Let It Bleed:Chapter Four

I read the crits this time, smart of me i know, and everyone got what i was gonna say so ill just talk about plot and whatever.

okay, the characters are starting to become more interesting. gwen is showing a little of her tougher side, which is nice because she was playin damsel in distress for awhile. griffin is still kind of flat, just the hero who saved her. the dialogue is intriguing though.

as for the conflict, we have potential conflict but none yet. im not saying that's bad but first shes dramatically throwing herself off a cliff, then they're dramatically running so they are not late to somewhere and now they're running from Foo's! None of that is bad though, its all quite interesting but i think now would be a good time to develop your characters.

good luck!

-Cat

I'm going to have to agree with Azila about your characters. Nobody is actually like that - we can discuss it in greater detail tomorrow, when you come over.

I have printed out chapters two to four and I have fixed the grammar, so I'll give those to you tomorrow. It is distracting, as a reader, to read all these errors. Do you have spell-check? If you do, it would be a good idea to run your chapters through before posting them on YWS.

Anyways. There is a lack of substance - we get little of her thoughts and emotions, just her actions. Fayth was right in his crit for chapter three - you leave emotions in the dust, and there is little character developement. That's okay though, as you said that this is just a rough draft, but... well, Gwenevire and Griffin seem kind of cardboard. I struggle with characterization too - we can talk about that too, if you want.

Yeah. Not much to say, as I;m not going to bother typing t all up because I'll be seeing you tomorrow anyways.

Love ya,
Camille xox

[quote="Gwenevire"]Let It Bleed
Chapter Four
Foos

Small birds chirped, the southing noise of waves, and the cool spray of the ocean pelted the rocks eager to get a taste of land.
I looked up at the bright yellow sun that shone heartily causing me to squint against its brightness. A small fire crackled beside me and Griffin was stirring inside the small den I had dug. I turned away from the sun to great him, “Morning Griffin” I smiled.

“Hey Gwen” He rubbed his eyes, “Why is there a fire?” He questioned. That question sounds awkward change it.

“Just goes to show that the old stick method actually works” I sneered.

One eyebrow rose up and he laughed, “Okay then, lets make some food!” He yawned and rose to his feet stretching.

“Beautiful day, huh” I sung.

“To bad those Foos had to ruin it for us” He remarked before setting himself down beside me.

“I hope you slept well last nigh.” He squeezed my shoulder. Did you mean Night?

I tensed up and forced out a giggle, “Yah, just a bit cramped” Spell out the words correctly it makes you sound awkward if you don't spell them out correstly.

“Good, because I will need your help today” He rotated his giant muscled shoulders.

“No Foo scares me!” I hissed.

“I am glad your confident” He breathed, “Now, do we have anything we can cook?”

“Your asking the wrong person. You’re the one with the food.” I snapped

He smiled and began to search through his leather pouch, “I have a few more slices of meat,” He pulled them out, “but they wont do. How about I go get something.” He declared.

“That sounds good” I nodded, “Just don’t kill yourself” I joked.

He tossed me the meat and dashed towards the forest.

I picked up the small brown slices of dried out cow and almost gagged.

“What the hell” I laughed before tearing into the first hungrily.

I chewed it thoughtfully savoring the satisfaction of food between my teeth.
[i]What I am going to be as helpful.[/i] I took another bit [i]What get hurt? Ha…[/i]
I stuffed the remains of the meat into my mouth and my hand fell onto the dagger shell that I had found yesterday. [i]I could use this.[/i] I picked it up and examined it. It was slim and an unusual shade of pitch black. I turned it over and then without warning I stabbed it into the sand.
[i]I could get by[/i] I smirked and looked around for anything that I could use as a belt.
[i]Oh well, I will find one sooner or later, not that it matters anyways.[/i]

“Hungry yet?” Griffin sneered stepping in front of me. I looked up at his hands expectantly.

“Where is the food?” I asked.

“On its way” He snarled motioning to the two figures approaching us from the trees.

