Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
02
A nice thing about being immortal is that you don’t really need to keep a sleep schedule. You can sleep once every two days if you want. Or you can sleep for as long as possible, as often as possible.
No-brainer, right? I chose the latter.
In an abandoned, crumbling house? Sign me up. Under a fallen tree? Sweet. Inside a trash compactor? Only if I’m feeling really down.
In fact, I was sleeping at the bottom of Lake Michigan when the world ended. Well, maybe I should elaborate. When I say I was sleeping in Lake Michigan, I really mean that I wanted to see if I would drown if I was tied to a giant rock at the bottom of a lake for a week. Neat, right? Sadly, it didn’t really work. I just ended up stuck between the state of really needing more oxygen and wishing I was dead for a couple days. Regardless, at the time I thought it was worth a try, but John didn’t think so. He was complaining about the fish and the smelly water the entire time. Every time a fish swam by above us, he would curse at it loudly and start yelling for some lake monster to come eat me already. When I told him that he technically wasn’t real and nobody could hear him, he proceeded to dramatically recite a gloomy poem about some raven. Overall, it was a fantastic picnic.
Anyways, seeing as I was at the bottom of a giant lake, it took me an embarrassingly long time —according to John— to realize that the world had ended. Honestly, John needs to get off my back. All that I could see was an endless stretch of brown water and a couple of overly curious fish. Besides, it took me an entire day to loosen the rope that was tying me to the rock.
“Please just tell everyone what your point is, then please stop talking,” John whines at me. See? Exactly my point.
But, yes, the end of the world.
I’m pretty sure that I missed out on all the fun bits, because when I crawled out of Lake Michigan like some demented version of the Little Mermaid, everybody was dead. Okay, maybe not everybody, but most people that I saw were dead. I even checked.
At first, I thought that something like the Black Death had screwed humanity over again. There were a lot of black fingers and toes, blood, and masks. It took me a while to get over my jealousy, but after a couple hours of wandering around and wistfully looking at dead bodies, I finally listened to John and picked up a newspaper. Turns out that I had been right, but only partially. There had been a pandemic that had a fatality rate of over eighty percent, according to the papers. But, emphasis on partially. See, humanity bounced back from the Black Death —which, at the time, made me applaud and John gag in disgust—. However, the scenery didn’t exactly give me the feeling of bouncing back, unless other people use the English language as loosely as I do. Some cars were burning on the side of the road. I found most of the bodies inside buildings, but a good number were littered on the streets, which made John complain about the smell again.
“I swear you smelled worse than them, and they were rotting,” John interrupts me to complain, and I groan into the bed in annoyance. Okay, seriously, what’s with him and smelly things? It’s not like he has a nose. “Touché.”
Basically, if a small portion of humanity did survive this wonderful, catastrophic event, and is in the process of “bouncing back”, I haven’t seen it yet. Therefore, the end of the world. I mean, okay. I didn’t try digging too far into it, and I’ve been in suburban Chicago for the past month or so, so maybe not. Whatever.
I must admit that I’m not too bothered by it. At worst, my scaly friend was right and I’ll watch everything around me die. At best, well…
My main concern is the rain. The sun is beginning to rise, but the rain is still pouring outside the window. There’s no leaving the house if it’s raining. I pull the pillow off of my head and hug it close to my chest instead. John starts to hum under his breath.
“Rain, rain, go away,” I start to sing along after a moment, but John tells me to shut up since I’m off-key, so I stop. Instead, I close my eyes and pull the sheets over my head. After what feels like hours, I slip back into sleep.
* * *
There is raw despair in the woman’s voice as she shakes me by the shoulders. I can’t see her face even though it’s right in front of me. I recognize the voice, but only faintly. It’s my mother.
You called it a snake, she asks desperately. You saw it ascending and you called it a snake?
I do not respond. Blood still drips from my clothes. It’s raining outside our little hut. A little child cowers in the corner of the room. My sister? Brother? I’m not quite sure.
My mother begins to sob. I wish that I could wipe her tears away. I wish that I could see her face. Foolish child. You saw a rising dragon and you called it a snake. Now it has cursed you.
Her hands slip from my shoulders, and she cradles her face instead. Her body is trembling in grief.
Oh, my poor child…
I open my mouth, but no words escape.
Even sleep shall not give you rest, a voice hisses in my ear. Suffer!
I really do hate snakes.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hey Hanuli. I like the story, it's great fun to read! The humour adds a nice balance to it. I think adding some more description of the scenes might be useful to better develop your story - try changing explanation to description. For example, when describing the scene in the hut, you could improve on the description of the setting. As opposed to explaining that "it's raining", you could describe the sound of the rain "pounding down on the thatched roof of", etc. Maybe throw in a simile or two. You'll need to add a question mark when the protagonist's mother asks "you called it a snake"; also, maybe omit the word desperately. Show her emotions, don't tell. Hope this helped, and good luck on the story!
Jacob
Hello Hanuli, I'm here for a review! My apologies if I say something stupid, as I haven't read part 1.
I would make these into one paragraph, as they're pretty much the same thought.
The "please"s are a bit repetitive, maybe take one of them out?
The last dash, before the period, is unnecessary.
If it's a question, you should use a question mark:
You called it a snake? She asks desperately.
Otherwise, change the verb to something like "she cries" or "she whimpers".
How can the narrator tell a child is there if they can't even see their mother's face, right in front of them?
I'm not sure about the last line, "I really do hate snakes," because it seems too much in the style of the first part. I would recommend ending it on a more morbid note.
Overall, I loved the humour in the first part contrasted with the horror in the second! It's really unique and refreshing! I'm not exactly sure how they tie together, but I'm sure that will be revealed in later parts.
I hope this review was helpful, if you have any questions please ask.
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit