Caution: I was mostly asleep when I wrote this, it might be horrible. I am just trying to get a feel of how I can mold my story.
PS.
I am coming up with a better name 
The bright morning sun streamed through a grimy square window on the ceiling of a cement room. It cast a shaft of golden light over the delicate bronzed back of a young woman. Her scarlet hair dangled over her smooth, sloping shoulders. Her spine rippled down her crouched form. It lead to a white sheet that lay around her legs and hips. Her head was bent over her knees; her forest green eyes gazed out into the darkness, their perfect irises shifting in the changing light. A long nose sloped downwards to a pair of luscious red lips, twitching slightly like a frightened animal.
The same, grey... unhappy walls. Why am I here, who am I? What am I?
A loud knock erupted from behind her, and her head snapped up abruptly. She slowly twisted her neck around and glared at the iron door that captivated her in the cell. Not the man, not him again, she thought, crumpling inside as memories of pain crowded her mind. He came, every day without fail, to punish her for nothing. Without another warning, the door swung open and smashed against the cold stone wall. The girl jumped but kept her eyes locked on the man before her. She wanted to make a difference this time, wanted to escape his ready fists. This time, she would fight back.
A toothless grin was spread across his wrinkled face; his large hands were clenched into whitening fists. Despite her hatred, fear crept into her like sand trickling through the small fingers of a child.
This did not bother the girl, it only triggered a sense of venom inside of her. She pulled back her lips in a sharp snarl that lightened to a hiss. Her gaze tightened around the man, and darkened with fearless anger.
The man stomps into the room. I come forwards to investigate only to be pushed to the floor and beaten. He thinks it is funny and hits me harder and harder. I scream and cry, but he never stops.
This same man, with this same face...
Those other people, out the glass wall, they where running and laughing. Not cleaning floors and getting wiped. Does this mean if I go out there, I can be like them, happy?
The man sighed and began to walk towards her. She backed away, her hisses growing into threatening growls.
"Now now darling... Don't be frightened. This won't hurt one bit."
His fist came forwards a bit, lifting his fist over her head. The girls eyes widened and she looked up at his hand.
I am forced to the clean the floors; I am tired, so I sit up. The man, he comes towards me, his hands balled into fists, and then...
The girl dodged between the man's legs, and made a beeline towards the door. But he was faster -- he grabbed her by her ankles and began to pull across the floor. She screamed and clawed at the stones beneath, her legs working desperately to wriggle free from his iron grasp. Her heart pounded and the blood pounded her ears, his leathery hands felt like sandpaper against her skin and she knew that she had no chance. The cement scrapped her outer lair of skin, triggering deep pain inside her body. He had her, but something inside of her told her to keep struggling and she did. He nocked lifted her head violently and pushed her up against the wall, the cold stone sent shiver down her bare back, his hot breath smothered her tear splattered face and she could feel the life being sucked out of her lungs, as he leant forwards cupping his hands around her breasts. He squeezed them, gritting his teeth with joy.
The girl screeched and pushed at his hands with hers. Her breasts ached and every muscle in her body was screaming in pain for him to stop. But he only squeezed harder. She couldn't take much more of this; it felt like she was going to burst. Finally, she snapped out with her teeth and sunk them deep into his skin. She felt his grip releasing, but her body trembled with the pain imprinted in her chest; she tore at his hard, bumpy skin. Satisfied, she pulled away and looked down. Her breasts were a deep purple and there was a white hand print on each one and that set her off like a fire. She lifted her face only to be punched her right in the nose. A small yip escaped from her lips before she fell limp in his grasp, unconscious.
The man cracked his large knuckles and grabbed her by the hair. Effortlessly, he threw her over his square shoulder and stomped back out the door, swinging it shut behind him. It creaked in protest before slamming shut.
He clanked down the depressing, dingy hallways. The floors where grey cobbled stone topped with small pebbles and bits of gravel. The walls bore no windows and constant gusts of unusual wind blew around small chunks of ash and embers.
He came through a small walkway to a brightly lit room. Two men where chatting quietly together beside a warm, crackling fire. They stopped and turned to the new man.
"What do you want henchman?" The tallest snapped, crinkling his nose up in disgust. His head was held high and his eyes where almost shut, the shadow of the glowing fire flickered at his neck and cast a dark shadow under his nose.
"The girl, what do you wish me to do with her?" The bulky man asked calmly. His posture held low and his voice sounded meek next to the other man.
"What has she done?" The obvious leader yawned.
"She hasn't been listening to me, and won't do a thing. She even worked up enough courage to bit me," he hissed, "the little bugger."
"Leave her to the forest dwellers, it's none of our business," snorted the other, matching the leaders posture.
The man nodded and went back through the door and down several more stairs.
They reached another door and continued on through.
The grey sky was bruised with dark, heavy clouds; rain spattered the cracked mud below.
The man grunted and tossed the small girl onto the ground, she crumpled into an uncomfortable looking position in the mud.
