Chapter 1
Zia
Apprentices
Zia watched the scrawny boy of about thirteen careen around a corner and skid to a halt beside her.
"Am I late?" he panted.
"Good morning to you as well, Athos." she said dryly. "No thankfully you are not late. Where were you? You're never
late."
Athos looked a little ashamed, "I was just wanted to look my best for the Masters." he said blushing. "I'm... I just hope-" he looked down.
"One of them will give me a chance." he finished in a rush.
Zia felt terrible for him, Athos was a good kid and the closest thing she had to a friend. She wished there was something she could do. She wasn't nervous about the upcoming choosing at all. But then again she didn't have to worry; she wasn’t really one of the Kings wards.
It was an interesting story how she ended up here, so far from home. Home.Perhaps home wasn't the right word anymore.The place where she was born then. She was originally from Tarok, a costal kingdom.
That was a long time ago though, how she came to be at the Castle Juniper was simple enough. She'd saved the kingdom of Julan from complete an utter destruction nearly killingherself in the process. Young King Hendrick the ruler of Julan he felt it his duty to take care of her while she healed, and the best way to keep her out of the public eye was as a ward.
The seventeen year old Hendrick promised Zia he would not allow a master to choose her, but
to stay until after the choosing. She could then slip away without any notice and do whatever she liked.
So Zia thought she had nothing to worry about. But of course that was before the Wizardess showed up.
Chapter 2
Magic in the Throne Room
Athos
Athos filed in through the throne room door with the other apprentices, nervously wiping
sweaty palms on his trouser legs. He bowed to the King then to his place to the right of the dais across from the Masters. He swallowed and tried to look taller than he was.
He hoped that Master Gerald the Bowman would take him on, but that was unlikely especially
with Moran to contend with. Moran who was a year older had muscles like steal
and a good grip. More likely Mastress Tog the Scribe would take him- if she
didn't choose Elizabet.
Oh who was he kidding? No one was going to pick the smallest, clumsiest, youngest kid. He
would be left until the last and be sent off to some farmers’ fields, unfit for anything else. He broke into a fresh sweat and looked panicking up at his friend Zia.
Zia.
The girl who against all odds was his friend. The one who protected him with her an acid tongue. The mysterious girl from Tarok who was three years older and yet talked to him like
an equal. While the other wards were mean to her too she never defended herself, but the slightest jibe at Athos was taken as a personal insult. So calm and quiet most of the time but if someone irritated her enough, was vicious in rebound.
Why the blazes she did it was beyond him, but Athos saw her as beautiful avenging angel of sorts. Before she showed up the others were absolutely merciless to him. Now when they would start to aim some cruel comment at him, they would find Zia's steady and piercing gaze, unblinkingly fixed on them. Daring them to say it. Most often the offender would shut their mouth and quickly drop their eyes.
No one wanted Zia beating their pride black and blue. Her insults were sharper than a diamond
edged sword. If someone made a jibe about her the same gaze would stare at them steadily until they finished. Then she'd go straight back to whatever she was doing, and never say a word.
She only got angry at a personal insult once: Boris who was the biggest, oldest, and cruelest of the boys said Zia's father was a liar and a thief just like his reject daughter. Everyone froze, spoons in mid-air. Athos wanted to tackle the brute himself.
Zia's face was completely white. Slowly she got to her feet.
"I hope you didn't mean that." she said quietly.
Boris the Brainless answered, "Well listen up Tarok, because I did."
"Do you care to repeat it?" she asked her voice cold and deceptively calm.
"Sure, your fath-" something flashed past his head and buried itself into the wall by his ear.
Boris turned to stare at the knife embedded three inches into the wall, then back at her. Zia picked up another knife twirling it expertly.
"Yes?" she said flicking yet another small knife out of her sleeve.
"I, uh.... mean..." he swallowed.
The smaller knife landed less than an inch from his fingers. He stared at its quivering handle mouth open in shock.
He looked up into Zia's icy gaze. "Never mind." he gulped. She nodded and sat back down resuming her soup, like nothing ever happened.
No one ever said a word about Zia's family again.
Zia looked down at him, one of her rare smiles suddenly softening the sharp, dark, hawk like features. She really was beautiful when she smiled. Her dark brown and gold flecked eyes
sparkled like fox who was about to play a trick and she winked at Athos. He immediately
felt better.
And then the choosing began.
