Second poem
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Paper face
.
I look upon your face and wonder what changed;
it seems pale, corpselike, shallow and empty
and your heart no longer beats on your sleeve.
Whereas your mouth once formed joyous music
it now spits daggers and obscenities
which turn and bite me like unfaithful dogs
Pealing laughter conveyed happiness, but now
they are trumpets of shameless flattery.
Eyes once burned bright and vivid with passion
now sunken and narrowed, the fire is quelled
replaced with icy stares and frozen glares.
.
You have cocooned yourself away,
become another paper face in the crowd
a beacon of individuality,
shuttered, dimmed, faded into the background.
.
Do you honestly care for what they think?
Take off your mask and show me who you really are.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I enjoyed the originality, unfortunately I can't currently nitpick since I need to go & see to my Physics.
I'll be back!
Ben.
Thanks for the feedback =]
Hi Halcyon!
Second poem, eh? Welcome to YWS! First of all, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
Nice work at first glance. It can use some revision, but what can't? So, let's see what we can do.
I'm going to do a line-by-line review of this one, pointing out things I like and things that may need a bit of tweaking. It's all in red, so don't fear the red ink! Parentheses with a punctuation mark means that some punctuation should be added there; however, what I put in is just a suggestion.
So, the main things I've noticed are your (very slight) inconsistencies with punctuation and capitalization. Just before you post, remember to look those over. Read it aloud, see where you pause, insert punctuation as needed. Though you did a good job for the most part with that.
You've got some great imagery and metaphor here! Now, spice it up a bit.
I saw you said a lot about the mouth. What about they eyes? Eyes are one of a person's most expressive features. See if you can perhaps factor those in? Especially since a mask is designed so that it enhances the eyes, as you can't see the rest of the face.
All in all, I liked this. It's a very good start for something that has the potential to turn out awesome! Especially since it's your second poem. Good job!
I hope to see more from you!
Take care and keep it up!
~Freyja
You know I've always admired the poetic qualities of masks! Your poem is very full and deserves a second read.
I would recommend adding a little more punctuation in some spots to maintain the pace and quality of the poem but otherwise it really expresses how you feel about this someone.
I specifically enjoyed, "trumpets of shameless flattery".