Published November 1, 2007
I took small cautious steps...My heart thudded like an approaching storm. A solum howl echoed through the trees. I recoiled in fear, but did not stop. I pressed forwards picking up my pace to a brisk trot. The howl echoed onwards and my hair stood on end. I herd fast approaching steps. I almost screamed but thought better of it. I quickly leaped into a bush and knelt there quivering in fear.
Seconds later the soft rumble of paws against the leafy crisp ground could be heard. My teeth chattered as its large black face came into view. It was scruffy and big boned with a set of colorless teeth. I pulled back into the bush and slowly rocked back humming a soft tune in my head.
I heard short sniffs and snorts coming from the trees. I opened my eyes to come face to face with the beast! I screamed in horror as it leaped onto me and pinned me to the ground. I squirmed helplessly under its weight before it leaned down. With a high pitched screech and a snarl of rage...My life was over. And now my body lies motionless on the forest floor...
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140,894 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Thanks! The wolf was evil because I was feeling evil and it was halloween.
Kind of random, but good nonetheless. After all, random is good, right?
Anyways, I noticed a few errors, here they are>>
You wrote:
A solum howl echoed through the trees.
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'solum' is spelt wrong. It should be 'solemn'.
You wrote:
I recoiled in fear, but did not stop. I pressed forwards picking up my pace to a brisk trot. The howl echoed onwards and my hair stood on end. I herd fast approaching steps. I almost screamed but thought better of it. I quickly leaped into a bush and knelt there quivering in fear.
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You started 5 sentences with 'I'. I would suggest using something different...and, 'herd' is correctly spelled 'heard'
You wrote:
Seconds later the soft rumble of paws against the leafy crisp ground could be heard.
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Nothing wrong with this sentence, but I think it sounds kind of awkward because you said leafy before crisp. It might sound better if you switch 'em around.
You wrote:
It was scruffy and big boned with a set of colorless teeth.
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Since you are Canadian, 'colorless' should be 'colourless'
You wrote:
I heard short sniffs and snorts coming from the trees. I opened my eyes to come face to face with the beast! I screamed in horror as it leaped onto me and pinned me to the ground. I squirmed helplessly under its weight before it leaned down.
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Again, I think you used 'I' to start too many sentences...
Overall:
It's not (in my opinion) your best work. It's still good, but...
I think you could have been more descriptive in the last few paragraphs, just to make it more interesting. Like maybe going into more detail about her fear. How did she feel as the wolf approached? (i.e: describe her shortness of breath, the frantic beating of her heart etc)
Also, your choice of words and the story's progression gave me the feel that the wolf was a bloodthirsty killer. Maybe quickly explain why it wanted to kill her? If there was no reason, then it goes against what you have often told me about wolves being nonaggressive towards people- a view that I agree on.
Thanks! And the girl dies not the wolf! XD
What do you mean by the Ellipses? I am sort of confused! (Typical me I am just dumb!)
Awww...
the wolf dies.
It was an interesting piece and I was engaged, but you started a lot- read: too many- sentences with the pronoun "I".
Just as a note, the ellipses right off was a little weird. Ellipses are usually used as a pause in a sentence or when someone trails off while speaking...
It would have read a little easier like this:
I took small cautious steps, my heart thudding like an approaching storm.
All in all, it's a good first sentence: It's engaging because of the impending trouble and the imagery is vivid.
Good job, though. I liked it. Wolves are sweet.