I
rested in comfortable blankets and sheets,
nestled
beneath the warm weight of my bedding,
drifting
through dreams of sundry foreign worlds
and
smiling softly that I'd fly the next day.
I
soared over valleys and swooped into canyons,
the
wind my brain simulated feeling realer than life.
The
sky was a bright, sensual orange, toeing hesitantly
on
a sea of gold.
I
inhaled deeply, the frosty atmosphere through which I flew,
salty
breeze grazing my cheeks as below the land disappeared,
replaced
by those amber, flowing waves. And seagulls cried
at
my approach, but I rose much further than they could ever aspire.
Up
beyond the limits of aeroplanes, and eventually
even
satellites, until I was enveloped in a lush cosmic darkness.
It
was a comfortable darkness, one I wouldn't mind visiting again
if
given the chance. And stars twinkled about me.
But
the black began to shift, morphing insidiously,
from
the guarding hands that held up the worlds
to
something much more threatening. Something unwelcome
and murderously chilling to the spine.
I
tossed and turned, sheets tangling 'round my legs
as
the suffocating terror encroached on my dreamscape.
I
was no longer free, no longer flying. Instead I fell,
limbs
arrested to my sides, and I screamed.
Reality
spun, from gold to black, as I plummeted down
to
the skies I'd left behind, once beautiful orange,
now
threatening red. And I felt his hand for the first time.
A
cold grip, a skeletal fist, wrapping sternly about my arm.
He
held still at first, observing from the evil silence he cast,
then
he jerked. He pulled. He ripped at my skin.
I
bolted upright in the tangle of sheets, glistened with frigid
sweat.
And he stood at my side.
His
face was a skull, his eyes purple haze,
he
opened his jaw with a crack and spilled out a serpentine tongue.
Then
he spoke, a voice festered by time, archaic and grating.
“Will
you chase the monsters away?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello, Liz here,
The title is too long, but it is really good. I love how it is set up.
The best part is, in my opinion-
"He held still at first, observing from the evil silence he cast,
then he jerked. He pulled. He ripped at my skin.
I bolted upright in the tangle of sheets, glistened with frigid
sweat. And he stood at my side.
His face was a skull, his eyes purple haze,
he opened his jaw with a crack and spilled out a serpentine tongue.
Then he spoke, a voice festered by time, archaic and grating.
“Will you chase the monsters away?'"
Great job.
Yoo Hatt
I'm coming out of my cave to offer my opinion
Man I can dig this concept but your execution isn't quite doing it for me. I know that I'm literally contradicted by 23 people (at this time) who left you a like, but here we go.
I feel like this is just too much. Yeah, you have images that I can visualize, but it's a lot of it. Every noun has an adjective, it seems, and it makes the whole piece wordy. I don't know if I've ever told you how to streamline your poetry, but I recommend it here. Basically, take out every word that you don't need for the poem to make sense. Then, add back in a few to maintain the vibe of the poem.
I recommend that you switch the tense from past to present. I think it would give the poem a closer tone. I feel removed from the poem as it is, and maybe streamlining it would help, but I feel that the tense is also having this effect.
The rest of your piece is very proper sounding, but this bit doesn't give the same feeling. Saying something like "and knowing I'd fly the next day, I smiled softly" would be more correct-feeling than what you have. It's morning and it's difficult to give you the technical mechanics of the sentence. But I know that it feels wrongggg
Check out stanza 2 line 2. While the word "realer" is technically a legitimate word, it makes me cringe. Logically speaking, something is real or unreal. I think that "more tangible" or something similar would work better here.
Man, I feel like describing the fall and cutting to the chase instead of saying "I was no longer" would be more effective. This is something you would cut out during the streamlining process, but I had to point this out in particular because not only is this not serving the poem, but it's hindering it.
I think that the transition between the "good dream" and the "bad dream" sections could be more gradual. Perhaps hint at things going wrong gradually so the reader suddenly realizes that it's now a nightmare instead of you, the poet, telling us that it's a nightmare.
My dude, the title is unwieldy. I get it, it's pretty and long and metaphorical but it kinda gives away the whole thing. Cut it down a little bit. I like the milk image though.
The third to last stanza is my favorite. In my mind, it's a sunset, fading from peach orange to angry red. And you didn't even have to tell us that it was a sunset. Love it. I would suggest using more specific descriptors for the colors instead of "beautiful" to describe the orange. But that's my only criticism.
I hope that this review helps you make this poem better! I'm probably going to go back into my cave now, but I really enjoyed reviewing this. Happy Valentine's day!
the title is long on purpose, partially making fun of long poem titles and partially because i like it
thnx for the review. i'm not sure i'll streamline any of it because poems are difficult enough to write as it is, but yeah. thnx for the pointers
also oops sorry if i sound salty, not meaning to, i haven't eaten all day
murder your darlings
it's ok if you're salty bby
you're awesome and you wrote a good pome
i just hold you to a higher standard because you're my friend
I wasn't salty!! I just thought I may have sounded so, lel. And n0 this darling must liiive
mUrDeR
Write more poetry
This is beautiful. Well written, no grammar mistakes, it captures the mind, and it's unique. The only thing, is that you did mention anything about the glass of milk. I was kinda excited for that but you never mentioned it. The poem is still amazing anyway, and keep on writing! Your choice of words were super awesome too!
Oh, yeah, I ended up not including the milk bit because I thought it'd sorta be paired with a child asking to chase the monsters away (so it was vaguely implied, though barely) and I didn't wanna toss it in there after building up all that imagery and then just shatter the "seriousness" of the poem with some goofy trope. In the past I probably would've gone with that, but I'm growing up
Oh, yeah, I ended up not including the milk bit because I thought it'd sorta be paired with a child asking to chase the monsters away (so it was vaguely implied, though barely) and I didn't wanna toss it in there after building up all that imagery and then just shatter the "seriousness" of the poem with some goofy trope. In the past I probably would've gone with that, but I'm growing up
also oops sorry, YWS likes to send multiples, lel
Yeah I understand that, maybe you could at least change the title? But really you are right with keeping it serious.
But I like the tITLE!! lel
That imagery tho c:
Reminds me a little of the myth of Icarus (don't ask why)
how?