Well this is my first thing on this site. This is an idea I have had for a bit, and have played with numerous time. I am frusterated with it all to be honest, but here is the prelude. Doesn't explain a lot obviously as it is just setting things up for what is to come. But I would love any critiques, oppinions, thoughts... you all know the drill 
Prelude
Run, run, run, faster I must go faster. Left. Right. Duck. Jump. Breathe, don’t forget to breathe. Calm, stay calm!
A white blur flashed through the forest, all four legs pounding the ground as the beast launched itself forward at incredible speeds. Beads of sweat poured down the creature’s neck and back, collecting at the end of its hair before falling like tiny jewels to the forest floor below. From behind the moving creature a loud crack echoed through the forest depths, the sound could have been mistaken for a peal of thunder had the sky not been so clear.
Death, death is not the only option. Run, run is the only other choice, I must run. Focus, remember, I cannot forget, I must warn my sisters, they must know!
The animal bounded over a fallen log with a benign grace as it surged forward, trying to move at an even greater speed. Its four hooves tore through the ground beneath as it galloped along. Catching a sudden movement out of the corner of its eye; the beast shifted to the right, and let out a small snort as it barley managed to duck under a branch and dodge a tree that seemed to just pop up in its path. The trees suddenly thinned out and disappeared as it broke free from the forest and into a small meadow that covered about a quarter of a mile before turning into forest once again. Immediately panic began to rise up from within as it viewed the meadow.
No! To open, what should I do? Go back? Go across? It’s coming... closer... closer!
Panicked thoughts echoed in the animals head as it cantered back and forth, darting from the open meadow to the forest and then back again. Another loud boom broke through its thoughts, and this time the sound was followed by the splintering of wood as a large oak tree a little ways off began to fall.
GO!
Before the sound of the falling tree hitting the ground could even be heard the animal was off again. Its speed was more of urgency then anything else now as it plowed through the meadow and towards the forest on the other side. The opposite tree line was almost like a finish goal, it felt that if it could just make it there, if it could just retreat into the depths beyond then it would be safe. It would be free, and out of harms way.
Freedom, if I can just make it past those tree I will be free. Warn, I can warn the others, tell them of this-
It wasn’t even able to finish its thoughts as a loud explosion tore through the air. Chunks of rock and dirt were launched into the sky as a fiery detonation consumed the meadow. Heat and smoke were suddenly everywhere as crimson flames began to spread along the grass like long groping fingers. Everything they touched turned to ash as the flames continued to spread, continued to consume.
Pain. Heat. Why, why did it come to this?
The white stag slowly opened its eyes, trying to focus them as it shakily stood to its feet. The meadow was burning. It was surrounded by flames dozens of feet high. They formed an impenetrable wall of fire, a barrier which would be impossible to cross. The beast, coming to this revelation, turned to view the forest beyond. Its eyes were no longer wide in panic. Instead they were narrow slits as it stared coldly at the opposing tree line, waiting for whatever was chasing it to be revealed.
Fight, kill. Die, if necessary.
The stag’s calculating glare didn’t waver as the animal slowly rose up onto its hind legs. Kicking off from the ground it stood as a chorus of loud popping sounds rang from its back legs. The joints began to bend forward, twisting and moving, allowing the beast to stand upright. Then it clapped its two front hooves together as a hoarse voice echoed from its throat, “Daughter of Eden, Daughter of Na’hera, be birthed!” The gravelly chant seemed to hang in the air for a brief moment, each word dripping with power and authority. The flames even wavered for a brief instant as the air began to buzz with power and energy.
Suddenly the stag’s fur began to swell and move. Like a pond when disturbed, little ripples began to flow over its flesh. Parts of the animal began to ungulate and swell, contorting as numerous loud pops echoed from its bones. The stag’s eyes were wide with obvious pain, but it did not make a sound. As the seconds passed the stag grew even more contorted and deformed as its body folded in on itself and it began to shrink. Soon it looked like a mass of flesh and hair then anything else. Almost a minute later the process began to slow, a human looking hand reached out of the writhing pile of bones and skin, and soon another one followed. The white fur began to fade; some of it fell off while the rest seemed to be absorbed into the dark skin that was appearing. Two feet appeared next, they slowly began to extend and wriggle free of the mass. As the second minute drew to an end the white stag was gone, replaced with a young human girl.
