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Young Writers Society



Moonlight Seagull: Chapter Two Cement Sidewalks

by Gwenevire


If you havent read the first chapter :arrow: topic24545.html

And here is the third chapter :arrow: topic24627.html

I stepped through the rusty green doors and into the city. It was gloomy and few people where about. Mounds of snow littered the ground; it had been so close to being a snow day today and all my friends couldn’t get onto the bus. But of coarse my dad could drive me; I had pleaded him to not worry about it.

“Nope. Not a chance. I know you don’t want to go but I am sorry I can’t just let you stay home alone.” He had said flatly.

“I am almost 13! No one else is going to be at school.” I had grumbled before opening the car door and slumping down in the back seat.

God I hate Dads sometimes I shook my head and began to walk. I had no friends to hang with and I had no lunch. Go home sneered a voice Your dad will be angry if you do… another hummed. Shut your face! The first screamed, Do what is best for you Sam don’t listen to those two idiots over there I almost laughed Hey! I herd that! Growled one We are only here to help breathed the other.

I shook my head and picked up my pace. I need to call Marisa. Now! I fumbled around in my pocket for a while before a harsh voice interrupted me, You idiot! You left your cell phone in your locker. How could I have forgotten. Dam! You could just use a pay phone the other said simply. Right. Pay phone… Um. Money? I had just gotten my hops up for nothing. I came to the door of our community center. I opened it and walked in.

The place was empty. The grey cement floor was covered with carpets and slush. I wadded through it and pulled a green chair up to a small brown table in the middle of the room.

There I sat. Lunch-less, money-less, friend-less and hope-less.

Seconds later a bald head peered over the counter in front of me.

“Yo, kid. Didn’t I tell you your banned from here?” He yelled

Oops. I guess I was

“Yah, sorry,” I muttered before walking slowly out of the room. Haha that’s my little devil. Banned from the community center. For? He sneered. Slipping and ripping down there Christmas tree. I thought blandly, Tisk-tisk. she said shamefully, I am sure it was an accident she continued That and throwing my tuna sandwich at the wall. I continued, Nice work Sam! cackled the first, Don’t encourage her! snapped the second. Shut up both of you. Your no help at all I spat.

“Um miss are you going to leave now?” The man said.

I shook my head and noticed that I was still in the community center. “Oh sorry.” I squeaked before pushing through the door and into the cold.

Once outside I walked over to the side of the community center and brushed away the snow before sitting down and leaning back. I closed my eyes and tried to relax.

Of coarse I couldn’t there where a million things whirling through my head and I was sitting on cold cement. Why do I like him? Why can’t I get over him? Why does he flirt with me? I thought rubbing my forehead.

“Whoa… Sam. What are you doing on the sidewalk?”

I looked up squinting; I could just make out the slight thin form of…”Tamika?” I rasped. She was tall and perfect. With bright red dread locks tied up in a bun at the back of her head. She wore a tight black coat and green army pants.

“Yup. Now get up lest get you some food.” She ordered.

I groaned. Tamika was bossy yet loving. We weren’t very good friends but she still cared for everyone. She reached out and motioned for me to grab her hand. I did and she lifted me to my feet. We began to walk towards the pizza place. My legs buckled at first; they had fallen asleep on the sidewalk. Tamika caught me though.

“So what where you doing on the sidewalk, all alone?” She asked once more.

“Long story…” I mumbled. She took the hint and didn’t answer. We walked into the pizza place, a blast of warm good smelling air blew right up my nose. I breathed it in happily and began to walk towards the counter.

“No. You stay here. Sit down.” Tamika said strictly, pushing me down onto the chair in the corner.

“But you don’t know what I like…” I squeaked.

“Yes I do. Vegetarian.” She said simply.

Wow. She had powers or something. I thought before laughing.

I closed my eyes and tried not to think of anything. And surprisingly enough I succeeded. I hadn’t noticed that I had only gotten’ 2 hours of sleep last night. So down I went. Fast a sleep.

I awoke to the sharp proud and yips of Tamika.

“Yo. Sam get up its time to go to gym” She said.

I shook my head and slowly blinked open my eyes. We where still sitting in the pizza place and Tamika was munching slowly on a cheese pizza.

“Wha? Gym!” I almost fell out of my seat. I loved gym, it was my favorite part of the day. I jumped up and began to run towards the door.

