Published June 10, 2011
I wish to be a bird, and soar towards the sky
I wanna be able to spread my wings and fly.
I wish to be a hiker, climb the tallest mountain
I wish to be a biker and go an win races
I wish to be a face painter an paint all the little kids faces
I wish to be a writer and write stories
About People who live happily an have no worries
I wish to live in the forest, and just lay under a tree,
to sit there and watch all the animals running around free.
I wish to be diver, who can dive deep down to the bottom of the seas,
I want to pick up all the pearls, even if it means to get down on my knees.
I wish to ride a motorcycle with him, just before sunset, while the light is getting dim.
I wish to hold his hand an walk on the beach,
under the moonlight, when the beauty of the night is unleashed.
I wish to Lay on his chest and count all the nights stars,
an for every star we count we let go of one of our past scars
I wish to close my eyes and all my dreams would come true
and one of my main wishes is to be always with you.
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140,959 Literary Works • 673,783 Reviews
I think Bolshevik covered the critiques, except for this:
'Lay' shouldn't be capitalized. Aside from that, it was quite good. You put a lot of feeling into it, which isn't always easy to do. Well done, and keep on writing!
Thanks so much, I write a lot and when I sit there and write I tend to jump around because of what Im thinking in my head that moment.
I will fix it and hopefully you will like it =)
Awwwwwwwww....tears much...
Anyway, I really liked this, it was very lyrical, and very personal, though a bit cluttered, that is why i am here! First of all i like the format, it is really easy for me to review this!
I wish to be a bird, and soar towards the sky nice
I wanna be able to spread my wings and fly. I'd stay with wish, wanna doesn't work, eliminate able, and it flows better.
I wish to be a hiker, climb the tallest mountain now put "want to" or wanna, but I would stay away from wanna, put "and" after the comma
I wish to be a biker and go an win races get rid of "an" and this is a great line, I like how it doesn't rhyme, nice touch
I wish to be a face painter an paint all the little kids faces okay, little trick here, leave it all, but change little to small, and it flows better with the painter-paint fiasco
I wish to be a writer and write stories another nice one!
About People who live happily an have no worries who wants that in story!
I wish to live in the forest, and just lay under a tree, nice
to sit there and watch all the animals running around free. maybe playing instead of running around
I wish to be a diver, who can dive deep down to the bottom of the seas,
I want to pick up all the pearls, even if it means to get down on my knees.
I wish to ride a motorcycle with him, just before sunset, while the light is getting dim. get rid of just before sunset
I wish to hold his hand an walk on the beach,
under the moonlight, when the beauty of the night is unleashed.
I wish to Lay on his chest and count all the nights stars,
an for every star we count we let go of one of our past scars
I wish to close my eyes and all my dreams would come true
and one of my main wishes is to be always with you.
good ending, the form was really strong, and straightfoward, though I don't know about the focus here, you kind of jump around, and I can't really find anything in the lines that aren't about HIM, so maybe just change them a bit to give them more meaning, the ending was really strong,
ask me for anything and i will respond!