Her skin was like bronze, smooth and dark and her head was crowned with a thick curly mass of sandy brown hair. Her hair was covered in tiny jewels of all sizes. The biggest ones were as large as a finger nail, while the smallest ones looked like small sparkles dotted throughout her hair. Two piercing obsidian eyes glowed from her face; their unwavering gaze was focused on the forest. She was naked beside a small cloth that hung from her shoulders, covering most of her lithe body. “Come out!” she suddenly called.
No voice answered, but the air suddenly grew warmer, and the flames all around began to dance and increase in size. The girl’s hands were clenched by her side and she slowly relaxed them. Kneeling down she pressed the palms of her hands against the ground and began to murmur and incant, her eyes never leaving the forest. A soft green glow began to swirl up around her finger tips, spreading down towards her hands and up her arms. Then with a scream of rage she pushed off from the ground and launched herself forward.
Death…
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there Ha6647, and welcome to YWS.
This sentence isn't very clear since it's overwritten. Do we need to know exactly where the loud crack came from specifically and what it sounds like? The point of this sentence is to inform to the audience that a a loud crack has occurred, period.
Your word choice here contradicts with what's happening at the moment. Benign grace? For a beast that's moving rather rapidly? It doesn't really work since when something is benign, it's actually quite gentle.
Catching a sudden movement from the corner of its eye.
And why would a tree pop up out of the path? You mean the tree is in the way of the beast.
Put a "the" after the second "forest". Also, read over this bit again. The beast had just entered the meadow and turned back to the forest, but then you say that it was panicking for viewing the meadow? It sounds like as though time had went back and he was looking at the meadow again. Why not show us that emotion when he was at the meadow then turned back for the forest? Also, panic began to rise up from within? That's just cliche. Why not show what the beast was doing to hint to us that he was panicking? And one more thing, why was it panicking when it saw the meadow?
If you have shown us that he was panicking in the first place, then you do not need that adjective in front of "thoughts". In fact, why do you even need to say that "panicked thoughts echoed in the animals head" at all? The next sentence feels kind of repetitive, as you are having him do the same thing again.
"Broke through" doesn't sound right. Thoughts can get interrupted, not broke through given the context of the clause. Omit "and this time the sound". Economize on words to ensure your expression is fluent and clear.
Omit this as this is just redundant. Do we really need to know the precise moment that an action took place? You would had been better off integrating the idea that the animal was cut off once more in the previous sentence.
Don't tell us that its speed is due to urgency. Show us that. E.g: How was it running? And you've already repeated an idea already. If we had learnt that he was panicking earlier, then is it not obvious that its urgent to seek a safe spot?
I say this with quite a lot of writers on the site. Keep similes in context with your story and what's happening. That's the reason why your simile "like a finish goal" is so clumsily used. This is a chase sequence that means life or death, not some sort of race.
Why...? Why repeat the idea that the beast's thoughts were interrupted by sounds in the environment?
Kind of obvious don't you think?
We know that it's burning...why repeat the idea again?
This change in emotion is abrupt, making it seem unrealistic and forced.
Nix "calculating".
Overall impressions:
I think you have a solid idea, but your execution needs work. You tend to repeat an idea or description throughout the piece. It gets quite tedious to read and makes it seem more like a chore. As you are writing, you should check back to previous sentences to ensure that you do not repeat yourself. You also tend to overwrite your sentences at times. You use more words than needed and it really muddles up your expression. I can't really help you with this issue as this is something that you will learn as you gain more experience in creative writing. But at least try to keep your sentences simple and clean. With that said, check your last four paragraphs. I think you describe the transformation a bit too excessively which was the reason why I only skimmed those parts. Don't over-describe as it does little to move the narrative forward.
