Heyo, Hattman! I'm here for my 300th review!
Okay, the first thing that I have to say is that I really like your beginning paragraph. It flows really well, the visuals are clear, and it's enticing. A+. Great usage of words to draw the reader into the story. I'm noticing, from excerpts that you share with me of poetry and prose, is that you're really good at description, tone, and flow. Even with the little things that I'll point out here, I'm still very, very impressed with your foothold on this area of writing.
The second thing that I'll say is that this gives me an Indiana Jones vibe? Granted, I didn't pay much attention when watching Indiana Jones, but this whole tomb-raiding thing reminds me of that. This doesn't mean that you're copying Indiana Jones (or the Gunslinger or whatever); this really means that you have an audience for what you're writing. That's a good thing. Knowing what audience you are a part of and can cater to is a wonderful thing to know. A lot of writers are left with a work and want to publish and go, "Hmm. I don't know the people who would read this. Oh no." Anyway, sorry for the ramble.
Now that I've buttered you up, let's get to the nitty-gritty stuff.
[...]just as easily. The subsequent gaps were traversed with ease,
I feel as if easily/ease were mentioned too close together. It disrupts the flow within my head. Personally, I would change the synonym of the latter.
There was the sound of sniffing from some, as though they expected to catch his scent from their realm of the dead, to determine what he was.
I'm not quite sure why this sentence sticks out to me, but it might be because the parenthetical phrase feels a bit too long. In fact, it took staring at the sentence for a few moments to realize that the phrase was parenthetical and that a comma wasn't misplaced. I would suggest rewording it.
Okay, so, I'm a bit confused at the nature of these specters. Alban is able to jump through them, yet they have corporeal forms since they're able to smell their own rotting corpses? How does being a ghost work within this world? Are they somehow controlling their ghostly forms from the grave? A little elaboration on this would be great.
Alban opened his eyes, a brief flicker of the lids,[...]
Personally, I don't see the need to include the bolded clause.
He couldn't make out much more than a tall male figure through the thick haze of blue and orange and green glows.
1. How does he know that the figure is male?
2. For simplicity's sake, I would probably say "multi-colored haze". The colors have already been noted before.
The gunshot almost drowned out the ensuing cry of pain, and smoke obscured his vision for a moment, but he knew he had hit his mark.
I'd break this sentence up. "[...]ensuing cry of pain. Smoke obscured[...]"
The voice shouted in that foreign tongue again,[...]
I would personally be a bit more specific with what the foreign tongue sounded like? You don't have to name the language or anything, but it is guttural or does it come out like clicks? Is it an airy sort of language? You don't necessarily have to describe it this late into the short story, but perhaps it would be good to mention when the figure is introduced. It could definitely lend to the eerie tone of this story.
Question! Why did Alban shoot at the man and then not at the dog? The dog was clearly feral-looking and the man was clearly his master, so why not get two birds with both stones? Better yet, why not kill the dog first? It seems like the dog would have been the biggest threat. (I don't want to advocate for animal violence! However, I seriously don't understand Alban's thought process here in terms of protecting himself.)
[...]and chunks of flesh were removed from his torso.
Painful, yes. But this description doesn't really feel painful, ya get me? I know I struggle with emotionless language a lot, but "removed" definitely sounds more clinical than it does emotional. "Torn" might be a better word in this instance.
Once again, this employs description beautifully, but I find myself wondering what the purpose of the short story was. Alban trying to get to the tomb for some purpose and the figure helped Alban for some purpose, but the reader is never exactly told why. With a little bit of worldbuilding, I think this could be made into a strong short story. Because right now, the reader has little to no personal connection with Alban to feel pity for the fact that a feral dog killed him.
If you plan on rewriting this, here are some key things that I would focus on:
1. Alban's backstory. Who is he? Why is he raiding a tomb?
2. What is the tomb? What's in the tomb that Alban wants? Perhaps he's down on his luck
3. Who is the man? Is he myth or legend? Is he a caretaker of the tomb? How can he control the ghosts?
And, actually, if you manage to find some of these things out, then I think you would have a good name for the story. Like, uh, it could be named after the tomb or something. Or even after the man and his power! (Does "Phantom Control" sound like a good title?)
Anyway, thanks for letting this be my 300th review! I hope it was helpful. I'm really looking forward to seeing more stuff from you, because you're really good. Uh, if you have any questions or want plot help, then just message me on Discord! I'm always happy to help!
-E
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Reviews: 324
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