Boris was immediately chosen my Master Kurk the Weapons master, which was no surprise. Then Jan (Jan was fairly nice but a bit silly) was chosen by Mastress Kathrine the head Lady
in Waiting. So on down the line they went oldest to youngest. Well, mostly oldest to youngest. Zia was right before Athos. She should have been right after Boris, but either she didn't
know or she didn't care. Or maybe she just didn't want to stand next to Boris.
So on down the line it went until it came to Zia. Not one of the Masters said anything. Athos held his breath for a long moment, why was no one stepping up? Zia was really smart and
a hard worker. Then panic seized him again, if they weren’t picking Zia what chance did he have? Master Gerald and Masteress Tog had already chosen apprentices! True they could have more than one apprentice, but that didn't mean any one would take him. Athos looked wildly at Zia again.
Zia was studying the silent Masters without a trace of, well, of anything at all actually. Suddenly she exhaled with, was that relief? She bowed to the king giving him an almost imperceptible
nod, then nodded to the Masters and stepped back.
"Athos step forward." came the king's voice.
Athos jumped startled and stuttered out, "Yes sir, Your Majesty, Sir."
Laughter rippled through the throne room making Athos's face turn beet red and look at his
shoes. It was quickly silenced by a stern look from Hendrick, and probably Zia too. Zia could leave a person gnawing their nails and jumping at shadows with the killer looks she gave.
There was a silence that seemed to last an eternity and Athos felt his heart plummet. No one wanted him! He was stuck waiting until next year. Again.
King Hendrick looked at him pityingly but started to say the all too familiar words.
"The Choosing is-" the double doors burst open and a tall woman of about thirty dressed in
a billowy, black, and almost stylish robe strode in. Her hair was long and extremely thick, pulled back with gold bands into a sort of braided cord; which draped itself over her shoulder and hung down to her waist. It was a dark auburn red-brown coppery color which complemented her flashing cat green eyes, and fair skin. She was stunningly beautiful in a bizarre way.
The king was on his feet, hand on his sword hilt as was every guard in the room.
The woman stopped and performed a flawless deep curtsy, "Your Royal Highness."
"What are you doing here Electra?" king Hendrick asked sternly.
The woman Electra gave him a dangerous smile. "I came to see my dear monarch of course. What ever happened courtesy fora lady?"
"You became a Mage." Hendrick answered bluntly. "Why are you really here?" he asked.
Electra sighed "Business, business, business. You used to be a cute little kid you know. But if we must talk business first, fine. I came to claim an apprentice, as is my right as the Royal Wizard of Juniper. And you kept one back for me I see. Come here young man, and let me see-"
"No."
"Excuse me?" Electra looked up at the King her tone quiet and suddenly, dangerous. The silly
bounce was gone, replaced by silky, slyness, and sudden power. Athos could feel it prickling his along his skin like a shiver you couldn't shake off. Behind him Zia made a strangled noise.
"It is my right." she started walking forward "And I have come to claim it." her voice rose, "And claim it I shall."
King Hendrick snapped his fingers and the guards rushed towards her. The first two were blasted with bolts of blue energy, leaving them wheezing on the floor. She waved a hand dismissively still
striding towards the dais and five more collapsed unconscious. Then they were upon her getting in between her and Athos slowing her down, but far from stopping her.
The throne room was in chaos everyone running and shouting, when with a loud popping sound Electra made a motion like shoving curtains aside. Her attackers flew backwards shoved away by an invisible force, leaving her three feet away from... Zia?
Athos dazedly realized she was standing between him and the sorceress. Electra lifted her hands as if summoning all her power and focused it on Zia...
~By Gypsianna
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Hey there~
Commas are needed after "No" and "thankfully."
Weird format issue? It must be fixed. >.>
Should be "King's."
Consider revising this so it makes more sense. For example: "It was interesting, how she ended up here, so far away from home."
1. Spaces are needed between the end of a sentence and the beginning of a new one.
1. Killingherself should be two separate words.
2. Consider applying the changes I made to the second sentence so it makes more sense.
You need a comma after "King." Also add in the bolded word, or a synonym of the verb.
Commas, yet again, are needed after "Moran" and "older." Also, I do believe you mean steel, not steal.
Okay, so. Let's begin with the nitpicks. You have a bad habit of either neglecting or abusing commas. So much that if I had pointed out every comma mishap, my review would be incredibly wrong. So I've pointed out a few examples and will leave you with some articles on how to correctly use a comma. Read those, then go through and edit every mistake you can find.
I have to ask: why did you post this in Other when you clearly intend to make this into a story? Either you intend to continue this by the cliffhanger ending or you're just leaving this up to the reader. I suggest you do make this into a story and if you do, I recommend posting the chapters as separate works. Then add more details and such so they don't fall flat, because that first chapter was about half the length of the second.
