Thank you all 
Camille I will make the edits right away
Caution: I was mostly asleep when I wrote this, it might be horrible. I am just trying to get a feel of how I can mold my story.
PS.
I am coming up with a better name
The bright morning sun streamed through a grimy square window on the ceiling of a cement room. It cast a shaft of golden light over the delicate bronzed back of a young woman. Her scarlet hair dangled over her smooth, sloping shoulders. Her spine rippled down her crouched form. It lead to a white sheet that lay around her legs and hips. Her head was bent over her knees; her forest green eyes gazed out into the darkness, their perfect irises shifting in the changing light. A long nose sloped downwards to a pair of luscious red lips, twitching slightly like a frightened animal.
The same, grey... unhappy walls. Why am I here, who am I? What am I?
A loud knock erupted from behind her, and her head snapped up abruptly. She slowly twisted her neck around and glared at the iron door that captivated her in the cell. Not the man, not him again, she thought, crumpling inside as memories of pain crowded her mind. He came, every day without fail, to punish her for nothing. Without another warning, the door swung open and smashed against the cold stone wall. The girl jumped but kept her eyes locked on the man before her. She wanted to make a difference this time, wanted to escape his ready fists. This time, she would fight back.
A toothless grin was spread across his wrinkled face; his large hands were clenched into whitening fists. Despite her hatred, fear crept into her like sand trickling through the small fingers of a child.
This did not bother the girl, it only triggered a sense of venom inside of her. She pulled back her lips in a sharp snarl that lightened to a hiss. Her gaze tightened around the man, and darkened with fearless anger.
The man stomps into the room. I come forwards to investigate only to be pushed to the floor and beaten. He thinks it is funny and hits me harder and harder. I scream and cry, but he never stops.
This same man, with this same face...
Those other people, out the glass wall, they where running and laughing. Not cleaning floors and getting wiped. Does this mean if I go out there, I can be like them, happy?
The man sighed and began to walk towards her. She backed away, her hisses growing into threatening growls.
"Now now darling... Don't be frightened. This won't hurt one bit."
His fist came forwards a bit, lifting his fist over her head. The girls eyes widened and she looked up at his hand.
I am forced to the clean the floors; I am tired, so I sit up. The man, he comes towards me, his hands balled into fists, and then...
The girl dodged between the man's legs, and made a beeline towards the door. But he was faster -- he grabbed her by her ankles and began to pull across the floor. She screamed and clawed at the stones beneath, her legs working desperately to wriggle free from his iron grasp. Her heart pounded and the blood pounded her ears, his leathery hands felt like sandpaper against her skin and she knew that she had no chance. The cement scrapped her outer lair of skin, triggering deep pain inside her body. He had her, but something inside of her told her to keep struggling and she did. He nocked lifted her head violently and pushed her up against the wall, the cold stone sent shiver down her bare back, his hot breath smothered her tear splattered face and she could feel the life being sucked out of her lungs, as he leant forwards cupping his hands around her breasts. He squeezed them, gritting his teeth with joy.
The girl screeched and pushed at his hands with hers. Her breasts ached and every muscle in her body was screaming in pain for him to stop. But he only squeezed harder. She couldn't take much more of this; it felt like she was going to burst. Finally, she snapped out with her teeth and sunk them deep into his skin. She felt his grip releasing, but her body trembled with the pain imprinted in her chest; she tore at his hard, bumpy skin. Satisfied, she pulled away and looked down. Her breasts were a deep purple and there was a white hand print on each one and that set her off like a fire. She lifted her face only to be punched her right in the nose. A small yip escaped from her lips before she fell limp in his grasp, unconscious.
The man cracked his large knuckles and grabbed her by the hair. Effortlessly, he threw her over his square shoulder and stomped back out the door, swinging it shut behind him. It creaked in protest before slamming shut.
He clanked down the depressing, dingy hallways. The floors where grey cobbled stone topped with small pebbles and bits of gravel. The walls bore no windows and constant gusts of unusual wind blew around small chunks of ash and embers.
He came through a small walkway to a brightly lit room. Two men where chatting quietly together beside a warm, crackling fire. They stopped and turned to the new man.
"What do you want henchman?" The tallest snapped, crinkling his nose up in disgust. His head was held high and his eyes where almost shut, the shadow of the glowing fire flickered at his neck and cast a dark shadow under his nose.