“NO! Sam watch out!” I heard Tamika yell. I looked forwards and I saw Griffin. He was walking right in front of me and I was about to run right into him.

BOOM! I did. The last thing I remember hearing is his soothing voice in my ear.


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82 Reviews


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Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:28 am
chayonz wrote a review...



Hey this is really good. its simply, no info dumps, and clear and straight to the point. I love the angel devil voices n her head. Hilarious.

I'm still not sure about what her lifestyle is completely like but i guess if i read more it'll all come to me.

Your character is quite fun. I love it that you let us into her head in such a way. Very unique.

There are only a few grammatical and spelling mistakes that i saw. otherwise its pefect. Keep writing!




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Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:30 am
Gwenevire says...



Thanks Camille.
Your so helpfull! Really! And I am the complete opposite.
I will make my corrections right away! Thanks!




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Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:27 am
Wolf wrote a review...



(I've already read the first chapter)

Instead of correcting all your grammar mistakes, I'll show you a few examples and hopefully you can fix them all. :wink:

Mounds of snow littered the ground, it had been so close to being a snow day today and all my friends couldn’t get onto the bus.


You've put a comma after 'ground' but there should be a semicolon. Hopefully you can find your other comma/semicolon errors by referring to that (I know its a site with real information - see the top bar?) and keep in mind that if the two parts of your sentence don't seem to fit together quite right, then you shouldn't be using a comma. :P

But of coarse my dad could drive me; I had pleaded him to not worry about it.

“Nope. Not a chance. I know you don’t want to go but I am sorry I can’t just let you stay home alone.” He said flatly.

“I am almost 13! No one else is going to be at school.” I grumbled before opening the car door and slumping down in the back seat.


You mix up the tenses here a bit - in the first sentence quoted, you say 'I had pleaded him' then in the second you said 'he said', when in fact it should be 'he had said'.
The same goes for the rest: 'I grumbled' > I had grumbled.

“Oh sorry.” I squeaked before pushing through the door and into the cold.


You put a period after 'sorry' - there shoudl be a comma. :wink:

“Woa… Sam. What are you doing on the sidewalk?”


'Woa' is spelled 'whoa'. Just thought I'd point that out. :)

“Yup. Now get up lest get you some food.” She ordered.

I groaned. Tamika was bossy yet loving. We weren’t very good friends but she still cared for everyone. She reached out and motioned for me to grab her hand. I did and she lifted me to my feet. We began to walk towards the pizza place. My legs buckled at first; they had fallen asleep on the sidewalk. Tamika caught me though.


What does Tamika look like?


Overall, I actuall love this. I can't see it becoming a bestseller but I would definitely read it - I'm anxious to find out what happens to Sam, and that's good. She's a very endearing person - just like you. xD :wink:

You have some nice description, but hardly any metaphors or similes - mostly adjectives. I would like to see more figurative language, but it's really a matter of personal opinion.

I can see this published as a 'tene novel' - you know, a paperback with a couple reviews on the back and an interesting enough cover. I would so read it. :P

Keep it up! Since I'll see you soon, I'll give you more of my opinion then.

Cheers,
Camille




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Sun Jan 13, 2008 11:41 pm
Gwenevire says...



Thanks Kepe. I think I might put the boom in italics as if she is thinking it.
Thanks for all your help. I will have chapter 3 up soon!
I do have the boom in italics. But I think I will keep it thanks! :lol:




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Sun Jan 13, 2008 6:20 pm
Kepe wrote a review...



Once again I like where this story is headed. We got to see a different, more sleepy, side of Sam, and I liked how you ended it with Griffin.

Okay grammar is hard but be careful, especially when the voices are talking. Good grammar can make that tricky section clearer. Specifically this section,

"God I hate Dads sometimes I shook my head and began to walk. I had no friends to hang with and I had no lunch. Go home sneered a voice Your dad will be angry if you do… another hummed. Shut your face! The first screamed, Do what is best for you Sam don’t listen to those two idiots over there I almost laughed Hey! I herd that! Growled one We are only here to help breathed the other."


Spelling: Coarse is an adj to describe 'rough'. I think you wanted a different word.

One last thing. You don't have to do this, just a personal opinion thing. In the last sentence you could take out the boom, it would work just as well, and I think it would sound better. Good luck, I have had fun reading your story.





Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
— Groucho Marx