Some of your ideas need some explaining (e.g: Why did the beast panicked when she saw the meadow?) Be a bit more specific with these sort of details. I know that you are setting up for your story here, but that doesn't mean that you can have no explanation in it whatsoever. If statements are not justified, then why should I continue to read on?
Anyways, good luck with this.
Andy.
P.S: I didn't like your italics either because it's just too blatant and "tells" more than "shows".
Ah, that's an interesting point actually. I'm not sure what the official stance is on that, but I think its okay. I've read books in which there were a variety of first person perspectives. Each chapter was headed with the name of the character whose perspective we were seeing through.
So, you can definitely try it.
I don't know. It was well written, I think and there's nothing wrong with it on the whole, just those little things I mentioned should be covered. I'm doing the same thing with my own novel - thinking of rewriting in first person, just because I think it will flow better. It's going to be a massive undertaking through, ha. You could certainly try it. I'd look over it if you life.
And while I understood the motive behind the repetition - it didn't work for the most part. It was just distracting.
And its perfectly understandable, I should mention, to have a prelude that means nothing to us, but the purpose of which will be revealed later. It's almost a convention in itself within Fantasy. Actually, maybe you should avoid it after all, haha.
Cheers
It's rather funny how you mirrored some of my own thoughts. Thanks though, the critique really helped.
I agree about the repetition. My original idea was to show how she - the stag - was having trouble holding onto a single thought. The point was to be that her animal mind was easily distracted and couldn't comprehend a thing for long thus the repetion of her trying to ponder and actually finish a thought without forgeting it. Which obviously didn't work.
"Then" is so over used... shoot me now, I will try to fix it.
The stags girls turn to fight was a last ditch effort in a way. I have toyed with writing this in first person a bit to show more of what was going. Not sure totally sure, though i have started the first person rewrite thing. Would you be willing to read it? Its about the same length as above. Don't feel obligated but I would welcome a critique on it. Also I wasn't sure how acceptable it is to write a prelude in first person, when the character - ie the stag girl - will not be the main character of your story...
Anyway thanks for all your tips and such, they are a great help!
Hola!
I'll say from the outset that I didn't like the italicised parts. Mostly, I think its a great technique, but mostly misused here. The repetition gets really annoying.
The repetition gets real old, real quick. Simplify.
Might just be, but I read this as though the creature were running through the tree tops, or was somehow in mid-air. That's because of the word 'below' I believe. Nix it.
Either separate this into two sentences or join them with a semi-colon. Comma doesn't really work here.
Okay, so all the comma's are ruining the effects. Note the fashion in which I've edited, nixing repetitive words, and using periods and exclamation marks to make the short, sharp sentences stronger and with more effect.
benign? That word is...medical. It feels out of place. I suggest replacing it with something like 'supple'
barely
believe it or not, we actually know what a meadow is. You describe it as 'small' which is fine, but then tell us its exact length. Redundant.
'Too open' - you have to be careful not to overdo it; it can easily come across as cheesy. Nix the first ellipse and the second repetition of 'closer'. As seen above
*sigh* please don't use 'then' - it is a useless word and its just horrible in action pieces.
.
This was awkwardly phrased. And despite the suggested revision above, I don't think its even possible for that to happen. Technically, the creature must break the sound barrier to leave before hearing a sound and I don't think its running that fast.
Semi-colon or periods in place of one or more of the commas. Most of the clauses you separate with commas are independent and can stand-alone as sentences in their own right.
'Then'!! Ugh.
**
Okay, that took much longer than anticipated, ha. But in any case! You have an intriguing beginning but I have to wonder, why all the running and the terror if the stag-girl had so much power to begin with? Is it reversible? Is there some risk behind it that made it a last-ditch recourse? If it is, you should mention it.
It was well-written but you should beware over-doing it - both in tone, content and certain techniques - like the italicised thoughts. Keep that in mind. Keep it simple.
Nice work.