A cigarette in hand,
I sit back in my chair.
The sun pours down
like a waterfall.
A dog ahead,
lies down on it's back -
like a turtle on it's shell.
He's laying down,
all joyous and gay,
thinking to himself:
"Gosh, what a beautiful day"
A breeze flows by
to remind us all:
that the cold days gone,
and all that remains
is the waterfall
I recline back,
and take a long drag,
and I tell myself:
"Gosh, what a beautiful day"
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138,973 Literary Works • 672,387 Reviews
Hello there! I’m here to give you a review for this lovely poem.
First of all, welcome to YWS! We’re so happy to have you here and I hope you’re having a good time so far.
I love the rhythm of this poem! Rhythm is a super crucial part of poetry (at least for me) and you’ve gotten some nice rhythmic moments throughout. I think the repetition of ‘Gosh, what a beautiful day” contributes to that, tying these images together as well, so it’s cohesive!
I will say, I think this poem doesn’t really need a rhyme scheme--it’s not spread throughout, so it’s a bit odd. A good rule of thumb for rhyming is that it’s either throughout the poem or not used at all, since adding a rhyme can change the tone quite a bit. Since you’ve got a nice, contemplative tone here, the parts with rhyme seem almost corny. Just something to think about!!
I’d also just look at the parts where you’ve written “it’s”(used as a contraction of “it is”)--change those to “its” (possessive) and it’ll be fine and dandy!
Overall, I definitely enjoyed reading this!! You’ve got the makings of a wonderful piece here.
Keep writing!
<3, chem
This is a lovely little poem.
I like the rhythm in the last three stanzas, although it does feel a little lacking in the first couple. The repetition of "gosh, what a beautiful day" works wonderfully, I like how it is long, in contrast to the smaller, quicker lines before it. It hammers home the impression of contentedly sighing on a warm summer day, a momentary pause to take it all in. The sunlight/waterfall simile is interesting, but again, the lines feel a little disjointed. Having some rhyme, or alliteration might make the lines work better, also saying the sun "streams" down instead of "pours" might make the connection to a waterfall clearer---although that's just my take, art means different thing to different people.
Overall, you've done a great job of communicating your meaning with this piece and it was a lovely read.
its noticing the little things. we sometimes get so consumed by life that we forget to pay attention to the small things happening around us that are equally amazing, equally important, and equally beautiful. nice poem!