When I was a kid, I thought dandruff was a myth.
But now I'm 5 and I've started noticing my parents— my dad mostly— and all the white flecks around our kitchen table. I thought it was snow, but we close our windows and snow can't go through glass like dandruff can— mom always said closed windows are better windows— but dad and I know she's just afraid of the snake-spitters.
Anyways, I'm 7 now so I have a pretty good understanding of the world. My dad's dandruff got worse though so I'm pretty scared for him. I was doing some math— i'm really good at math too by the way— and i realized something:
this made me realize, dad loses about 5000 sawbits of himself in a year! at this rate, he only has another year or two to live before he scatters himself along our kitchen table and into the trash bin.
Dad started writing a book— he won't let anyone read it which makes me mad. He's always in the study now— but i guess that's better than the trash bin. Anyways i know why he's writing it but I don't want to tell anyone to spoil it because he said he doesn't want anyone to read it anyways.
I'm 10 now so I can read and stuff— dad still won't let me read his book though. He has to go to war or something which is pretty cool— mom doesn't think so because she said he will get his brains blown out— sometimes I wish my brains would blow out.
I started having my own dandruff last week. My mom said it was because inherit ants or something but i know it's because god doesn't like me— ants don't have dandruff anyways. I did some math— i'm pretty good at math by the way— and i still have a few years before i'm trash bin, which is plenty of time to read a book and get my brains blown out.
My dad is dead— the army guy said he probably got his brains blown out but i know it was the dandruff. He had barely anything left above his knees when he left us anyways. My dandruff is a little worse now so i started using glue to put it back on— mom said that's bad for hairs but i think living past 13 will be more important.
I saw my dad again yesterday. His study was unlocked yesterday— i was confused at first but now i realize he never went to the war. He's still in his study— the wind must have spread him out cause the whole room is covered with a thin coat of his leftovers. I went to read his book— but it's all covered with white from his dandruff and i can't read it— or maybe he never wrote it in the book— i'm not very good at people.
I found some inherit ants in dad's study— i think they were eating dad's dandruff— since they don't get any— i tried some and it was pretty good— at least dad is in my belly now instead of trash bin.
This is great! Sort of sad that his dad dies. But still funny.what are inherit ants, and snake spitters. I got confused by when it said his dad went to war, then it said I saw my dad yesterday. Does he mean he saw his spirit or something like that. So the son thinks the Dad died because of his dandruff. Its funny. Keep writing
Hello, Hadj.
This was really funny! My dad has bad dandruff, and although I don't think of it like this children do. I find it to much like a child. Wild thoughts. Anyways, it made me smile since it was really silly. I enjoyed it nonetheless. Even though the ending was really gross, I think I'll recommend it to a few of my YWSers. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keepwriting 
Hey Hadj!
This was phenomenal. I love the surrealism - the whole piece has this pervasive haunting feeling that's really chilling and dark. I love it. You did an amazing job of giving the audience that "not quite right" feeling, while still maintaining some semblance of reality.
Contributing enormously to this "off" feeling were the "sawbits" and "1000 days in a year" bits. Those were just genius. So eerie and so magnificent. Other reviewers have already commented on your use of age progression as well - also very commendable.
I hate to write a "cheerleader" review, so I'll throw in some nitpicks just to balance things out - after all, there's always room for improvement, right?
I noticed there were a lot of instances where you didn't capitalize the pronoun "I". I don't know if this was intentional or not - although, judging by the consistency of it, I'm guessing it was - but it was a little bit bothersome for me either way. It just interrupted the flow of the piece and I kind of tripped over these bits when reading. (That could just be me, though - I'm kind of a grammar freak.) Just something to consider. If it was an intentional stylistic choice, do as you please. I just thought I'd make note of it.
There were also a lot of dashes in this piece - too many, if you ask me. They do give the piece that choppy, fragmented feel that's appropriate for the subject matter and the age(s) of the narrator, but I think there are just way too many. There were also definitely some instances where a comma or semicolon should have been used instead. Again, stylistic choices are yours to make; this is just my opinion as a reader.
Another itty bitty nitpick:
at least dad is in my belly no instead of trash bin.
Hello Hadj !
I dont know in what mood you've written this. May be hilarious or...but in my point of view it's Touchy ..very very touchy . I dont know if my review is helpful but I want to say. I found your poem vey sensitive. Its not dandruff but I think the bond in which a son wants to be with his dad and one day when his dad is not with him . He considered rather feel that he's with him. The lines ..
"-at least dad is in my belly no instead of trash bin."
This particular line shows how much he need and miss his dad.
May be I predicted right or I don't know but its just my perception.
I love your penning and the feelings you carved through words and penned. I am glad . I read it. Keep up the nice penning. Blessings!
hey there!
i thought this one was going to be hilarious -atleast it was at first- but towards the end it started getting sad, and hey i'm sorry about your dad. but ayway this was some good stuff and you made 'dandruff' seem like the worst thing that could ever happen to anybody- which by the way was quite funny.
you said you were pretty good at maths, but did you ever try out something caleed 'science' cause if you did you would know that humans grow as much cells as the lose in a day, so relax, you are gonna live after 13 too *yay*.
anyway it got a bit- actually a lot- tragic towards the end, but you know what i had a smile plastered over my face while reading this, even towards the end, though the smile turned sad.
the only thing i would suggest you change is capitalize the 'I's' that you kept using throughout this work. otherwise it was perfect, and i hope to see more of your works in the future! sorry again for your dad.
Fangirl~
Hi there! Alas, I am here for a review! I have never read anything like this. It's very original. I'm impressed by how well you emulate the personality of a young boy, and as the reviewer said down below, the age progression added a great effect.
I'm just curious, was there a specific deeper meaning behind the dandruff? If it's private, you don't have to say so, but I really loved your use of dandruff as a metaphor for something else. I'm assuming it's a metaphor anyway. The flaky skin and the dad wasting away as a symbol of what his life was, or how the boy began to understand the dad's wasting away and he began to waste away himself. Unless you have a skin disease, or your dad did, in which case I'm very sorry if either are true.
There were a few grammatical/technical blips, like some of the "I"'s and first letters of words (or even randomly dispersed) were lowercase instead of capitalized at the beginning of sentences.
"Anyways i know why he's writing it but I don't want to tell anyone to spoil it because he said he doesn't want anyone to read it anyways." I would add a comma right before "because" here, and also instead of "
"i'm not very good at people." I would add in a word and say "I'm not very good at reading people."
Just little things like that came up...but besides that, this is terrific! A touching, achingly beautiful yet tragic story about dandruff and possibly some other philosophical meaning.
You're a talented writer!!
Happy writing,
Kali L.
Hello there!
To start off, this piece made me smile, but when I neared the end, I actually feel really bad now, I am so sorry. I have had the problem of dandruff for quite some time. It's embarrassing. Anyway, I like how you had an age progression, and more understanding to dandruff. Also what is snake-spitters?I like how you talk about trash bins. And the ending actually made me tear up. The last line especially, brought me to tears. "At least my dad is in my belly no instead of trash bin". That line was especially powerful.
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