"The girl, what do you wish me to do with her?" The bulky man asked calmly. His posture held low and his voice sounded meek next to the other man.
"What has she done?" The obvious leader yawned.
"She hasn't been listening to me, and won't do a thing. She even worked up enough courage to bit me," he hissed, "the little bugger."
"Leave her to the forest dwellers, it's none of our business," snorted the other, matching the leaders posture.
The man nodded and went back through the door and down several more stairs.
They reached another door and continued on through.
The grey sky was bruised with dark, heavy clouds; rain spattered the cracked mud below.
The man grunted and tossed the small girl onto the ground, she crumpled into an uncomfortable looking position in the mud.
Her legs were tucked under her bottom and she lay back on her heels. Her arms rested on the ground in front of her head and her long, beautiful hair was muddied and stuck to her face. A thin trickle of blood ran down her cheek and formed a small puddle of crimson beside her.
The man disappeared through the door once more and left the girl alone.
After a few minutes a large white wolf pushed its way through the bushes. It sniffed the air uneasily, its fluffy down pelt blowing in the soft wind. It took weary steps towards the girl, stopping every step to sniff and study her.
After it was quite sure that she would cause it no harm, the wolf trotted up to her. It inspected her from head to toe with its cold, wet nose. Its blue eyes memorized the patterns of her breathing and the pulse of blood running through her veins.
Finally, it snorted with satisfaction and threw back its head. It parted its lips and let a small howl break the silence; the song grew louder and stronger until it rung out over the storm. Its feathered ears where pressed back against its head and its eyes where shut.
Then it all went dead silent...
It's pretty interesting. Again, someone already covered what I wanted to say. >.< Someone like Camille.
Back again.
"What do you want henchman?" The tallest snapped, crinkling his nose up in disgust.
"The girl, what do you wish me to do with her?" The bulky man asked calmly.
"What has she done?" The obvious leader yawned.
"She hasn't been listening to me, and won't do a thing. She even worked up enough courage to bit me." He hissed "The little bugger."
"Leave her to the forest dwellers, its none of our business," snorted the other.
"Now now darling... Don't be frightened.
This won't hurt one bit."
The cement carved through her skin like a knife, triggering deep pain inside her body.
He pushed her up against the wall, cupping his hands around her breasts. He squeezed them, gritting his teeth with joy.
She couldn't take much more of this, it felt like she was going to burst. Finally she snapped out with her teeth and sunk them deep into his skin.
Effortlessly he threw her over his square shoulder and stomped back out the door, swinging it shut behind him, It creaked in protest before slamming shut.
"Leave her to the forest dwellers, its none of our business," snorted the other.
I was forced to clean the floors, I got tired and sat up.
The man, he came towards me, his hands balled into fists and then...
He pushed her up against the wall, cupping his hands around her breasts. He squeezed them, gritting his teeth with joy.
Thanks a tone!
I will fix those right now 
What do you think of it now?
I will PM you about friday
love ya,
Gweny
xox
Sure!
I come forwards to investigate only to be pushed to the floor and beaten.
The girl dodged between the mans legs, and made a beeline towards the door.
But he was faster he grabbed her by her ankles and began to pull across the floor.
The cement carved through her skin like a knife triggering deep pain inside her body.
She felt his grip releasing and her body trembled with the pain that was imprinted in her chest, she tore at his bumpy hard skin satisfied she pulled away and look down, her breasts where a deep purple.
There was a white hand print on each one and this set her off like a fire.
She lifted her face on to be punched her right in the nose.
A small yip escaped from her lips before she fell limp in his grasp unconscious.
The walls bore no windows and constant gusts of unusual wind blew around small chunks of ash and ember.
He came through a small walkway to a brightly lit room.
Two men where chatting quietly together beside a warm crackling fire.
"What do you want henchman?" The tallest snapped, crinkling his nose up in disgust.
"The girl, what do you wish me to do with her?" The bulky man asked calmly.
"Leave her to the forest dwellers, its none of our business," snorted the other.
The man nodded and went back through the door and down several more stairs.
Her legs where tucked under her bottom and she lay back on her heels, her arms rested on the ground above her head and her beautiful long hair was muddied and stuck to her face.
A small trickle of blood ran down her cheek and formed a small puddle of crimson beside her.
Finally it snorted with satisfaction, and threw it head back; it parted its lips and let a small howl break the silence, it grew bigger and stronger and rung out over the storm.
