All I want to is to bleed on this page of paper like the older times. I want, no, I need to express what I feel inside, this mad firework of foolishness and madness, of love and grief, of courage and freedom. If I am here to tell you this story It doesn’t mean that I have survived ,only that I have lived longer and therefore it is my duty to spread the words of freedom pure and immortal essence of our soul which flies in our bellies like a thousand butterflies on fire.
Chapter 1: A tale of longings and Memories
My name is Eya Nolen, I am twenty two years old and I approach my date of peremption , it could be in a month or in a few years as it could be in a day or an hour ,all I know is what I have already lived which is but a blink in this all universe and yet turned my world around until it was nothing that I had ever known and nothing that I ever wished to know.
I lived for years in the ACD district which is pretty much around where New York was and where Levian is now. From this era of my life I remember the black and grey walls of the so called city which was just a pale reflect of what It had been way before I was born. I remember the sweatiness of it and the perpetual smell of blood and fire.
Every day was the same , a well calculated schedule which implied to get out of the house and to come back at precise hours , it was funny to see all those people in the morning waiting in front of their doors for the morning opening , shaking in secret and smiling for the cameras. By the time we were under the Median Government, which was a moderated side of the people who took the power after the nuclear war in 2072 and established themselves as the rulers in the piece of country which was left after the massacre.
They decided as soon as they were in the command of the eastern districts to implant à micro card in every right arms they could find, babies, men, women, everyone which would according to them reinforce security and permit too help the police catch criminals and find missing people .
Of course at the beginning many tried to oppose themselves , some were moved by good intentions which would have fade anyway and others were just hungry for power but none of them succeeded , none , the government had people everywhere ready to act on their behalf and they contained the opposition , actually they smashed it like a vulgar bee .
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Hazaar,
sorry for being late.
I like the prologue bit. But taking in the extremely short part of the first chapter, I feel it would sound more natural if you include the prologue into the first chapter or, conversely, the whole thing into the prologue. That's just a suggestion.
I love your ideas. It looks like it's going to be a dystopian novel, yet I somehow feel you want to work on a sci-fi medium to portray more deeper themes.
Your starting has simplicity. I really like that. it gives a realistic vibe and the reader can still sense the futuristic tones.
But after that, I feel you have divulged a bit to much info.
From my limited knowledge, I can say that the protagonist, and in your case the narrator, should give information of the different past and how-it-was-before in a matter of fact way.
The narrator should focus more on the present and talk about the past when the right situation arises. That's partly the beauty of having a story set in future. You need the reader to discover that the story is taking place in future. You should refrain from telling him directly.
Give space to the reader. The reader needs time to digest the info, I think.
That brings me to the point of "action". Until now, the narrator is just talking and I feel there should be some action (be it in flashback or in real time) to complete the chapter. You throw in the info while you're having the action.
Other than that, I think you have done a great job in this. It's really a good start. I mean it.
Hope to read more and keep writing,
Puck
(a well calculated schedule which implied to get out of the house and to come back at precise hours) It seems that (to come back at a precise hour) would sound better I think if it were a schedule.
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How would a baby help them with security I dont now but I dont think that a lot of people go hunting for baby's.
(some were moved by good intentions which would have fade anyway and others were just hungry for power but none of them succeeded) I think Would have faded away.
Well it sounds a bit like the hunger games but it seems interesting.
Keep writing.
Everyone told me that ( about the hunger games) but it doesn't turn out the same , I will soon publish the next pages of the first chapter hope you'll read them, your review has been helpfull .
.
Thank you for reading
Hey Jar!
~ You need punctuation.Shady here with your review!
Alright! You're aware of your grammatical mistakes, so I'll turn my review away from that aspect of the story-- but, once you edit, I'd be willing to go over it and correct any mistakes that might slip through.
My general view of this piece is:
1) You could make your sentences shorter. I'm all for long, cumulative sentences. Don't get me wrong, I am, I adore them-- but they get confusing if you make them too long and/or you don't get them punctuated properly.
2) You should break the body up into paragraphs, to make it an easier read.
3) You should make it longer. What you wrote sparked an interest, but you didn't give me enough to really sustain that interest. I actually think you could make this a prologue-- and then start the first chapter with your MC doing something. I like action.
~~~
But! Regardless of my complaining (I do this in every review, I promise. It wouldn't be a true ShadowVyper review if I didn't complain about something.
If you have any questions or need any more help, don't hesitate to ask!
Keep Writing!
~Shady