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Roaring Flames, Heathen Night

by HJYoung


Roaring Flames, Heathen Night

The sound of flickering flames

As they lick against the night

Casting shadows along names

Extending beyond my sight

-

Long ago, it had just begun

This unquenchable flame of mine

Brighter and hotter than the sun

Back then, the gods still numbered nine

-

These blades of gray mark my path

The lonely sun wane and wax

I shall cut a bloody swath

For fallen gods all coax

-

Crimson rain falls amidst carnage

A hundred, a thousand petals

History ends with this homage

Soft ring of fists against metals

-

The darkness consumes all

The world descends this low

For I must heed this call

So I reap what I sow.

-

And so I attend.

For this is the End.


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174 Reviews


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Reviews: 174

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Wed Sep 28, 2022 4:35 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew here for a Harsh Review!
I always have to put this disclaimer on harsh reviews of poetry. I'm like really suck at poetry. I can't write it, and all poetry I read was written before 1800 so take this all with a massive grain of salt. But with that, let's dive in!
First Impressions
Upon first reading the poem, I like it, though I do not entirely understand it XD. It feels like a prophecy in a book or some poem taken out of another world's religious texts. Upon first look structure isn't something extraordinary, just five four-line abab stanzas ending in a 2 line aa stanza, but as I looked at it closer, I felt there was more of a rhythm there. All the lines in the first stanza (except one) have 7 syllables, in the second stanza, all the lines are seven. The third they are all seven, and the fourth they are all eight, and the fifth they are all six, and the last they are both five.
Which, is umm, impressive.
The way the syllables flow up from seven to eight, and then down to five gives a natural kinda arc feeling to the poem, starting high, going higher, and then ending in the quick and shot idea of death.
things I liked
Honestly, the first two paraphs are my favorite part of the poem. The lines "The sound of flickering flames/As they lick against the night" and "This unquenchable flame of mine/Brighter and hotter than the sun/Back then, the gods still numbered nine" Really trigger a feeling of magic in ancient darkness in me. I really like it.
Things I didn’t
There a couple rhymes I think to fall flat, like "I shall cut a bloody swath/These blades of gray mark my path" doesn't work very well... path and swath not rhyming if pronounced normally... unless your British, then they actually do rhyme, and if so, go for it.

For fallen gods leave none lax

The term lax used here doesn't fit the style of the rest of the poem. I understand you need it for the wax rhyme, but lax feels too... technical or modern, not ancient and mystical enough to fit the rest of the poem.
But my biggest critique is umm, I don't really know what the point it. Like, it feels very magical, and I'm I like the little introduction, and there's a lot of cool imagery, but I can't really see what its for. Like, if its in a wider story/world for like a piece of fiction, or if the art piece is that its supposed to feel like its from another world, its really cool, but I feel like I need more context.
Like these nine gods, who are they?
I would say, maybe it's about like, umm, war? And like, the poem is being written from the perspective of like war or violence itself? Like a personification of that human conquest for power. Lines like
I shall cut a bloody swath

So I reap what I sow.

-

And so I attend.

For this is the End.

This unquenchable flame of mine

Seem to suggest that idea, but then lines like the ones about the gods and grey blades just confuse me.
I think especially the last three stanzas just seem kinda confused
Crimson rain falls amidst carnage

A hundred, a thousand petals

History ends with this homage

Soft ring of fists against metals

-

The darkness consumes all

The world descends this low

For I must heed this call

So I reap what I sow.

-

And so I attend.

For this is the End.

It almost feels like they're just using rhymes and imagery for their own sake, and not to an end goal. All the best poetry I'm reading it saying something, sometimes its baried in layers of symbolism and metaphor, but every line is always progressing the thing its trying to say. Some lines in this poem seem unsure of what there trying to say. Maybe that's because I'm stupid, but just know, that does mean that stupid people can't understand your poem as it is. And I've now read it like eight times XD, and it normally doesn't take me that many reads to understand even Spenser or Shakspeare Sonnets.
Overall
Overall, I did like the poem. The imagery was fun, and the structure pretty, but I think that if you added a bit more meaning (or obvious meaning), I think it might be more memorable.
But that's just my two cents, I hope it helped!
Thanks, and keep writing!
Andrew




HJYoung says...


Thanks so much!
Yeah I didn%u2019t have the most distinct meaning in mind when I wrote this. I%u2019ll change the lax part, thanks. Fixed one of the lines in the first stanza having 8 syllables.



HJYoung says...


I don%u2019t know much about poetry terminology or stanza structure since I%u2019m a self-taught writer, so bear with me lol



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Wed Sep 28, 2022 3:20 pm
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LizzyDear wrote a review...



I love this! This piece gives me such an eerie, dark vibe that I like. I enjoy the usage of strong words you don’t necessarily see in writing often such as ‘unquenchable’ and ‘crimson’. I can see that there is a heavy underlying message implied with the poem, although I’m incredibly awful at analyzing poems so I apologize! But! I’d love to know the story behind this, whether this is for another piece of writing or this was written straight from your own feelings. I genuinely enjoy this, it just gives off this vibe and this image that I enjoy in a way. Especially with the way you describe things like rain being crimson, or even flames ‘licking against the night’. It’s just very beautiful written.




HJYoung says...


I just wrote it in a fit of poetry-related insight



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Wed Sep 28, 2022 12:07 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I liked how you wrote this poem. It feels like the introduction to an epic fantasy series and I really enjoy reading fantasies. You can feel the determination in this character to fight the darkness that has consumed their Earth.

One thing that I will say, though, is that I wish you wrote about the cries heard in the battlefield, as I assume this is where the character is. Then, we could see for ourselves the carnage that has fallen on this character’s kingdom. We could feel and understand the character’s determination and pain even more.

Other than that, this was a very cool poem to start off the epic adventures of this hero/heroine. Keep it up!

I hope that you will have a great day/night.




HJYoung says...


Thanks! I%u2019ll add that.




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