You have a good idea and message you want to portray to the reader but the poem only has few examples making your message not as strong as It could be. Instead of telling the reader show the reader, you are stating lots of things upfront to the reader. You should hang the text over a little make the reader wonder, it makes a more dynamic writing piece. Although you should definitely make some changes over all you have a great writing piece that just needs to be refined!
Regards,
Rainy
PS: If you would like any further help or advice just message me and I will definitely help! Good Luck!
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