivating and mysterious. It makes the reader want to read more.) Almost midnight. Intense moonlight streams through the canopy, covering the ground with a silvery sheen. It’s cold for a summer night, and I can feel the goosebumps slowly working their way up my arms. (Excellent. This description definitly adds to the imagery of where your story takes place.)

I’m so stupid. [b](I thought that this line seemed a bit out of place. I'd suggest taking it out. It denies the opening introduction that you created before. Instead of sounding descriptive, mysterious, and eeire, this line reverses that. It seems a bit too casual and informal for the style of writingn that you're using.) All the other campers are indoors by now, snuggled under warm sheets, creating shadows on the wall with their flashlights, giggling, whispering dirty jokes to their bunkmates. (Good. This shows us more about what is happening. However, I reccommend that you add even more description of the campfire, the people, and their dirty jokes. Go on to tell us exactly where the campers are sleeping. Show us the campsite and its surroundings. Describe in deeper depth the comparison of the warm, cozy campfire compared to the cold, eeire woods where your MC is located. We need to feel the difference between these two places so that we sympathize with your protaganist. There needs to be something in which we, as readers, feel empathatic for the person in the woods. You have already begun doing this, but I'd suggest continuing it into greater depth.)

I wonder if there is a search party out for me.

Probably not, I think.

Probably they didn’t even notice. Or they’re happy about it. They’re just like Dad, leaving Mom and I behind. Or Mom, sending me off to summer camp just so she could have some quiet time.

Well, I’ll show them. I’ll show them I don’t need them either. My eyes scan the area around me for a shelter. Surely some sort of cave, or hollowed-out tree . . .

But there would be wild animals in a tree or a cave. A hole in the ground was out of the question as well.

On impulse I take out my anger by planting my foot in a random tree.

Instead of relief, I end up with five jammed toes. Clutching my throbbing foot, I stumble, fall backward – and roll straight down a slope into the stream. Slime embraces my head as I enter the muddy water with a terrific splash.

I sit up, spitting water out of my mouth and cussing furiously at the same time.

That’s when I hear it.

A distant screech, echoing above the canopy. Followed by a low, menacing growl.

Some sort of owl, or something?

I remember yesterday around the campfire. One of the consolers told some sort of crazy story about a wolf.

Only not a wolf – a werewolf. A girl that ran into the forest a long time ago and never came back out.

Who the heck am I kidding? There aren’t any damn werewolves in this forest.

The screech is closer now, though.

Something deep within me tells me to get away. I turn and run as quietly as I can, floundering through the stream.

The screech grows higher-pitched, more frantic. It sounds like an owl, sort of, but there’s something oddly human in it too. Like a crying child.

The air is getting colder now. Dear Lord, what is that thing? I feel panic deep in my chest, pressing me on.

Faster. My feet drag in the mud.

A cold, living body rams into my back, knocking me over.

My cry is stifled by the mud and I struggle to breathe. I fight frantically and twist around on the ground; as I turn over, I see her. Her face is pale as frost, although it’s smeared with mud and blood. I see those inhuman claws stretched out to scratch me, the bloodless lips stretched wide in a soundless, fanged snarl.

The first scratch stings and burns, but the pain is oddly numbed by the coldness that has now filled my entire body. I shut my eyes tight to avoid the sight of my own blood leaking from my arm. Another scratch, this time on my shoulder. I fight frantically, kicking, punching, yelling.

My eyes snap open and I see the glitter of fangs as she rears her head back to bite me. Her eyes glint as they meet mine. They’re huge and golden, fierce and wild. Something within them reminds me of myself.

We remain there for almost a full five seconds. Her mouth is still gaping, her big furry body weighing down on my chest as she sizes me up.

I no longer struggle. Shivers wrack my body. My vision blurs, threatening to go black completely.

Then my body warmth floods back into me as the weight is somehow, inexplicably removed. I don’t have the sense or the strength to get up. My arm and shoulder are throbbing uncontrollably.

“Natasha!”

A dozen worried voices surround me. I feel hands, helping me stagger uneasily to my feet. The camp consolers are there, along with my best friend, April. Everyone’s bombarding me with questions.

My ears are numb. I squint my eyes to reduce the feeling that the world was spinning around me.