Now, the attack. It felt rushed and sudden. I feel like you could have furthered it and included more to make it have more of an impact. Obviously Electra is a sorceress or something similar and came to the.. meeting(?) to choose an apprentice. And obviously she must be bad, since the king ordered for her to be attacked. But it went by so fast; couldn't you have included more?
Final nitpick: you've got some weird format issues going, and it's hard to keep a constant flow going whenever there's random sentence breaks. Fix them, so the reader can have an easier time following the story.
Now, for the praise~ I'm liking it so far! I absolutely hate the cliffhanger because there's so much left to be answered, so please continue this! I want to know if Electra came for Zia or Athos or maybe someone else? Is she truly there for an apprentice or is she just a party crasher? And who is she, even? Why does the king despise her so? I must know! Please let me know whenever you continue it.
~~"No thankfully you are not late.~~


There should be a comma after No
~~She'd saved the kingdom of Julan from complete an utter destruction nearly killingherself in the process.~~
And maybe a space between killing and herself
~~He stared at its quivering handle mouth open in shock.~~
It should be ~He stared at it's quivering handle; mouth open in shock.
Overall though I really really like this story and think it has a lot of potential. I'd really like to see where you're going with all this. You hinted at a very rich world in this first installment and introduced characters that have a lot of potential. I give it a thumbs up
Hey,

I guess I better review this as it is pretty good, plus I actually know you so if I don't you could possible give me a glare in person for not. (Though I am sure you would never do such a thing.)
So first off, nice cliff hanger ending of a chapter. Leaves everyone wanting more. Always a good thing.
I did notice you jumped right into the action here. Which isn't a bad thing. I think it can be great to throw your readers right into your story, I do it all the time....but (you knew the 'but' was coming didn't you?) here it feels a little rushed. Almost as though it is a sequel. Like you half expect your readers to be familiar with these character. Take the king for example, he is 17. A very young king but we get no description of how he looks. Is he confident as king? Is he new to the throne? Is he richly dressed? What does the throne room look like? Both the king's dress and the throne room can reflect the state of the kingdom. Is the king richly dressed and the throne room poorly furnished. There we find a king who is keeping up appearances but kingdom is doing poorly due to the war you mentioned earlier.
Every scene you write is an opportunity to drop hints about the characters. To show us, not tell us what they are like. By the way they talk, how they dress, how they walk. That is how readers comes to love characters.
Well that got way longer winded then I meant it to. All that being said. I like your story a lot. I really liked Athos' character as super loyal and the underdog. He and Zia seem like interesting friends and I am dying to see where you go next with this.
Great story!
Keep writing.
-DG
I so glad you liked it! I wrote this a while back when I first got my computer and was just trying jettison a few ideas so I could work on my other stories. I have four more chapters in need of a spelling check, but I didn't post them 'cause I wanted to build suspense... and see if it was worth anything to other people.
They do a lot more explaining about everything.
In the part you mentioned Zia is supposed to be thinking and it's supposed to kind of show she thinks of 'saving the kingdom' in an off-hand manner as if it were no big deal. Kind of show her 'devil may care' outlook, you know? Maybe I should put it in italics or something... do you know what I should do with it? Maybe I should just leave it out...
Anyway, thanks for letting me know it doesn't really go!:)
Oh, and don't worry, there's lots more about the king!
Thanks so much for commenting though! I've never had Facebook, or Pinterest, or Twitter or anything like that so I'm totally new to all this, so please excuse my awkwardness!
PS. I love your profile pic! If you read my posts, you'll know I love the 'Lord of the Rings'!
I really liked this and want to find out more about Zia although I do think it could be improved by more intriguing descriptions for the setting and perhaps the King who, hopefully, I will read more about in future chapters(especially his personal life as royalty always seem to be given a very shallow description in most books).
That was a long time ago though, how she came to be at the Castle Juniper was simple enough. She'd saved the kingdom of Julan from complete an utter destruction nearly killingherself in the process. Young King Hendrick the ruler of Julan he felt it his duty to take care of her while she healed, and the best way to keep her out of the public eye was as a ward.
If I'm being honest here, the bit seems a bit flat and generic. I'm not suggesting you take it out but perhaps change it a little and I actually like the fact Zia has a history. Just give it a more in depth description or if you want I keep some of the mystery just leave out how 'she'd saved the kingdom' until you're ready to go into it in full detail.
This is just an idea and I do love this and am looking forward to more!