Hey there Fellow Teammate! It's Forever, and I will be your reviewer for today.
First off, I'd like to say good luck! Since we're on the same team and all, I thought it would be nice to give the other members a friendly boost.
I glance anxiously up at the sky as I struggle through the harsh forest undergrowth. (As you already know, the beginning of the story should begin with a hook, something that grabs our attention and makes us want to read more. I'd suggest, perhaps, taking this first sentence out. Your next line provides as an excellent hook. I think that by changing or removing your original first line, it would improve the start of your story. Using "Almost midight" as your opening line is captivating and mysterious in itself. It makes the reader want to read more.) Almost midnight. Intense moonlight streams through the canopy, covering the ground with a silvery sheen. It’s cold for a summer night, and I can feel the goosebumps slowly working their way up my arms. (Excellent. This description definitly adds to the imagery of where your story takes place.)
I’m so stupid. (I thought that this line seemed a bit out of place. I'd suggest taking it out. It denies the opening introduction that you created before. Instead of sounding descriptive, mysterious, and eeire, this line reverses that. It seems a bit too casual and informal for the style of writingn that you're using.) All the other campers are indoors by now, snuggled under warm sheets, creating shadows on the wall with their flashlights, giggling, whispering dirty jokes to their bunkmates. (Good. This shows us more about what is happening. However, I reccommend that you add even more description of the campfire, the people, and their dirty jokes. Go on to tell us exactly where the campers are sleeping. Show us the campsite and its surroundings. Describe in deeper depth the comparison of the warm, cozy campfire compared to the cold, eeire woods where your MC is located. We, as readers, need to feel the difference between these two places so that we sympathize with your protaganist. There needs to be something in which we feel empathatic for the person in the woods. You have already begun doing this, but I'd suggest continuing it into greater depth.)
I wonder if there is a search party out for me.
Probably not, I think. (remember to italicize thoughts that your MC has.)
Probably they didn’t even notice. Or they’re happy about it. They’re just like Dad, leaving Mom and I behind. Or Mom, sending me off to summer camp just so she could have some quiet time. (It is obvious here that your MC feels resentful towards her parents. At this point, your readers want to know even more about your character’s feelings about this problem. Keep writing more about your main character’s dilemma. It will continue to make us feel sympathy for your character…which is something that you probably should want.)
Well, I’ll show them. I’ll show them I don’t need them either. My eyes scan the area around me for a shelter. Surely some sort of cave, or hollowed-out tree . . .
But there would be wild animals in a tree or a cave. A hole in the ground was out of the question as well. (I like this sentence. It flows well.)
On impulse I take out my anger by planting my foot in a random tree. (Take out “random”. It doesn’t work well in this sentence.)
Instead of relief, I end up with five jammed toes. Clutching my throbbing foot, I stumble, fall backward – and roll straight down a slope into the stream. Slime embraces my head as I enter the muddy water with a terrific splash.
I sit up, spitting water out of my mouth and cussing furiously at the same time.(This sentence needs some attention. I don’t think the words flow well here. Perhaps switch it around a bit. “I sit up and begin spitting water from my mouth while, at the same time, I cuss furiously.” Or “Sitting up, I spit water from my mouth and cuss furiously.”)
That’s when I hear it.
A distant screech, echoing above the canopy. Followed by a low, menacing growl.(Join this sentence by saying “A distant screech, echoing above the canopy is followed by a low, menacing growl.”)
Some sort of owl, or something?(take out “or something”.)
I remember yesterday around the campfire. One of the consolers (I think you mean “counselors”) told some sort of crazy story about a wolf.
Only not a wolf – a werewolf. A girl that ran into the forest a long time ago and never came back out.
Who the heck am I kidding? There aren’t any damn werewolves in this forest.
The screech is closer now, though. (I suggest taking out “though” and put a period at the end of the sentence.”)
Something deep within me tells me to get away. I turn and run as quietly as I can, floundering through the stream.
The screech grows higher-pitched, more frantic. It sounds like an owl, sort of, but there’s something oddly human in it too. Like a crying child. (Good. I like how you relate human characteristics to an animal’s.):D
The air is getting colder now. Dear Lord, what is that thing? (I think you should take out “Dear Lord, what is that thing?”. I don’t think it works well in this part of the sentence.) I feel panic deep in my chest, pressing me on.