“Come on, Natasha,” someone says, gently shepherding me forward. “Let’s get you back and take care of those scratches . . . you’re going to be fine.”

I walk robotically, hardly aware of all the people around me. April walks beside me, her lips trembling, staring in her shy, frightened way.

I shut my eyes as I walk, recalling the image of the wolf girl: her pale face, her wild claws, her fierce, haunting eyes. Part of me wants to forget it, but part of me strangely wants to remember it for as long as I live.

“Nat?”

April’s quiet voice cuts into my thoughts. I open my eyes and look at her.

“Nat, I was really scared,” she whispers, wincing at the imminence of one of my usual sarcastic comebacks.

I open my mouth to snap at her, but for some reason it won’t come out. The night, it seemed, had shaken some of my previous bitterness right out of me.

“Thanks, April. So was I.”

April continues to stare, but I smile at her, and some of the anxiousness leaves her eyes.

Dawn flushes the sky as I exit the forest and feel the light of day on my face once again.




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Wed Jul 15, 2009 8:26 pm
Zoya wrote a review...



Hello I'm new to the site and just read your story. I really enjoyed it and hope you continue to write it you have great potential. I do have a suggestion I hope this can help you because well if it didn't this wouldn't be a review :smt044 .

As i read your story i was slightly confused at times because it seems like you shifted between first person and narrative a lot which came out odd. it seemed to happen more frequently in the beginning.

I sit up, spitting water out of my mouth and cussing furiously at the same time.


which in first person should be more like this 'I sat up and spat water out of my mouth then cussed furiously.' or something to that sort.

This is the only suggestion i have for your story but you do have this happen quite often. Other than that though it's a great plot and I'd love to see more of this story it's so cool. Write on! :smt041




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Wed Jul 15, 2009 4:02 am
ImaginativeInsanity wrote a review...



I'll start out by saying that the suspense was great. It really drew me in, and it was kept at a nice speed the entire way through. Really good pacing.

A couple of specifics:

Hawkie wrote: They’re just like Dad, leaving Mom and I behind.


I know it's a common misconception, but in this case, though it sounds a bit odd, it really should be Mom and me. The trick is to take out the other person and read it as though only the pronoun was mentioned. For example, you would say "leaving me behind" not "leaving I behind".

Hawkie wrote: On impulse I take out my anger by planting my foot in a random tree.


I really liked this sentence for some reason. I think it was the unique wording.

All in all, I loved the descriptions. They added a unique flavor to the story that was intriguing. They were very colorful and detailed, and they left just enough to the reader's imagination. Good job.

Also, it may just be your style, but while she was in the forest, some of the paragraph breaks seemed unneccessary. They weren't distracting, per se, but it was just something I noticed.

Great work! Keep writing. ;)




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Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:17 am
lala101 wrote a review...



Hey

Your story really pulls the reader in and makes them want to read more like me. I usually find storys really hard to get into but yours was so easy a little advice to you is that aybe you should explain it some more as in the part where the girl comes into it as i got a bit confused i would definitley like to read more if you have anything else to add to this tory as i think that it has heaps of potential.

GOOD LUCK




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Tue Jul 14, 2009 1:31 am
KJ wrote a review...



Hello.

I actually liked this. Granted, it was short, and I do feel like you dive into the story a little too fast, but you have nice imagery and your MC's voice is developing.

Just two things that stuck out to me:

Probably they didn’t even notice. Or they’re happy about it. They’re just like Dad, leaving Mom and I behind.

I didn't like this for three reasons. The first one being that beginning the sentence with probably made it awkward. The second is that you can't really compare the campers to her father, since they're not leaving her, she's leaving them, as where it's the other way around with her whole father situation. And the third reason is the whole pity party she's got going on. I think we need to know why she's so hurt and angry. Maybe beginning this with a flashback? That might be neat, if it's good enough. Also, why is she so angry at everyone? I've read this further and April genuinely seems to care for her...


Something within them reminds me of myself.

What? What could she possible have in common with a seemingly insane animal/girl? Dive into this a little deeper. It would also be a good opportunity to help us understand our MC's mind better.

And that's all I have. Again, I liked it. That's saying a lot, since it's kind of hard to catch my attention. I guess I'm a bit of a literature diva :P

Anyway, keep writing. Feel free to PM me if or when you post more.

