Hi there! Lim here with a review.
General Impressions
The title “Unlearn” gives me the impression of a very serious poem, perhaps with social themes. To me, “unlearn” is a very sensational word nowadays since people are always talking about unlearning harmful patterns or beliefs. The image that you’ve used for inspo reminds me of signage. The figure with a distorted and ambiguous shadow seems to be what is referred to with the image “blurred lines”. Both the image and the poem convey a sense of tumult or turmoil. I can tell from the shape of the poem that it’s probably not a formal poem (i.e. not a sonnet, etc.) and more likely to be lyrics or free verse.
Themes
I think the poem describes a situation where an individual was treated unfairly throughout their life. “Bairn, just a child” occurs in the singular, which is why I say individual. There seems to be a theme of conformity vs individuality.
Bairn, just a child, who was given a duty that declines
The normalities of life like unconditional presumptions and essentials
“given a duty” implies a lack of choice in the matter. Yet the duty also “declines . . . normalities”, which is an interesting turn of phrase. It seems like the duty itself does not conform to some broader standard, but the subject of the poem has to carry it out anyway.
I also thought there was a theme of oppression. The phrases “the authorities” and “no ones priorities” suggest that the subject of the poem wasn’t treated as having worth. Then the line “their bodies were misconstrued and minds dissected for personal projects” suggests dehumanization.
Imagery
Something that maybe could be improved is the imagery. I found it difficult to imagine what was happening in the poem for quite a lot of it. Abstractions like “duty”, “normalities”, “presumptions”, “essentials”, “value”, “authorities” are harder to picture compared to concrete images like “yellow”, “light” and “robots”, which are comparatively fewer in number here.
Of course, not every poem needs to have super vivid imagery, though I do think in this case it would help readers understand it more easily if there were fewer abstract concepts to focus on.
On the other hand, if the intent is to represent how the subject’s life is being abstracted into “technicalities” as the poem says, this may be a strength? It does make the poem less traditionally narrative or ‘lyrical’ (in the sense of a lyric poem, like a Romantic nature poem, etc.) since there’s no expectation for the reader to visualise the scene.
Structure
Something I was impressed by was the consistent rhyming at the end of each line. It definitely makes the poem sound better aloud, and also highlights interesting things. For instance, authorities/priorities emphasises that the subject is disenfranchised by the people in power. The rhyming also helps give that lyricism to the poem that helps it convey a certain frustration or intensity.
The one part that I had trouble reading aloud was:
Only to receive unseemingly scars as being no ones priorities
“unseemingly scars” is an unusual phrase. I appreciate the assonance between re-CEI-ve and un-SEE-mingly but it does take me a few tries to read this line right through. The “as being” is also a sudden transition of sounds and grammar from the first half of the line, with the “b”. I’m not sure how “as” is meant here. Does it mean “scars (from) being no ones priorities” or “scars (like) being . . .”?
Overall
I think the main strength of the poem is that end-rhyme. I also liked the idea of “yellow/ mellow” as a contrast to the subject’s situation, as it’s a very extreme comparison, which makes it memorable and rhetorically strong. If you’re planning on revising this or writing more poetry in the future, my main suggestion would be to consider what’s the purpose of the poem (i.e. should the reader imagine and visualise? Understand easily? Or should they be befuddled for artistic purposes?) and edit the imagery and choices of words based on that.
Keep writing!
-Lim
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
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