Faster. My feet drag in the mud.
A cold, living body rams into my back, knocking me over.
My cry is stifled by the mud and I struggle to breathe. I fight frantically and twist around on the ground; as I turn over, I see her. Her face is pale as frost, although it’s smeared with mud and blood. I see those inhuman claws stretched out to scratch me, the bloodless lips stretched wide in a soundless, fanged snarl. (Excellent description. Well done!)
The first scratch stings and burns, but the pain is oddly numbed by the coldness that has now filled my entire body. I shut my eyes tight to avoid the sight of my own blood leaking from my arm. Another scratch, this time on my shoulder. I fight frantically, kicking, punching, yelling.
My eyes snap open and I see the glitter of fangs as she rears her head back to bite me. Her eyes glint as they meet mine. They’re huge and golden, fierce and wild. Something within them reminds me of myself.
We remain there for almost a full five seconds. Her mouth is still gaping, her big furry body weighing down on my chest as she sizes me up.
I no longer struggle. Shivers wrack my body. My vision blurs, threatening to go black completely.
Then my body warmth floods back into me as the weight is somehow, inexplicably removed. I don’t have the sense or the strength to get up. My arm and shoulder are throbbing uncontrollably.
(Add a line here so your readers know that the next segment occurs later in the day.)
“Natasha!”
A dozen worried voices surround me. I feel hands, helping me stagger uneasily to my feet. The camp consolers (change to “counselors”) are there, along with my best friend, April. Everyone’s bombarding me with questions.
My ears are numb. I squint my eyes to reduce the feeling that the world was spinning around me.
“Come on, Natasha,” someone says, gently shepherding me forward. “Let’s get you back and take care of those scratches . . . you’re going to be fine.”
I walk robotically, hardly aware of all the people around me. April walks beside me, her lips trembling, staring in her shy, frightened way.
I shut my eyes as I walk, recalling the image of the wolf girl: her pale face, her wild claws, her fierce, haunting eyes. Part of me wants to forget it, but part of me strangely wants to remember it for as long as I live.
“Nat?”
April’s quiet voice cuts into my thoughts. I open my eyes and look at her.
“Nat, I was really scared,” she whispers, wincing at the imminence of one of my usual sarcastic comebacks.
I open my mouth to snap at her, but for some reason it won’t come out. The night, it seemed, had shaken some of my previous bitterness right out of me.
“Thanks, April. So was I.”
April continues to stare, but I smile at her, and some of the anxiousness leaves her eyes.
Dawn flushes the sky as I exit the forest and feel the light of day on my face once again.
Plot
I think you had a very nice plot. It was different from the usual, typical ideas and themes that I’m used to seeing. Creating a problem for your character to deal with (her uneasy relationship with her parents) was a great idea. All I recommend is to delve deeper into the idea and create something that makes us, as readers, develop an understanding and liking for your MC. The readers should feel compassion towards your character, and by creating a problem that we can relate to, this will help your story even more.
Setting
Overall, I could imagine your setting very well. However, I think you can use more description about your MC’s surroundings when she is out in the forest. Like I said before, create a comparison between the warm, comfortable campsite and the cold, eerie woods. Show us the warm campfire and the snuggly blankets that make the campsite seem like a happy place to be. Then, switch over and write about the hard forest floor, the freezing temperatures, the darkening night. As humans naturally do, we will become to feel for Natasha and understand her better than before. Unless you want us to feel hatred towards your character, there needs to be something that makes us feel sympathetic towards her. By showing us the drastic difference between these two opposite places, you can do this. As well as this, I suggest using more descriptions about Natasha’s surroundings when she is safely back at the campsite. Write about the dusty ground, the blazing sun, or the sticky humidity; whatever you choose.
Overall
In general, I think you have an excellent knack for describing the sounds and physicality of your characters. In the scene in which Natasha has a run in with the wolf girl, you described the gnarling teeth, the heaving breaths, and the greedy snarls of the wolf amazingly. That was one of my favorite parts. By sketching more for us to see, we will understand the imagery more thoroughly. I think you could work on your character development and your surrounding ideas a bit more, but this will all come in good time.
Good job! I really enjoyed reading this piece. *applauds*
PM me if you have any questions!
Always,
Forever.
Points: 890
Reviews: 13
Donate