A/N - Okay. This will be a confusing first entry; it's not what you think! Believe me! All will be revealed in my next few installments! The title is from the Bob Dylan song, "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright".
Please note I had a little trouble with keeping the tense in this one, since it was 'she had done...' rather than 'she did...'. A little bit more frustrating to keep with it. Anyway, feel free to rip it apart, since I'm not quite happy with it yet, and can't pinpoint what it is, so all critique it welcomed with open arms!
Thank you 
Word:Picture
038 : 05
They had been waiting for her when she got home. Had sat there, mocking her, two tongues peeked out as they informed her of his absence. She had felt dizzy, grabbed hold of the banister in fear of fainting. Each word they hissed sent a wave of nausea that flooded through her body, a cascade of tears fell down her face.
Stop, she had told them, please, stop.
She had found herself begging, but their taunting didn't cease. Her knees gave way and she slumped against the bottom step, but even then, they did not stop.
She had covered her face with her hands, breathing speed up. Her lungs stopped inflating, no matter how much she attempted to inhale. Her throat had closed up. The panic had started in her stomach, before having taken over, her whole body numb. She had only been aware of somebody screaming faintly, somewhere in the distance. She thought her head was to explode from the pain, her whole body shaking with each sob.
STOP.
She tried to form the words, to tell them desperately that she needed them to stop the incessant tormenting, but her throat was too dry, her tongue like sandpaper in her mouth, sticking to the roof of her mouth.
It was her fault. She had known it all along, their cruel whispers that cut through even that dreadful scream only confirming the fact. Everyone else – they had told her it wasn't, that there was nothing she could have done to stop it. They were liars.
I'm so sorry...
It had been the only thought to surface in her mind since they had begun baiting her, her mouth snapping shut at the same moment the screaming stopped. Her breathing started to steady, and her throat had let some air pass through it, her chest had inflated with each inhalation. She dropped her hands, looked up at them. They sat, sneering, but silent at last. She closed her eyes with a relieved sigh, and picked them up by the laces.
They may have been his sneakers, but he wasn't coming back for them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Wow, I can't wait to read more of this and find out more about the owner of those pair of sneakers! I've never read anything quite like that, and I'm glad you clarified in the last sentence of what was mocking the MC. This first chapter really hooked me in - I can't find anything wrong with it.
Hi HC. Sorry it took me so long to do this--I haven't checked my Will Review for Food post in a while, for some reason.
There were no grammar errors, as far as I can see, and I can't do that character-plot thing because we don't know all that much about the main character so I'm just going to tell you what I think of this.
As much as I like stories like this, it confused me. I know you said that already and I think I'm starting to get it but the next parts will be a lot of help.
Problem with the tenses, as you said before. I have the same problem but whatever tense it's suppossed to be in, you have to kind of set your mind fram to. When I'm writing a story, I always tell myself "Alright, it's going to be in past tense. Not present tense, past tense." and vice-versa, over and over again. You may want to try something like that for this story.
Just so you'll know when you switched to present tense:
(Try her breathing speed up. instead)
(Try before having taken over,)
Those were the only suggestions I could think of; I'm sorry I couldn't think of more.
I'm guessing the sneakers are underlined as emphasis? If they aren't, then why are they underlined?
Other than being confused from it, I actually liked it. I like stories that have characters who have things that talk to them, for some reason.
I hope I helped some. I'm going to review the other parts and I'm sorry I didn't get to this sooner.
PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter