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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Hitherto Unnamed - Part I

by Hattable


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Headless specters drifted into the clearing in the woods, zigzagging sluggishly from beyond the tree trunks and large boulders. A muted blue glow emanated from most, but others were bright oranges and light greens. It was an oddly calm array, watching these spirits float about, but Alban knew that falling for the calm would only put him in graver danger. He was here for something besides the phantasms; they were but an obstacle.

Standing at the edge of the clearing with the tattered, cracked spine of a book in hand, Alban waited for the right moment. The spirits drifted in such a pattern that, momentarily, a path opened up between them. The surrounding area was much too heavily-wooded and thick undergrowth would disallow him to progress that way. Through was the only option. Through, one gap at a time. It would be slow progress, but progress nonetheless.

Opposite his position, beyond the short sea of aimless souls, sat the entrance to a tomb, and within that he would find his prize.

He grit his teeth as the row of spirits nearest him lined up with the next, presenting the opening he awaited. With a quick leap, he flew through the gap, and landed neatly, now between two ghostly layers. There would be about a dozen more leaps like this to make.

A moment passed before the next opening revealed itself, but he glided through that just as easily. The subsequent gaps were traversed with ease, and before long he was only two short gaps away from the tomb. He felt anticipation bubbling up inside himself, exhilaration as his hunt for the tomb's treasure was finally drawing to an end. And in his excitement, he grew foolhardy. He made to dash through the next gap in ghosts too early, and charged directly through a glowing cloud of cyan.

Shrieking consumed the clearing as every headless specter around suddenly became aware of his presence. Their cries were ear-piercing, crippling, and Alban found himself curled on the ground with both arms wrapped around his head. He grimaced and bared his teeth at the pain as the ghosts moved in. There was the sound of sniffing from some, as though they expected to catch his scent from their realm of the dead, to determine what he was. They wouldn't be able to smell anything but their own rotting corpses, yet they persisted.

Alban opened his eyes, a brief flicker of the lids, and shot the tomb door one final glance before the spirits would surely drag him away and make him one of them. Then, a low whistle broke through their screams, and everything stilled. The ghosts, Alban, the dreadful noises in the air-- even the cloud about the moon seemed to halt.

A gruff voice somewhere across the clearing, where Alban had come from, barked in a foreign tongue to the spirits. Alban dared another peek and found his attackers facing where the voice came from. He couldn't make out much more than a tall male figure through the thick haze of blue and orange and green glows.

The voice broke out again and the spirits began to disperse, trailing back into the forest much more quickly than they had arrived. Alban watched them go before rising cautiously and squinting at the newcomer's silhouette. Although the spirits' colors had vanished with them, Alban still couldn't make out the man's features. He tossed a quick glance back to the tomb, and when the man made no move to approach or address him, Alban darted for the large stone door.

“And who might you be?” the voice said behind him.

Alban froze in his tracks as the voice took on a language he could understand. He was mere feet from the tomb, now, but dared not reach for it. This voice was vile and ancient. He hadn't caught it in whatever foreign tongue had been used against the spirits, but he could feel it now. This was no man standing behind him.

“And why is that important?” Alban retorted in fake confidence as he spun on his heels.

The wrong response, if this creature were what he suspected, but it was the response his tongue had fired, and there was no going back. He forced back the wince that threatened to give away his faux courage.

“Well, seeing as I just saved your life, I thought I might as well know. I do like to remember the names of those I've helped,” the creature responded, and though Alban couldn't make out his face, he sensed that there would be a smug grin plastered there.

“Is that so?” he said, placing a discreet hand on the revolver holstered to his right hip.

The only response was a shrug. Then the creature pat the side of his leg and a four-legged silhouette crawled from the bushes behind him, low to the ground and feral-looking, even when completely shadowed. Alban's ears tingled at the deep growl of a canine, but unlike any canine he'd ever encountered.

“I'll ask you again, stranger,” the creature said. “Who are you? What's your name?”

Alban was quiet a moment. Then, swift as lightning, he drew his revolver from its holster and fired a shot off at the man across the clearing.

The gunshot almost drowned out the ensuing cry of pain, and smoke obscured his vision for a moment, but he knew he had hit his mark.

The voice shouted in that foreign tongue again, and as the cloud of smoke cleared, Alban could see the man's dog barreling towards him at full speed, fangs barred and drool flying.

He tried to fire off another shot, this time at the dog, but his revolver misfired. Stumbling back and spinning to face the tomb again, Alban pried at the door, seeking escape. Just as he managed to crack it open enough to squeeze through, the dog leaped on his back and began ripping into his flesh.

Alban screamed in pain as hot blood spilled from his shoulders and chunks of flesh were removed from his torso. He collapsed, unable to hold up the dog's weight or to throw it off. He tried to struggle with it, but his chest was to the dirt and the beast had him pinned as it tore off piece after piece of his body. Then, the dog clamped its mighty jaws around his neck, and everything went dark.


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324 Reviews


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Thu May 10, 2018 7:56 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Heyo, Hattman! I'm here for my 300th review!

Okay, the first thing that I have to say is that I really like your beginning paragraph. It flows really well, the visuals are clear, and it's enticing. A+. Great usage of words to draw the reader into the story. I'm noticing, from excerpts that you share with me of poetry and prose, is that you're really good at description, tone, and flow. Even with the little things that I'll point out here, I'm still very, very impressed with your foothold on this area of writing.

