Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: At first glance, this is pretty well done here. I like the main premise, it seems like something that could make for a pretty good story and the point you convey here are quite good but there were some issues.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I looked out the car window and sighed. We passed white-picket fence houses lined with pink roses every other second. Another perfectly perfect neighborhood again. Just the way my mom liked it.

“So this is our new home right on this street.” My mom pointed to an olive house with chipped cream shutters. If we were going to fit in with the regulars our ‘new home’ would need some work.

“Hey mom we should probably get the house repainted and work on the yard.” I shrugged my shoulder into a more comfortable position and went back to staring out the window.

Well, this makes for a very interesting start here, it almost seems like a relaxed opening where its just a family pulling into a new neighborhood to start their lives over and kind of just taking in the surroundings, but this could just be being paranoid, but I sense some sort of hidden animosity in that dialogue as if something could be happening behind the scenes here.

“You’re definitely right. Maybe we could change the color, it’s such an ugly green…” as my mother chirped away I sighed again. As I got out of the car I felt eyes on my back. When I turned around I caught a glimpse of chocolate hair duck behind the bushes. It’s what I hated the most about moving, when you first moved in people acted like you were some new species of human. They couldn’t help but openly stare at you. I crossed my arms.

Well, this tells you a bit more about the character of the mother in this scenario, that's nice to see and we also get to see the protagonist paying some pretty close attention to their surroundings. The casual observation of the whole thing also suggests that perhaps this is not the first time these people are moving, which is also an interesting detail to include there.

“I know you’re there behind the bush. There’s no use hiding anyways.” I pulled my long black hair into a ponytail, critically watching a boy around my age slowly stand up. He flashed me a crooked smile. The first thing I noticed was his eyes. They were an intense green, much like the forest… I shook my head. Forget it, forget the past. Forget dad, he was a foolish coward for running away. The day he left for work and never came back my mom sat me down, her eyes puffy and red. She told me it was going to be okay, that we probably weren’t going to see dad again. But we had each other and that was all that mattered. At first I was sad, but soon hot anger replaced depression. From that day I vowed to be brave, always. I would stand by mom, no matter how ridiculous she was sometimes, and never ever run away from anything.

Okay...well this one went downhill fast, much like I expected, well. This definitely introduces and interesting new dimension into things which does make for a pretty good prologue, although I will say while the subtle start to the whole missing dad situation was good, it went on for much too long here, you need to cut this one much shorter or that tangent it goes off on is a bit too long.

“Need help unloading? It’s the least I can do after staring you down like that.” His hair fell into his eyes in the typical cliquey boy style. I rolled my eyes. Another thing I hated my dad for, his looks. It’s what drew my mom to him in the first place. His deep black hair and piercing blue eyes, a bright smile and set jaw. All of his seducing characteristics, the features that attracted women to him like bees to honey, all of it was passed down to me. And I hated every bit of it; the same thing was happening to me now, an adolescent still developing with hormones a mess. Boys were coming on to me left and right, except I’m not flirtatious and outgoing like my dad. I prefer the company of shadows and the friendship of no one. Which is why I was so surprised when I found myself falling for the boy next door.

Okay...well, this ending just kind of totally broke the flow there...it sounds like you start this with the intentions of one particular tone and then just go off on a tangent on a totally different tone towards the end, which doesn't lend itself particularly well to the story here. Don't get me wrong, these are great points to have in a prologue, this is definitely interesting enough to make me want to read more, its just that there's a massive inconsistency in the flow of the piece here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, besides the couple of things that I pointed out above, I think this makes for a pretty solid story here, its one that I think I would potentially read more of here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi Happy!

Welcome to YWS! You may not have read the Rules yet, but one of them is that you review at least two works before posting any of your own stuff, and afterwards, keep reviewing! I'm not sure if there's a ratio, but if you review about twice as much as you post stories, you should be fine. It means that everyone gets their stuff reviewed, and people get to know you and they'll be more inclined to read your stuff if you've read theirs.

Anyway! Your story was well written and it opened with a good pace and it got right into the meat of it. So it worked well as a prologue, getting at once into the story so we're interested, but leaving enough so we're intrigued. I have to say that romance isn't my thing at all, but this seems like it's going to have a plot other than "ahhh me, I am in luuurrrve!"

There were some things that you could have improved on, though. I apologise in advance if any of this seems harsh, but it's genuinely only meant to help you and your story. It's like going to the dentist, you know?

When I turned around I caught a glimpse of chocolate hair duck behind the bushes.

Mmm... chocolate hair. Can I have a piece? "Chocolate-coloured hair" would be better. Or, you know, "brown".

I pulled my long black hair into a ponytail, critically watching a boy around my age slowly stand up. He flashed me a crooked smile. The first thing I noticed was his eyes. They were an intense green, much like the forest… I shook my head. Forget it, forget the past. Forget dad, he was a foolish coward for running away. The day he left for work and never came back my mom sat me down, her eyes puffy and red. She told me it was going to be okay, that we probably weren’t going to see dad again. But we had each other and that was all that mattered. At first I was sad, but soon hot anger replaced depression. From that day I vowed to be brave, always. I would stand by mom, no matter how ridiculous she was sometimes, and never ever run away from anything.

This bit felt awkward and out of place. She's just got out of the car and suddenly she's having a flashback in front of a strange guy. If the stuff about her dad is important then you can reveal it subtly later on, but not like this. This is an info-dump. Info-dumps are where you drop a ton of information on your reader's toes. Like the proverbial ten-ton weight on the head of Francis X. Bushlad. It's awkward and doesn't really fit in with what's gone before. Your character (what's her name, btw?) can talk about her past later -- maybe in some bonding time with the boy? Not telling us her backstory adds an incentive to keep reading, as well.

The detail about her hair is awkward as well and could be revealed later. It took me a while to fully appreciate this, but it's not essential to know exactly how a character looks. I mean, for you as the writer it's important, but not for the readers. We're not not going to be able to appreciate plot and writing because we don't know what colour the M/C's eyes are.

The stuff about her dad's appearance and her appearance annoyed me. The way you tell it, her dad was so hot, women were falling over themselves to be near him. I have yet to see a guy so hot that I would automatically want to be with him, regardless of whether he was a jerk or not. Him being so hot women lose their judgment just reminds me of Edward Cullen. Yuck.
I really, really dislike it when a character says that they're pretty. I hate it. I loathe it. I mean, yes, there are pretty people in the world and they probably do look in the mirror and think, "Woo, you foxy thing, you" but everyone has off days. No one is pretty all the time. For a character to devote an entire paragraph on just how darn great they look puts me right off reading anymore about them. Would you like it if someone you'd just met came up to you and started going on about how pretty they look? It's just annoying. "Yes I am so pretty but I really wish I wasn't because I have all these boys asking me out and telling me how hot I am and oh my, it's such a drag."

'K. Rant over.

This sentence bugs me:

I prefer the company of shadows and the friendship of no one.

This girl is a pretentious little whatsit. Sorry, but she is. "The company of shadows"? Why shadows? Because it sounds cool? It sounds pretentious and makes me want to laugh at her. Shadows have zero conversational skills. She might as well say "I prefer the company of the walls that surround me and cage me in" or "I prefer the company of the chair". I can say that I'd rather be with my laptop than some people I know, but that's because my laptop is cool and it gets me to YouTube and TV Shack and my Word documents and here.


PM me if you have any questions!

-Twit