Thanks
I have done a little bit of polishing, it would be great if you could go over it again and give me a heads up on my progress/failure
If you can't thats fine, thanks anyways.
-Gwen
I'm glad it helped.
The example? Sure, you can use it! I don't mind.
And she's naked? *dies* Oh well, I suppose that's alright as long as you don't describe anything. XD
Love you,
Camille xox
Thank you Camille
That really helps me, I understand a bit more about how I can show my character better from the inside.
I will do the Mary-Sue test right away
Um... you know about the little thing your wrote as an example on how I could show her emotions and stuff. Its really good, do you mind if I take some of your ideas and like, change them around a bit *is hopeful*
I will fix all the mistakes you corrected and see if I can work on the grammar a bit.
Love ya,
Gweny
xox
PS.
Yes she is naked... *winks*
lol
Hey ning!
I'm here too late, as usual. But that won't deter me from trying to help you with characterization.
I struggle with it too. It is incredibly difficult, for me, to integrate my character's personality and thoughts into my writing. It's not the actual developement that bothers me -- I have a crystal-clear picture of all my important characters -- it's just giving the reader that image too.
I am going to quote certain passages from your story and suggest where you might want to add some characterization:
A loud knock erupted from behind her, and her head snapped up abruptly. She slowly twisted her neck around and glared at the iron door that captivated her in the cell.
Without another warning the door swung open and smashed against the cold stone wall. The girl jumped but kept her eyes locked on the man before her.
A toothless grin was spread across his wrinkled face, his large hands where clenched into whitening fists.
The bright morning sun streamed through a grimy square window on the ceiling of a cement room.
It cast a shaft of golden light over the delicate bronzed back of a young girl.
Her scarlet hair dangled over her smooth sloping shoulder. Her spine rippled down her crouched form. It lead to a white sheet that lay around her legs and hips.
Her head was bent over her knees, her forest green eyes gazed out into the darkness, their perfect irises shifting in the changing light.
A toothless grin was spread across his wrinkled face, his large hands where clenched into whitening fists.
This did not bother the girl, it only triggered a sense of venom inside of her. She pulled back her lips in a sharp snarl that lightened to a hiss. Her gaze tightened around the man, and darkened with fearless anger.
The man stomped into the room. I came forwards to investigate only to be pushed to the floor and beaten. He thinks it was funny and hit me harder and harder. I screamed and cried, but he never stopped.
This same man, with this same face...
This time I wont let him do that to me, this time I will fight back and do what I please!
She back away, her hisses growing into threatening growls.
"Now now darling... Don't be frightened.
This won't hurt one bit."
His fist came forwards a bit, lifting his fist over her head.
The girls eyes widened and she looked up at his hand.
The girl dodged between the mans legs, and made a B-line towards the door.
But he was faster he grabbed her by her ankles and began to pull across the floor.
She screamed and clawed at the stones beneath, her legs working desperately to wriggle free from his iron grasp.
He pushed her up against the wall, his hands cupped around her breasts, he squeezed them; gritting his teeth with joy.
The girl screeched and pushed at his hands with hers, but he only squeezed harder. Finally she snapped out with her teeth and sunk them deep into his skin.
He yowled and punched her right in the nose.
A small yip escaped from her lips before she fell limp in his grasp.
The man cracked his large knuckles and grabbed her by the hair. Effortlessly he threw her over his square shoulder and stomped back out the door, swinging it shut behind him, It creaked in protest before slamming shut.
He clanked down the depressing, dingy hallways. The floors where grey cobbled stone topped with small pebbles and bits of gravel. The walls bore no windows and constant gusts of unusual wind blew around small chunks of ash and ember.
"What do you want henchman" The tallest snapped, crinkling his nose up in disgust.
"The girl, what do you wish me to do with her?" The bulky man said calmly.
"Leave her to the forest dwellers, its none of our business" snorted the other.
The grey sky was bruised with heavy dark clouds, rain splattered the cracked mud below.
The man grunted and tossed the small girl onto the ground, she crumpled into an uncomfortable looking position in the mud
After a few minutes a large white wolf pushed its way through the bushes.
It sniffed the air uneasily, its feathery pelt blowing in the wind.
It inspected her from head to toe with it cold wet nose.
Its blue eyes memorizing the patterns of her breathing and the pulse of blood running through her veins.