The second thing that I'll say is that this gives me an Indiana Jones vibe? Granted, I didn't pay much attention when watching Indiana Jones, but this whole tomb-raiding thing reminds me of that. This doesn't mean that you're copying Indiana Jones (or the Gunslinger or whatever); this really means that you have an audience for what you're writing. That's a good thing. Knowing what audience you are a part of and can cater to is a wonderful thing to know. A lot of writers are left with a work and want to publish and go, "Hmm. I don't know the people who would read this. Oh no." Anyway, sorry for the ramble.

Now that I've buttered you up, let's get to the nitty-gritty stuff.

[...]just as easily. The subsequent gaps were traversed with ease,

I feel as if easily/ease were mentioned too close together. It disrupts the flow within my head. Personally, I would change the synonym of the latter.

There was the sound of sniffing from some, as though they expected to catch his scent from their realm of the dead, to determine what he was.

I'm not quite sure why this sentence sticks out to me, but it might be because the parenthetical phrase feels a bit too long. In fact, it took staring at the sentence for a few moments to realize that the phrase was parenthetical and that a comma wasn't misplaced. I would suggest rewording it.

Okay, so, I'm a bit confused at the nature of these specters. Alban is able to jump through them, yet they have corporeal forms since they're able to smell their own rotting corpses? How does being a ghost work within this world? Are they somehow controlling their ghostly forms from the grave? A little elaboration on this would be great.

Alban opened his eyes, a brief flicker of the lids,[...]

Personally, I don't see the need to include the bolded clause.

 He couldn't make out much more than a tall male figure through the thick haze of blue and orange and green glows.

1. How does he know that the figure is male?
2. For simplicity's sake, I would probably say "multi-colored haze". The colors have already been noted before.

The gunshot almost drowned out the ensuing cry of pain, and smoke obscured his vision for a moment, but he knew he had hit his mark.

I'd break this sentence up. "[...]ensuing cry of pain. Smoke obscured[...]"

The voice shouted in that foreign tongue again,[...]

I would personally be a bit more specific with what the foreign tongue sounded like? You don't have to name the language or anything, but it is guttural or does it come out like clicks? Is it an airy sort of language? You don't necessarily have to describe it this late into the short story, but perhaps it would be good to mention when the figure is introduced. It could definitely lend to the eerie tone of this story.

Question! Why did Alban shoot at the man and then not at the dog? The dog was clearly feral-looking and the man was clearly his master, so why not get two birds with both stones? Better yet, why not kill the dog first? It seems like the dog would have been the biggest threat. (I don't want to advocate for animal violence! However, I seriously don't understand Alban's thought process here in terms of protecting himself.)

[...]and chunks of flesh were removed from his torso.

Painful, yes. But this description doesn't really feel painful, ya get me? I know I struggle with emotionless language a lot, but "removed" definitely sounds more clinical than it does emotional. "Torn" might be a better word in this instance.

Once again, this employs description beautifully, but I find myself wondering what the purpose of the short story was. Alban trying to get to the tomb for some purpose and the figure helped Alban for some purpose, but the reader is never exactly told why. With a little bit of worldbuilding, I think this could be made into a strong short story. Because right now, the reader has little to no personal connection with Alban to feel pity for the fact that a feral dog killed him.

If you plan on rewriting this, here are some key things that I would focus on:
1. Alban's backstory. Who is he? Why is he raiding a tomb?
2. What is the tomb? What's in the tomb that Alban wants? Perhaps he's down on his luck
3. Who is the man? Is he myth or legend? Is he a caretaker of the tomb? How can he control the ghosts?

And, actually, if you manage to find some of these things out, then I think you would have a good name for the story. Like, uh, it could be named after the tomb or something. Or even after the man and his power! (Does "Phantom Control" sound like a good title?)

Anyway, thanks for letting this be my 300th review! I hope it was helpful. I'm really looking forward to seeing more stuff from you, because you're really good. Uh, if you have any questions or want plot help, then just message me on Discord! I'm always happy to help!

-E




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Mon May 07, 2018 8:47 pm
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Satrena wrote a review...



This is a wonderful beginning to a story. Though, I don't think I would have rated it 16+. The few bloody parts in here are not that bad. There is also very good descriptive language used throughout the story, though I would have described the surrounding a bit more. You have the trees and sky described, but not the way the grass feels agents Alban's skin or the way the air smells. People could infer about those things, but then the picture you were trying to paint might not come out the way you want it to. Other than that, this is amazing work. Wonderful job. I am excited to see part two!




Hattable says...


I kinda imagined it as a stony clearing but I guess I forgot to mention that, oops. But so yeah, no grass, lel.

I marked it 16 because the gore wasn't all that graphic or, well, gory, but I like to play it safe on that kinda thing, haha.

Thanks for the review! Not sure how soon I'll get around to writing a second part since I don't have a lot of ideas as to where to go with this, but glad you liked it!



Hattable says...


Oops-- and yeah I'll definitely try to up my description of settings and whatnot next time. I tend to not delve into that too much for fear that I'll get off topic or describe everything for too long, but I realize that inadvertently has me not describing much at all.

Thanks again!




I think the more you understand myths, the more you understand the roots of our culture and the more things will resonate.
— Rick Riordan