A flash of steel.
A drop of blood.
These scars are real,
And he thinks that he should
Have put that kinfe down,
Back at the start.
Before he started to drown,
Should have been smart.
For now he is a shadow,
Of what he used to be.
It can happen to anyone,
You,
Or me...
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You have a good idea and message you want to portray to the reader but the poem only has few examples making your message not as strong as It could be. Instead of telling the reader show the reader, you are stating lots of things upfront to the reader. You should hang the text over a little make the reader wonder, it makes a more dynamic writing piece. Although you should definitely make some changes over all you have a great writing piece that just needs to be refined!
Regards,
Rainy
PS: If you would like any further help or advice just message me and I will definitely help! Good Luck!
You can definitely extend the last two lines. Take out "you or me" and instead give specific examples of people we see every day, like the girl in the back of the classroom or the guy at Wal-Mart. It's actually more relatable than "you" because the reader will likely deny it, and that's not good. Other than that, I like this because I do identify with the message a good bit.
I would move "have" up a line, so it starts with "put." it sounds better, in my opinion.
put a comma instead of a period after "start" to maintain flow. Add "he" in front of "should have been smart," and i'd make it a new sentence, but that's me. Take out the comma after "shadow" for flow, too. I like the first two lines a lot, and i think you can continue to work with this piece for a while and make it really, really good.
Thank you for your comment, it is much appreciated but i disagree with your thoughts on the "you or me". I chose not to give real examples because it can happen to anyone and i'd rather not give a specific to image to who is and/or isnt affected. Most people when they see bad things happen think "it's alright wont happen to me" but the thing is it can, and thats basically what im trying to put across in this poem.
Thank you again for your advice though.
This is a great poem HannibalStead, It really does show how mental health can be an issue for anyone. I'm happy I'm not alone on this being my 1st day as YWS member
Thank you very much,