Living on the outside
Looking at the door
Waiting for the right time
To walk away from the floor
The whispers of pain echoing inside my heart
The ending of my world's here, this is just the start.
The rainbows are over
The clouds have appeared in my sky
The air is gettin colder
and now all i can ask myself is why?
Theres no where to turn, but into the dark
My feet wont let me run anymore.
And then i open up my eyes
The sun is in the sky
And your face shines down on me
As you say "Everything is gonna be alright"
Im not sure how it sounds...I need ADVICE! Please!!!
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Canary word: Present
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I'd like to point out that we use a 2:1 ratio here; that is, for every piece of work you post, you need to critique two other pieces. Now, onto your poem!
This is a nice concept. I mean...it's a little cliché, quite overdone, and not written in a particularly original way - this needs a little more substance. I like the way it ends, however. The flow of the poem seems a little off in places, so I'd suggest rewording it so that the lines are of more even length. For example:
The rainbows are now over
And clouds are in my sky
The air is getting colder
All i ask myself is why?
As I said, I like the ending, but it does make me ask some questions - who are you talking about, how do they say it? This has potential, it just needs fattening up a bit.