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Young Writers Society



Moonlight Sea Gull: Chapter 2

by Gwenevire


The morning sun shone through a small frosted window. It cast a perfect rectangle on a small twin sized bed. On this bed under a pile of sheets and blankets lay Saffron. She breathed slowly and seemed to be sound asleep.

A few short seconds later the loud bang of a hand on the door broke the sweet silence.

"Get up honey!" her mother yelled.

Saffron groaned and pulled a pillow over her head. She did not want to get up, and would stay in bed all day if she could. But this was not possible. At least not in this house!

"Get up Saffron! Or else I will send Fred in!" Her mother yelled again.

Fred was their golden retriever. He loved to wake Saffron up in the morning and was probably waiting right outside this very minute.

He was.

A split-second later, her red-painted door burst open and the barking ball of fur bolted through and leapt onto Saffron's bed.

He whined and pushed his wet nose into her face.

"What...Oh... Hey boy" Saffron mumbled sleepily before rubbing her eyes and siting up.

He barked again and licked her face. He stood on all fours and his tail wagged madly.

She yawned and stretched before slowly pulling herself out of bed. She quickly recoiled as the cold morning air chilled her to the bone.

She leapt back into bed and under the covers. Fred barked once more and attacked her face in a fury of licks and nips.

"Okay. Okay... I will get up." She laughed "Just stop attacking me!" She pleaded as he bowled her right back over.

She laughed and ruffled his fur "Okay. Lets go have some breakfast" she smiled before stepping off the bed. Fred jumped down behind her and they walked into the warm kitchen. Her mother greeted her with a warm smile.

"Good morning Saffy." She said.

"Morning mum" She replied before reaching forwards to grab a banana from the fruit bowl that was set in the middle of the table.

"I am going to take Fred out for a walk mum." She yawned and looked up at the clock. It was 10 am.

"Don't I have school?" She questioned.

"No silly! Today is a P.A day" She answered "Don't forget to go to the dentist. Its time for a clean" She smiled.

"Oh yeah... Great. Okay" She said before walking back to her room and closing the door.

She stepped out fully clothed in a red t-shirt with blue jeans and black socks.In her hand was a brown brush and she was trying vigorously to pull her hair into shape. She whistled and reached back to grab her banana. Seconds later Fred came pelting into the hall.

"Bye mum!" She yelled "I will be back in an hour or so."

Then Saffron and Fred skipped down the stairs and into the foyer.

She pulled on a pair of tan coloured boots then reached up and grabbed a hat and a pair of mitts. She pulled those on and grabbed a black sweater and shrugged into its warmth. She opened the door to a white wonderland. She smiled and the two of them ran out. Fred barked and leaped into a snow drift with Saffron right behind him. She threw a snow ball up and he caught it in his jaws. She laughed and ruffled his fur. Then they continued to walk down the street. Not many people were on the streets most where kids. The random car drove by and the birds seemed to be full of joy and song. Saffron was glad to be outside. She could think, the snow cleared her mind and made her feel fresh.

She turned to Fred and said "Should we go get Emily? Maybe she would like to come to the park with us."

Fred barked in approval and they set down the alleyway to her house. But half way there it struck her. What about yesterday? she thought Emily seemed a little weird... Especially since we were in the middle of a game of football.

She shook her head and they turned back. They walked in silence for a few minutes and she thought Emily was never the type that got made at small things like incidents with boys. She is my best friend... How could she. I am so confused... Why Saffron? Whey did that random boy come up to you yesterday? Maybe I should just stay away from my friends for a bit and just take some time to think.

She smiled and broke into a run. Fred was busy sniffing a bush and got a late start. They bolted up the street. The crunch of snow and the click of nails was a repetitive

song. They reached the end of the alley and Saffron slipped and fell into a pile of snow. She laughed as Fred leaped in right after her. They played in the snow for several minutes before collapsing with tiredness. They lay there in silence. The soft crunch of approaching foot steps could be heard and Saffron lifted her head to see Emily.

"Hey Emily" Saffron put on a fake smile. She was still unsure how she felt.

"Hi" Emily replied quickly before picking up her pace.

Her smile shifted to a frown. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back once more.

"Why me?" She whispered. "Why me..."


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441 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 441

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Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:22 pm
Gwenevire says...



Thank you so much Ayra!
I am glad that you are liking it. I appreciate your help and I will change my mistakes right away.

