Untitled - Ch.1 Part Two

Hey Andy.
First off, I think you're a little confused here. Cause this is part two of a story I've already started. Thats probably whey you're getting the wrong idea about some things. Here is the link to part one post465020.html?highlight=#465020

I like your description of the rain, but it seems to be dumped there. This is because the sentence that follows talks about something else. Right now, I'm thinking that you could had talked more about the rain. Does the rain have an influence on the narrator's mood? What does the narrator think of the rain?

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I'll try to elaborate on the whole rain thing ^^

Thats why I could never stay mad at Marshy, he new when I needed my space.

See, even you've stated it. So why not show it?

Wuuh?

This can be expanded. Who is Rachel and why does the narrator wants a talk with her? Right now, you've mentioned a name, but haven't given an explanation to the audience as to why she's vital to the story.

Yeep, Rachel was also in part one. So if you read it this will all make sense.

I'm thinking that she should care more about her friendship with Rachel than something as superficial as the neatness of her hair.

Yeah. I know. Well, you probably wont know this since you are not a girl with extremely hard to manage hair (although some boys do flat iron their hair... sadly.) But it takes a big effort in the morning to flat iron ones hair... and generally you don't wanna just step out in the rain and ruin it.
And, Rachel isn't gonna die or anything... so there is no rush in callin her back.

Why is the narrator upset? Explain. And there should be a full-stop after "upset" and the bit "I bit my lip pulling my hood up over my head" should begin as a new sentence. This is because they are independent of each other.

It explains why she is upset in part one.
Okay, I'll fix that right away, tanks.

You do not need "again" as you haven't established the previous times that the cellphone has vibrated. Also, you do not need to use the word "cellphone" again when the narrator flushes it out from her pocket. You can use replace that word with "it" to avoid repetition of words.

I do so need the "again" because it was ringing in the first part as well.


Thanks Andy!

Hey Vivi.

Silver rain slunk icily down the foggy square windows of the bus. Both Marshel and I new that this was not my stop, but he new I was still in an edgy mood, so he didn't bother to bother.

I like your description of the rain, but it seems to be dumped there. This is because the sentence that follows talks about something else. Right now, I'm thinking that you could had talked more about the rain. Does the rain have an influence on the narrator's mood? What does the narrator think of the rain?

Your second sentence is very muddled. Firstly, "new" is supposed to be "knew". Secondly, how did Marshel knew that the narrator is in an edgy mood? What signs are there that shows that she was edgy? Was she sitting by herself in the corner of the bus, staring out the window with her arms crossed? Thirdly, what didn't Marshel need to bother to do? I assume you mean that Maschel didn't want to talk to the narrator.

Thats why I could never stay mad at Marshy, he new when I needed my space.

See, even you've stated it. So why not show it?

Besides, I really wanted to talk to Rachel.

This can be expanded. Who is Rachel and why does the narrator wants a talk with her? Right now, you've mentioned a name, but haven't given an explanation to the audience as to why she's vital to the story.

I still really regretted deciding to get off. I'd taken the time to straighten my hair today, and I was kinda ticked about having to ruin it.

I'm thinking that she should care more about her friendship with Rachel than something as superficial as the neatness of her hair.

It just made me more upset, I bit my lip pulling my hood up over my head.

Why is the narrator upset? Explain. And there should be a full-stop after "upset" and the bit "I bit my lip pulling my hood up over my head" should begin as a new sentence. This is because they are independent of each other.

Feeling m phone vibrating again I pulled my cellphone out of my jeans pocket.

Feeling my phone vibrating, I pulled it out of my jeans pocket.

You do not need "again" as you haven't established the previous times that the cellphone has vibrated. Also, you do not need to use the word "cellphone" again when the narrator flushes it out from her pocket. You can use replace that word with "it" to avoid repetition of words.

Overall impressions:

OK so not much actually happened in this chapter. Judging from this, the narrator seems to be quite emotionally stable and more of an individual. Marshel seems to be the type of person that would try to talk to you using any means possible while Rachel seems to be the nice one. I think that with this piece, you should focus more on the relationships between them. Why was the narrator in an edgy mood? Why did she seemed hesitant in talking to Rachel? Ask yourself why and answer it with your piece.

Can you also talk more about where they were going and what they plan to do? It seems like a meet up or something. Exactly what is this meet up? Why is the narrator going? Why did she take the bus? What were her feelings of going to the meet up?

Keep asking yourself these questions to add more detail to the piece. Also, why mention that it was raining if you aren't going to expand more on it? You are writing in first person so also include what the author thinks of the weather.

Good luck in continuing this Vivi.

Andy.