He sat alone on the beach watching the waves come and go, watching the ocean kiss the earth harshly and unswervingly. Grabbing fistfuls of sand and then letting it slip out from between his fingers. He felt isolated, he felt free. There was no one on the beach this time of year, it was too cold, the wind was relentless, blowing his hair off his face and up in curls, adding to the fresh out of bed boy look of he wore. He was cold, even with the two sweatshirts, rain jacket, and blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He didn’t mind it so much he as busy thinking, thinking about what it was like to be a fish. The free life of a fish, down down down in the quiet under the riding tempest and crashing waves. “Would it be better or worse to be a fish?” “It would be colder” he thought “But, as a fish would it seem cold? As a fish would you be able to feel the temperature change” “What about sleep? There are no beds down there.”
He had stopped his sand grabbing and releasing, and was staring intently at the ocean, imagining what it would be like to be a fish. He thought of his scales, how they would glow when hit with rays of sun exactly where they were meant to be hit. He stared intently at his glass eyes bulging from the sides of his head, the swoop sweep of his tail fin through the water as he danced aimlessly wandering, nothing he needed to do, nothing he wanted to do, and for a second he was a fish.
Then he was tugged, fin first, out of his vision by the squeals of children coming off the dune and running on the beach. It made him angry to have his solitude broken. Now he had lost his train of thought and the dream of underwater bliss swam away. He got up and tugged the blanket off his shoulders, leaving it in between the two piles of sand he had created through the picking up and dropping. He walked to ward the ocean at a brisk eager pace. He removed his jacket as he went along dropping it without much care, then his first sweatshirt in the same manner. Then his second sweatshirt know in his t-shirt and jeans he could feel the could and he did mind it. “Not for long” he thought. As he made it to the edge of the water he removed his shoes and walked out.
The waves pushed and pulled him but drug himself through it, now nearly waist deep in the ocean. He could taste salt in his mouth and smell the natural seaweed and fish scent that it gave off. To him it felt pure. “I want to be a fish” he thought. And then without gazing back at the earth which he had come from he threw himself into the sea.
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hello, Hannawrites! I'm absolutely in love with the beach, so I really liked this story. The ending, if I deciphered it correctly, was somewhat a twist, though we could sort of see in coming if we looked at the third paragraph closely.
Now, I know you mentioned some typos. Either way, I'm just going to go ahead and list out some mistakes I found.
"fresh out of bed boy look of he wore"-I feel like this would sound better with some hyphens to tie some of the words together. For example, "fresh-out-of-bed look."
"even with the two sweatshirts"-This seemed oddly phrased. I think it could have a better approach and flow if you took out the 'the.'
"so much he as busy thinking"-This sentence didn't seem to make sense to me. If you shifted the words around, it would probably sound more proper. However, I could just be being rather stupid, which I am known for.
"under the riding tempest"-I think this is just a typo. Easy fix.
“Would it be better or worse to be a fish?” “It would be colder” he thought “But, as a fish would it seem cold? As a fish would you be able to feel the temperature change” “What about sleep? There are no beds down there.”-These sentences felt rather jumbled and piled among each other. If you give them some space or use some more punctuation, it would most likely sound better.
"Then his second sweatshirt know in his t-shirt and jeans he could feel the could and he did mind it."-I think a lot of this was just more typos. Here's a suggestion, you can take it or leave it: "Then his second sweatshirt, and now in his t-shirt and jeans he could feel the cold, though he didn't mind it.
Other than a few mistakes here and there, mainly consisting of typos instead of pure errors, this was a rather enjoyable story, especially for a beach lover like me. Keep writing (I'll definitely read more if they're about the beach)!
~Prez. T
This is different from other literature I have read before. From what I read, I know your main character wants to be a fish. Why is that? I'm not entirely sure why he wants to be a fish, but I advice including events that lead to this conclusion. Does this character have any problems living as a human? Your character is very underdeveloped. Make the story a little longer to ensure who this character is. The name, beliefs and conflicts the character is facing. The story obviously has a deeper meaning. In order to strengthen the theme you must dig a little deeper. I hope this helps.
-Devon
To everyone reviewing, please ignore the typos! There are a couple through out, I was so excited to posts I didn't give it the full attention it obviously needed. Anyway if you could keep the critique focused on the writing style, plot/story, and characters that would be super helpful.
--Hanna