I almost screamed but his hand was already over my mouth, “Now listen to me.” He panted into my ear, “When I say run you start running as fast as you can towards that big rock over there” He motioned in the direction of the rock, “Then get onto it,”

“What about-“

“No questions. Just do it.” He snapped, “Make sure you take the bamboo stick with you” he continued, “I will come after you. When I get up onto the rock you have to hold onto me as tight as you can.” His eyes flicked up to the Foos, “Then hold you breath until I say you can breath lightly through the bamboo.” His eyes where desperate now, “Please don’t let me down” He touched my cheek and then pushed me away.

I stumbled back and began to race towards the bamboo stick. I grabbed it and turned back to look at Griffin. He held his dagger up and began to charge forwards.

“Now!” He screeched

I turned and sprinted towards the rock, I kept on stumbling and tripping in the red sand. It burnt my feet and I kept on resisting the urge to look back.
Once I reached the rock I was panting hard, I looked back and to my horror Griffin was speeding towards me along with the hungry Foos.

They where gaining on him, running on all fours, their large fuzzy bodies almost floated across the sand and their large read eyes glowed like bloodied orbs. I cringed and began to scream encouragements to Griffin.

“Common! Not much farther!” I screeched.

“No… Go, jump and go down…” He panted slowing down.

“Don’t give up!” I yelled almost falling off the rock.

“No!” He replied, “Go!”

[i]Okay mister,[/i] I snarled, [i]I am coming in![/i] I leaped off the rock and pelted towards them at an alarmingly fast speed for myself.
I wasn’t about to throw this boys life away for mine. At least he had some future ahead of him.
I fling into the Foos with my shell gripped tightly in my right hand. I snarled and began to stab viciously at the ugly creatures.
I snarled as one of them lashed at my dress and scrapped my skin.

“Griffin! Help!” I yipped.

He had collapsed.

I situated myself over him, with one hand I continued on stabbing and the other I used to reach down and grab his dagger.
I successfully got it out of his hands and brought myself up to a regular standing position.
The Foos snarled mercilessly, their colorless fangs salivating as they snapped at my arms and legs.
Now handy with two attack weapons I took terns wiping my arms around to stab each of them; who pulled away with a whimper.
They slashed at me a few time as well but this only made me angry.
One took a chunk out of my arm and I screeched taking a step back. They leapt forwards and I brought my daggers forwards…[/quote]

I like your story. Just some problems here and there but they can easily be edited. TTYL SimoncowellLuver

Though there are a lot of little things that could be addressed via nitpicks, I understand that that's not what you're looking for--so I won't give it to you.

Overall impressions:
The plot itself is very original (yay you!) but I'm sad to admit that I can't say the same about the characters. They are fearless and strong, witty and smart, valiant and courageous, selfless--flawless. Real people aren't like that. Work on making them have flaws.

Also, you really need to be more careful with grammar/spelling/punctuation. It's hard (as a reviewer) to get down to the pith of the piece if you're distracted by misspellings.

Needs work, but could be really good.

I'm not trying to be mean, just frank.

~Azila~

This was really good

I loved the interaction between your character and Griffin. It brought things to life.

I noticed a few mistakes in the tense but not many.

Small birds chirped, the southing noise of waves, and the cool spray of the ocean pelted the rocks eager to get a taste of land.

“I hope you slept well last nigh.” He squeezed my shoulder.

I tensed up and forced out a giggle, “Yah, just a bit cramped”

I picked up the small brown slices of dried out cow and almost gagged.

Once I reached the rock I was panting hard, I looked back and to my horror Griffin was speeding towards me along with the hungry Foos.

Okay mister, I snarled, I am coming in! I leaped off the rock and pelted towards them at an alarmingly fast speed for myself.
I wasn’t about to throw this boys life away for mine. At least he had some future ahead of him.
I fling into the Foos with my shell gripped tightly in my right hand. I snarled and began to stab viciously at the ugly creatures.
I snarled as one of them lashed at my dress and scrapped my skin.

Now handy with two attack weapons I took terns wiping my arms around to stab each of them;

They slashed at me a few time as well but this only made me angry.