KJ




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Tue Jul 14, 2009 12:08 am
LovelyLion says...



This was really well written!

The only thing I can suggest is adding more description for the surroundings, I had some blank spots in my imagination when I was visualizing it.




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Mon Jul 13, 2009 11:47 pm
irishfire wrote a review...



Wow! That was great! I agree, for a 40 minute story it was really good. I didn't see anything wrong with it but, then again, I'm new to this site so I may not be too thorough with looking for those things just yet.

But still, really good :D




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Mon Jul 13, 2009 3:49 pm
ThisIsAUserName says...



Wow, for a forty-minute story, that was pretty great. Very suspenseful.

A had just a few issues with some things.

Her mouth is still gaping, her big furry body weighing down on my chest as she sizes me up.

For one, how does the main character know the werewolf is female? I know she heard the old story about the girl that wandered into the woods and never returned, but from then on you use the pronoun "she" to describe it. Are there any sorts of physical references you could write that would provide evidence of her femininity, like longer, more vicious fangs? :D Just kidding.

One of the consolers told some sort of crazy story about a wolf.

I think here you want "counselors".

There aren’t any damn werewolves in this forest.

The air is getting colder now. Dear Lord, what is that thing? I feel panic deep in my chest, pressing me on.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but after the main character says things like "damn", it doesn't seem like she would say "Dear Lord"...because of that quote's placement it comes off a bit lame.

I see those inhuman claws stretched out to scratch me, the bloodless lips stretched wide in a soundless, fanged snarl.

I don't know, but this played out in my head as a scene with a bunch of menacing growls and other such sounds coming from the beast's lips. I think I get what you mean, but it's a bit confusing. Are the lips only soundless for that one instance the main character observes?

Also, I remember you saying the main character had been upset the night before. That was great because it made me actually wonder why, and I'm glad you didn't immediately explain. Will things like that show up in later chapters, or will there be some sort of prologue? I'm sure you could have both, too...

All-in-all it was a very decent story, and it really seemed like it had novel potential! Just do me a favor and try not to get too "Twilight-esque" - i.e. don't add a love story simply for the sake of adding a love story. Not that you necessarily would, but whatever. You don't even have to listen to me, of course, do whatever you want! :] Your story. Oh, one more thing - I loved how you kept the present tense consistent throughout the piece. That's not an easy thing to do, especially if you wrote it quickly.

Congrats!

---James




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Mon Jul 13, 2009 3:26 pm
ThisIsAUserName wrote a review...



Wow, for a forty-minute story that was pretty great. Very suspenseful.

One thing I would have liked to see is maybe the main character's confusion about the wolf-girl suddenly leaving, but I suppose he/she was too caught up in all of the excitement with his/her friends arriving on the scene to be able to think clear thoughts.

Another thing I was confused about was how he/she knew for certain it was a female werewolf. I know the old story said a girl went into the forest and never came back, but from then on you use the pronoun "she" to describe her - is there any sort of physical feature you could include that would provide evidence she is in fact a girl? Like longer, more vicious fangs? :D Just kidding.

A few minor points:

One of the consolers told some sort of crazy story about a wolf.

I think you want "counselors" there.

Dear Lord, what is that thing?

Because of the placement of that thought, it sounded to me a bit lame. When you have the main character saying things like "Damn" it doesn't seem like they'd also say "Dear Lord", but maybe it's just me

I see those inhuman claws stretched out to scratch me, the bloodless lips stretched wide in a soundless, fanged snarl.

I don't know, but it plays out in my head that there would be a bunch of menacing sounds coming from the creature. I think I get what you mean, but it might get confusing for the reader.

All-in-all it really sounded like it could be a novel, and I hope you don't get too Twilight-esque and involve love and heartbreak and yadda yadda, but whatever. You do whatever you want. :] Oh yeah, and you mention the main character being upset the night before...were you going to write a prologue to this or are you going to explain that later? At any rate, just keep writing on!




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Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:52 pm
TaylaChase wrote a review...



That was great, I really liked it. I didn't find any spelling errors.

I'm not quite sure, but you might want to either put probably after they, or put a comma after probably. I'm not sure.

Probably they didn’t even notice.

Great job though!

~Tayla





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