Your little comparison thing is funny!
Well I kinda at first based it on a day at my school. Because similar things happened that day. I had to jazz it up a little bit but I think I got it.
Doesn't everyone have a black sweater? XD
Its a fact all teens love to sleep in!
(I based Fred attacking Saffron on Maude attacking you in the morning)
Well I chose bananas because I hate 'em! XD

I don't know whey I based the dude in the story on my crush. But I guess I was still madly on love with him back then. I am trying to think of a way to make him different but he seems so good this way.

Thanks for all your help!
Please keep on reviewing! :D I am so glad you like it!

Genevieve




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602 Reviews


Points: 1609
Reviews: 602

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Sat Dec 01, 2007 9:30 pm
Wolf wrote a review...



I promised to review this, didn't I? :twisted:
But it's no chore. I've been wanting to read this since you told me you put it up!

Gwenevire wrote:A few short seconds later the loud bang of a hand on the door broke the sweet sweet silence.


I don't think the repeat of 'sweet' is necessary. :?

Gwenevire wrote: At-least not in this house!
"Get up Saffron! Or els I will send Fred in!" Her mother yelled again.


There shouldn't be a hyphen in-between 'At' and 'Least'. Also, there's an 'e' at the end of 'els'.

Fred was there golden retriever. He loved to wake Saffron up in the morning and was probably waiting right outside of her door. Seconds later her red door burst open and the barking ball of fur bolted through the door and leapt onto Saffron's bed.


I think you should re-word this a little bit:
Fred was their golden retriever. He loved to wake Saffron up in the morning and was probably waiting right outside this very minute.
He was.
A split-second later, her red-painted door burst open and the barking ball of fur bolted through and leapt onto Saffron's bed.

Gwenevire wrote:He wined and pushed his wet nose into her face.


'Wined' should be 'whined'.

Gwenevire wrote: Fred barked once more and attacked her face in a furry of licks and nips.


'Furry' only has one R.

Her mother greeted her with a worm smile.


A worm smile! How...strange!
Did you mean to say 'Her mother greeted her with a warm smile'.

Gwenevire wrote:"Oh yeah... Grate. Okay" She said before walking back to her room and closing the door.


'Grate' should be 'Great'. :wink:

Gwenevire wrote:She stepped back out seconds later fully clothed.
She wore a red t-shirt with blue jeans and black socks. She held a brown brush in her left hand and was vigourously trying to pull her hair into shape. She whistled and reached back to grab her banana. Seconds later Fred came pelting into the hall.


That first sentence sounds choppy in comparison to the rest. I would suggest re-wording it something along these lines:
She stepped out fully clothed in a red t-shirt with blue jeans and black socks.In her hand was a brown brush and she was trying vigorously to pull her hair into shape. She whistled and reached back to grab her banana. Seconds later Fred came pelting into the hall.

Gwenevire wrote: Fred bared and leaped into a snow drift with Saffron right behind him.


Did you mean to say 'Fred barked'?

Gwenevire wrote:Not many people where on the streets most where kids. The random care drove by and the birds seemed to be full of joy and song. Saffron was glad to be outside. She could think, the snow cleared her mind and made her feel fresh.


I underlined 'where' because it should be 'were'.
I underlined 'care' because it should be 'car'.
I underlined the part about birds because if it's Winter, there wouldn't be that many. :? You should do some research and find out what city-dwelling birds don't fly south and still sing. I mean, pigeons stay, but they don't exactly sound nice. :wink:
Also, there should be a semi-colon after 'think' instead of a comma. :)

Especially since we where in the middle of a game of football.


'Where' should be 'were'.

Whey Saffron? Whey did that random boy come up to you yesterday?


'Whey' has no E.

The soft crunch of approaching foot steps could be herd and Saffron lifted her head to see Emily.


'Herd' should be 'Heard'.

------------------------------------------------------

I loved this.
Even though it's not as exciting as your usual work, I love it. I can totally relate to the characters and I just love where you're taking this story. :)

Since I have nothing else to do, I might as well do this:
Things in which Saffron is similar to you:
• Has dirty blond hair.
• Has a black sweater.
• Has a dog.
• Likes to sleep in.
• Likes a boy with black hair. :wink:
• Lives with her mom.
Things in which Saffron is similar to me:
• Has a dog
• Has a black sweater
• Likes to sleep in.
• Likes bananas.

So yeah. That was random. :P

But anyways, this was really good. I love the story and I will critique the 3rd bit as soon as I can!
Keep writing,
Ayra :D





Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk