A Proverb Of Mankind
Mankind-
a being of both good and evil unbind,
capable of extraordinary acts of mind,
and of terrible cruelty in kind.
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Tormented by our terrible past,
populated by a colorful cast,
and with many rules we shall recast,
with powers oh-so-very vast.
---
As for our prospects in the stars,
from Proxima Centauri to Mars,
Some believe we can reach the stars,
And some think we can harness quasars.
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As we barrel towards a unknown ‘morrow,
it may be our final sorrow,
but mankind will always go the path which is most narrow,
and reach for the proverbial bow and arrow.
---
Whether we shall succeed or fail, nobody knows.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello HJ Young! I wonder if you remember me from reviewing your poem, Of Mankind. I loved that previous poem and was deeply impressed by it. I'm in awe of this one as well.
Love the astronomical reference.POSITIVES:
Like I stated previously, you have impeccable vocabulary. I saw you utilize words that most thirteen-year-olds would not know. Wonderful job on that manner! Your poem starts off very strong. The first stanza placed a set theme and established the mood immediately. Congrats on that!
Your rhyming is well thought out. Oftentimes when I see poems that rhyme, unless it was a more stylistic approach that made sense, most writers on this forum started out rhyming then abandoned it. Thank you for keeping the AAAA rhyme scheme consistent. That's hard to do. There's a reason why I don't rhyme my poetry.
Rhythm wise, your poem mostly is consistent. I can see you really thought this poem out subconsciously at least, or you just have a knack for editing. Everything here in this poem makes sense. I really don't find anything unnecessary. Your word choices, rhyming, and rhythm give this poem a very harmonious aspect that all work together to form a collective idea. Everything here sets the mood and theme.
I love poems and writing in general that make us think. Like your previous work, this one gives a lot of philosophical aspects and encourages us to think of what we humans are as a species.
My favorite lines were
and
CRITIQUES:
I really don't have much to say other than a few minor things.
Grammar wise, I think some punctuation might do this poem some good. I see poets, including myself, choose to forgo punctuation as a more stylistic approach and add more depth. Here, I think some commas and periods might add emphasis to some points, and perhaps, allow the flow to move even more smoother.
Like @Phillauthet mentioned, you start off using mankind, then use the word "him". A plural pronoun could be something to look into.
There are times that the poem does go off beat, however.
Here for example
It doesn't seem to flow as well as the other stanzas. Maybe changing extraordinary or rearranging some words or experimenting might help you find an even better way to state the ideas.
I'm probably just being picky here, but it's just a huge pet peeve of mine when all lines are capitalized. Lines that are part of the same sentence shouldn't be capitalized. Auto cap is the bane of all poets. Most of the time we don't even notice it.
Overall, you, like I state previously, are very very talented. Most of your quirks will better with time. If your poetry is this refined at a young age, and you're already this mature, you're on the right track. With time, experience, and a little formal mentor ship, I can see you having a professional career. You remind me of myself so much, it's almost scary.
I can not wait to see how you evolve as a writer and a poetic artist. You have a gift, and don't let anyone tell you different. Remember to listen to critiques but stay true to who you are as a writer, and don't be afraid to change.
Keep on writing! I look forward to reading more from you.
PS: I hope you remember me and maybe check out some of my stuff I recently posted.
Thanks for the praise! Fixed the capitals, punctuation, but I think the off beat might not be off beat-It just feels right. Sadly, I am very busy recently and might not get time to review some of your poems-I will try my best to do so however. Have a great day!
I really liked this poem. Your vocabulary is great, it enables you to express yourself perfectly while going with the rhyme scheme.
I especially like the last line, where you say 'Whether he shall succeed or fail, not even God knows.'
I agree with LizzyTyler when she says that the best poems are written in 5-10 minutes. In my case, during the gap between classes, or during the travel to or from school (which of course, is nonexistent now).
I just wanted to tell one thing...
At the start and the end, you say 'mankind', which is a common, or collective noun. Later you go on to express it as 'him'. You might think of adding a plural noun there.
Overall, this poem is really good.
ty!
the him is purposeful. I speak of the collective Man.
Hi!
). I personally liked how all the lines rhymed with each other. It usually is hard to do that, and seems a little forced, but yours was natural.
I liked this poem, so I’m going to review it!
First, some of the best poems are written in 5-10 minutes (or in the shower in my case
My favorite part was the lines:
Capable of extraordinary acts of mind
And of terrible cruelty in kind
This is so true. The way you put this with no sugar-coating was the best part in my opinion.
This is a great poem, and I hope to see more of your work around.
Have fun writing!
-Lizzy
ty