OK this may sound not 'action like' but trust me it will do.
“But mummy please!” 12 year old Megan is asking her mother.
“for the last time I said no!” her mother sharply denied her request.
Once again Megan is asking her mother to go out with her ‘true love’
“But Why?” Megan asks with a quivering lip.
“Because I have had enough with all this boy talk and stop pretending to cry it won’t work on me again!” barks her mother with her rage increasing.
-
Megan has an off/on relationship with a boy for two years, Her mother, Sandra, is baffled on how long they have been together.
Wouldn’t you be?
But Now Sandra has had enough of the tears when Megan comes home saying he’s dumped her. So she says no more, of course there’s a disagreement.
-
“But I love him!” She screams with anger.
“If he loved you, you wouldn’t come home every few weeks crying and saying he dumped you!”
There was a silence.
-
Megan stood up from the chair and says one final sentence “Fuck off” and runs to her room crying her eyes out.
Sandra shouts at the top of her voice “Megan you get down these stair at once or I will punish you!”
“No I hate you, you old bag!”
Sandra sighs, gets up from the chair and walks to her ‘sweet’ daughters room.
“Megan please can I come in?”
“No” was all that Sandra could make out
“Me-“ She starts.
“NO YOU BEAST” Megan bawls out.
Sandra wasn’t going to take that abuse from her daughter.
Thanks for reading.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked your story the characters seemed a lot more like real people than most stories on this site. Yes they were stereotypes but if a stereotype is done well and changed up enough it doesnt really matter. The story, well since the post was so short I couldn't really tell what it was. Your style of writing was interesting for most of the storey I thought that their was a third person in the room who was describing this, I also wasn't sure who was the main character but that's just cause it was short.
Any way overall I liked it and wanted their to be more. one note at one point you off/on, on/off sounds much better and is how you are meant to say it.
Hi Hannah
I read your story but sorry to say it couldn't grab my attention.Maybe too little was posted.Your character 'Megan' is being really weird.Abusing mother is not good.I hope you'll keep that in mind.Would love to read more soon.
Oops. Sorry. Stupid Mistake. Never mind. Ignore.
I said she was 12.
Hi! TheNewHero, your reviewer for today, supports writing!
What an annoying little girl. I love it. Typical Child. But of what age? Maybe you should tell us unless it ruins something, like she's immortal.
Who's the main character between these two? I feel you should really, really explain. Either it's going to be a story that no one ever expects (The main character is the antagonists MOM!) or it's going to be about this teenager character.
Let's review, shall we? I am not in support of the spaces between your lines. Make them normal. I ean the SPACES, not just pressing enter, that's kind of cool.
Your story so far seems to be just stating out some facts and kicking off. Great. Good. Nice. Original. Fresh. Everyother supportive words you can think of.
SETTING: Like I mentioned above, it is desperately important for the attention of your reader. Is this in Britain, America, South Africa, or Yavin? Is this 99? 08? 3333? When? Because you speak with Mummy and the word BEAST! So I'm getting this six year old turning into a werewolf thing in my head.
The Title: I would either change that or put prologue because I don't feel any Journeying being mentioned here.
Hi, NewHero here to review:
Firstly let me say that this was a very interesting story. But (I don't know your story yet so let me not say) maybe you could have made this the prologue. There's not as much as can be considered chapter 1. Let's review:
Those are my nit-picks. There weren't any grammar errors and anything punctuation was either delibirate or something you could find if you read through again, and again but not again because then there's no errors.
This quick snap, dash and run review was brought to you by TheNewHero. He reviews for you!