As I looked into those deep sea blue eyes I asked myself, why I had done it. Why had I not stopped to help her? Why had I decided to drive, when I knew I was over the limit? It seemed ok to drive at the time; I should have known that it’s never OK to drink drive… never.
I had only gone down to the pub to tell the lads I was a Dad. Then I ended up having a pint that turned into two and then three. The rest is a bit of a blur. I realised the time and rushed to the car. I knew I was over the limit but I needed to get back to the wife and baby, so off I went.
I was going down a dark road and didn’t see the cyclist turning in front of me. I went straight into her. I knew as soon as we impacted that the force had been too hard for anyone to survive. I knew I couldn’t help her so I tried to make a quick get-away but ended up driving the car into a tree. That’s when I heard the sirens and that’s where it started to get really blurry.
All I remember is having interview after interview with a lawyer by my side. I only got to see my wife and daughter once during that time and I remember the look on my wife’s face, when I explained to her what happened. Her eyes asking me that one question I will never be able to answer, “Why?”
I am always asking myself that. I fall to sleep every night with that question at the fore front of my mind. Even after these two years I haven’t been able to answer that question. I don’t think I will ever be able to answer that question, no matter how many time it is asked, no matter who asks it I still wouldn’t be able to answer it. One thing I do know is that I will always look at my baby girl and ask myself, “Why?”
After I had met with my family I went to court. I fought so hard in court but I stood there on the last day of my trial and heard the foreperson of the jury say that one word, that you never want to hear, “Guilty.” That was it. I was sentenced to ten years in prison, put behind bars away from my wife and my baby who had only just been brought into the world. I sat there in the visitors’ room and looked at the picture of my two year old daughter, Alice Mai Parksons, named after Alice Jones who died because I had decided to drink drive.
I know one thing for certain, I will never forgive myself because not only have I taken one young girl’s life away from her but I will miss all the important mile stones in my baby’s life.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey there Hannah!
...that it%u2019s never OK to drink drive%u2026 never.
...tell the lads I was a Dad.
... over the limit but I needed...
... soon as we impacted that the force had been too hard for...
The way I review is basically by me pointing out all your spelling and grammatical errors, followed by you
punching your computer screen in a fit of ragethanking me.So yeah.
In the last sentence of the first paragraph;
Spoiler
That's either supposed to say 'drunk drive', or 'drink and drive'. Either one works.
And the last word should be 'ever', not 'never'.
In the second paragraph, first line;
Spoiler
That should be 'father', not 'dad'.
It also does not flow well into the next sentence. I'd try to combine the two like so:
I had only gone down to the pub to tell the lads I was a father, afterwords having a pint of [beer?], which quickly turned into two and then three.
And the next sentence should say 'was' instead of 'is'.
And the last line of that paragraph;
Spoiler
Should have a comma after 'limit'.
In the third paragraph, you restrain yourself from saying driving or drove until later in the paragraph. This makes it sound sort of awkward.
Spoiler
I wouldn't use the word 'impacted' here, nor 'hard'. Try 'collided' and 'great' instead respectively, since they properly describe what happened.
Starting off the next paragraph with 'All I remember...' is also awkward. Try making it, 'The next thing I knew...' (rephrasing the following sentence of course).
I wouldn't put the word 'Why' in quotations, there. Italicize them instead, since she didn't literally ask the question.
In the fifth paragraph, second line, the word 'these' before 'two years' isn't necessary.
In the third line, there should be a comma after 'no matter who asks it'.
You're also flip-flopity with your apostrophe use. You would write out 'I am' and 'I will' and 'it is', but not 'don't' or 'wouldn't'. This is something you'd have to edit on your own.
In the second to last paragraph, you confused me. You say the baby had just come into the world before he was arrested, but the baby was named after the accident, for the victim? Am I missing something?
And the last sentence is one big run-on that I'd suggest editing.
Other than than (which might seem like a lot, but really isn't), your work is fine. You just need a bit of tweaking here and there to make this piece wonderful.
You're a great writer and I hope you continue to be one.
Keep up the good work
Hi there, HannahBanana! Welcome to YWS
Glad to see you're getting started on the site! Also, reviewing other people's work is just as fun as getting comments on your own stuff, so you might want to try that too.
Now to your story! It's certainly educative in a way that makes the reader go, "Well *I'm* never going to do that". A slight problem I had with it, though, was that it reminded me too much of a story you'd read in a leaflet, you know "Don't drink and drive", and then your story would be under "Learn from the sad story of Mike, 32". Naturally, it's good that the story is realistic and believable, but the way you told it made it almost *too* realistic for this context.
A technical thing you might want to pay attention to is that you start a lot of the sentences with "I". That's very easy to do, of course, and I find myself having the same problem too! It's just that it makes the story sound a bit dull when there's not much variation with the sentence structures. I know it's difficult to stop doing that, but you can try and think about what other things happen in a story besides the main character's actions and movements. There are also things to describe, other people... not everything has to be *action*, at least not the "I did this, I said that" kind of action.
Don't get me wrong, though! I don't mean to say that this was somehow bad. I just mean that there are many literary devices you can use to make your story appear more, well, story-like. If we think of this as a leaflet story, it's very well executed technically, and there's nothing to complain about your grammar. You certainly know how to write.
I quite liked the ending of this, though. It's blunt and sad, and it doesn't sugarcoat. It's kind of ironic, really, and I find myself liking that.
Happy writing! Hope this helped!
Demeter
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hello, your story has idea behind it, and I like it. I would like to have a little more details like maybe show a little more of what happened. Maybe you could have told a little more about what he missed. you did show his remorse really well, but I couldn't tell if he is more sad that he killed someone or he is missing ten years of his baby girls life. Over all though it was a good story, and I enjoyed reading it
Hey. Here to review.
Hope this helps.
This was a very touching piece of writing. It conveys a message of how one carelessness can ruin so many lives. There's only one little thing, the character seems a bit distant and although you managed to portray his feelings, I think a few more details would make it better. But that's just my opinion.
So. overall, good work. Keep writing!
Hello. Here to review.
I read this story and thought it was beautiful. The whole idea, wow. Your writing really pulled my attention. Wonderful.
With my nit-picks. Well, first off you have no grammar/spelling mistakes. The story has been a little to quick, and faded, unless that's how you want it to be. He seems faded away by everything. I like that but at the same time I'd like to know more about what happened throughout the story.
Other than this, I think you did a great job.
Keep Writing!
-Nike
Hi HannahBanana, I have a few things to say about this piece:
Long distance relationships with your characters
I think what we have here is a distance from the narrator that makes it difficult to commiserate with him. Mostly I think this is because you don't have the events happening as they are happening. This guy is just kind of referring to them in the past and it really removes us from the story.
What you'll have to do is expand the story so that it is more intimate with the characters and let the actions come as they do, not have the narrator tell us about them.
Drama vs. melodrama
Melodrama is drama on steroids. And not in a good way. It's like those steroids that make those scary bodybuilders all veiny and gross. Melodrama hits you in the face and stuffs itself down your throat.
The best way to avoid melodrama is through subtlety. By letting the reader think for themselves, they will be able to appreciate the story you have to tell much better. Give us details and give us action. Give us small quirks that show humanity. What you don't want is a sort of "oh the humanity!" series of words. That really cuts down on the effectiveness of your story.
This seems a bit insensitive. I know I would be irate if some jerk drunk driver named their baby after my killed relative. It's a horrible thing, yes, but there are some lines that shouldn't be crossed.