The girl screeched and pushed at his hands with hers, but he only squeezed harder. Finally she snapped out with her teeth and sunk them deep into his skin.
Saint: Thank you so much, I will make the corrections right away. If you need anything reviewed just PM me and I will get around to it (some day :p)
Andy: Thank you so much darling. Your review made me confident in myself. I want to go on, push myself and make it perfect I will go over what you said and edit it.
I would love to talk about character development, as you can see I am really struggling with it.
Yes I do like doors, it must have something to do with the fact that I don't have one! *growls*
What I find hard, is that my character has the IQ of a small child, she may be older than one but she has never left her cell, I am still developing my ideas but I kind of find it hard to express how she feels and what she takes in.
Oh, maybe I could put flashbacks for her feelings. Like this:
This did not bother the girl, it only triggered a sense of venom inside of her. She pulled back her lips back in a sharp snarl that lightened to a hiss. Her gaze tightened around the man, and darkened with fearless anger.
Another human, big, like him. Who is he... why is he here.
He is talking to me. But what is he saying?
I go up to him, but he nocks me back down. Why?
Something like this, flashbacks, that trigger emotions and reactions in her... Do you think that would work?
For showing things. I will expand on that now
So, I have to feel a connection with my character? Do you think if I explored her by being her in the real world, would that work?
Overall, work on character development, work on exploring ideas deeper, show don't tell, and add some variety to your pose. Read a novel, study it and learn as to how authors pose their work to reduce the tedium. If you need help with character development, PM me on chat and we'll discuss it there.
Hey there Gwen. Well you've summoned me to critique your revised edition. Here I am, ready to strike.
Her scarlet hair dangled over her smooth slopping shoulder, her spine rippled down her crouched form, it lead to a white sheet that lay around her legs and hips.
A long nose slopped downwards to a pair of lushes red lips, they twitched slightly like a frightened animal.
This did not bother the girl, it only triggered a sense of venom inside of her.
She pulled back her lips back in a sharp snarl that lightened to a hiss. Her gaze tightened around the man, and darkened with fearless anger.
The man sighed and began to walk towards her, she backed away her hisses growing into threatening growls.
"Don't worry darling, this won't hurt at all."
His fist came forwards and waked her up side the head.
She fell to the ground, unconscious.
Effortlessly he threw her over his square shoulder and stomped back out the door, swinging it shut behind him.
It creaked in protest before slamming shut
He clanked down the depressing, dingy hallways, and circled down several spiraling flights of stairs before coming to another iron door.
Two men where chatting quietly together beside a warm fire, they stopped at turned to the new man.
"What do you want!" The tallest snapped crinkling his nose up in disgust.
The man grunted and tossed the small girl onto the ground, she crumpled into an uncomfortable looking position in the mud
Her legs where tucked under her bottom and she lay back on her heels, her arms rested on the ground above her head and her beautiful long hair was muddied and stuck to her face.
The man disappeared through the door once more and left the girl alone.
After a few minutes a large white wolf pushed its way through the bushes, it sniffed the air uneasily and took weary steps towards the girl.
After it was quite sure she would cause it no harm it trotted up to her.
Hey Gwen! I promised, therefore I deliver!
*Random note* Is there a reason why there's a new paragraph thing for each line?
over her smooth slopping shoulder,
her spine rippled down her crouched form, it lead to a white sheet that lay around her legs and hips.
there perfect irises shifting in the changing light.
A long nose slopped downwards to a pair of lushes red lips, they twitched slightly like a frightened animal.
warning the door swing open and smashed
"The girl, what do you wish me to do with her."
"Leave her to the wolves" Snorted the other.
That was enjoyable. It was fast paced and would make an excellent begginig for a story. The ending really left me hanging. Is it a dead silence? or a waiting silence?
The wording seemed a little strange in places but I enjoyed the imagery.
"A loud nock erupted from behind her, and "
Knock.
"The man sighed and began to walk towards her, she backed away her hisses growing into threatening growls.
"Don't worry darling, this won't hurt at all."
His fist came forwards and waked her up side the head. "
I didn't realise he was that close, and this girl seems like a fighter, maybe you should have a bit more action here or something, this encounter seems to have potential.
"door that captivated her in the cell." This is one of the places that the wording seemed weird. maybe used trapped instead of captivated.
Sorry this isn't a very deep review. I am also half asleep. But I look forward to reading more.
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