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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
IRI really got to the heart of what needs fixed, so sorry if I repeat anything she already said (and I'm sure that I will). For me, grammar and punctuation and formatting are the really big and noticeable things. Creatively speaking it's not insanely original, but trust me, my first post to this site was MUCH worse, and one of the best things about YWS is that you get the opportunity to grow and improve as a writer. I definitely see potential, and hope to see you on the site!
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Thanks this was an original... I wrote it when i was 11!!! I had just gone through ny cuzins wining over her breakup!!! So i wrote it down reworked it,but left punctuation and grammer out of the question!:)
Hey, greetings! And welcome to YWS! (;
So. Reviewing this. Can't say that I'll be easy, but you didn't do bad, so let's just see where this review'll go.
Firstly, the construction and structure of how you set up the poem. This wasn't something that I find would be suitable for a poem like this. I liked the flow, but it probably would've been better expressed if you did it stanza's and lines rather than just putting it all together. I find it a rather shame, since I loved the wording and how I can totally see a voice behind this poem, but how you decided to place it by not doing lines or stanza rather turned me off. Organization and how you present your writing is so important, and can completely change how one can feel about a piece.
Secondly, the gist of the words that express what the poem is about. It's quite typical in a way, but not all that bad. The first 13 words caught my eye, where it eventually turned into something that was typical, but left a feeling of "oh, I can totally relate to that." That's a great thing!
Here, I think that "to the bottom of the sea" was unnecessary, but it would work if you had formatted it into lines and stanzas. (Gosh, I'm stressing on this so much, sorry!)
Thirdly, spelling and grammar mistakes. I'll have to admit, this made me wince a bit. Please keep in mind that on the site, when submitting, there is a spellchecker! Be wary and learn from your mistakes. Here's what you missed:
Watch out for those spelling mistakes next time!
Overall, if I were to rate this poem, I'd give it probably 5.5/10. It's new and has writing that could easily become better over time and experience as well as motivation. I liked it, but it was rather amateur and could use work. I'd suggest to leave it as it is, and to take constructive reviews seriously and carefully. Don't change it after reading this! Leave it as it is, and perhaps in a nearby future, you could rewrite it as a separate piece! I think that it'd be great if you could look back on this piece fondly, hopefully. When you write your next poem, you could take into consideration how your first poem went, and think about how you could make your next one better.
I hope that you will take my sincere words carefully, and I hope to be able to read more from you! I know that you've got a potential talent; you just got to explore a little.
Welcome to YWS, hope you enjoy it here!
~IRI
Thank you very much!!! And as i said to the comment above, it was my first sooo .....yah!