Her legs were tucked under her bottom and she lay back on her heels. Her arms rested on the ground in front of her head and her long, beautiful hair was muddied and stuck to her face. A thin trickle of blood ran down her cheek and formed a small puddle of crimson beside her.
The man disappeared through the door once more and left the girl alone.
After a few minutes a large white wolf pushed its way through the bushes. It sniffed the air uneasily, its fluffy down pelt blowing in the soft wind. It took weary steps towards the girl, stopping every step to sniff and study her.
After it was quite sure that she would cause it no harm, the wolf trotted up to her. It inspected her from head to toe with its cold, wet nose. Its blue eyes memorized the patterns of her breathing and the pulse of blood running through her veins.
Finally, it snorted with satisfaction and threw back its head. It parted its lips and let a small howl break the silence; the song grew louder and stronger until it rung out over the storm. Its feathered ears where pressed back against its head and its eyes where shut.
Then it all went dead silent...
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you all
Camille I will make the edits right away
It's pretty interesting. Again, someone already covered what I wanted to say. >.< Someone like Camille.
Back again.
We still don't know what these men look like or how the henchman feels about them. You could mention the sharp angle of the leader's nose, starkly lit by the flickering light of the fire. How his stone-grey eyes gleamed flatly as he spoke, and what impression that gave the henchman.
Also, I've underlined a section because it should be: "She hasn't been listening to me, and she won't do a thing. She even worked up the courage to bite me," he hissed. "The little bugger."
I still don't understand why the dialogue is separated onto two different lines...
This sentence doesn't really work. Cement isn't sharp enough to cut through skin that badly -- therefore, the simile is wasted. I find that cement scratches, digs little tiny pebbles hard into your skin, leaves behind a swathe of white-scraped skin, maybe the occasional shallow line of blood.
Scenes like this require a lot of emotion and heartrending description. In other words, they need to seem real. Describe the cold stone against her back, the unyielding pressure of his hands, the stink of his breath on her face. Her terror and revulsion.
Also, it seems empty. Has this happened before? What was Gwenevire thinking as this happened? More importantly, how old is she? You said in the beginning that she was a 'young girl'. But if she was young, her breasts wouldn't be very... developed. *barfs* Maybe you should have said 'young woman'?
Replace the comma after 'this' with a semicolon, methinks. Also, there needs to be a comma after 'Finally'.
Comma after 'Effortlessly'. Also, put a period after 'him' and start a new sentence after that.
'its' should be: it's. Here's the difference, so you don't make that mistake in the future:
Its is for possessive. For example: The wolf snarled, baring its sharp fangs.
It's is a contraction for 'it is'. For example: "It's okay," she murmured.
Since the other flashback is in present tense, this one should be too: I am forced to the clean the floors; I am tired, so I sit up. The man, he comes towards me, his hands balled into fists, and...
*shudders*
Anyways, you never mentioned that she got up of the floor -- or that he hauled her up or anything. One minute she's being dragged across the cement floor, the next she's pushed up against a wall. Make the transition more clear.
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That's it... for now. Once you edit it, I'll come back again. When there's no longer any nit-picking to do, I'll give you general advice and such.
Happy Editing!
Love you,
Camille xox
i like the word choice! it was very enjoyable to read. I look forward to more
Thanks a tone!
I will fix those right now
What do you think of it now?
I will PM you about friday
love ya,
Gweny
xox
Sure!
'pushed' should be 'pushes'. I forgot that last time. ;p
'mans' should be: man's.
Maybe you should put a hyphen after 'faster' so that it looks like this: But he was faster -- he grabbed her by the ankles and began to pull her across the floor.
Comma after 'knife'.
This needs to be re-worded: She felt his grip releasing, but her body trembled with the pain imprinted in her chest; she tore at his hard, bumpy skin. Satisfied, she pulled away and looked down. Her breasts were a deep purple.
Change 'this' to 'that'.
Did you mean 'only'?
Comma after 'grasp'.
I think 'ember' should be 'embers'.
Why the new-line-for-each-phrase? Also, there should be a comma after 'warm'. ^.^
This conversation is very empty, I'm afraid. I think you should have the henchman tell the other two men that Gwenevire was misbehaving and struggling -- how else would they know to send her outside? Also, you should elaborate more on the henchman's relationship with them. Are they his superiors? How does he feel towards them?
This seems kind of run-onish. Try this: Her legs were tucked under her bottom and she lay back on her heels. Her arms rested on the ground in front of her head and her long, beautiful hair was muddied and stuck to her face.
You repeat the word 'small' Maybe say 'a thin trickle of blood' instead of a 'a small trickle of blood'?
Comma after 'finally'. This is kind of a run-on sentence, too. Try: Finally, it snorted with satisfaction and threw back its head. It parted its lips and let a small howl break the silence; the song grew louder and stronger until it rung out over the storm.
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And that's it! I think we should get together and do some character developing exercises together, and chat about characterization. It's so hard. >.<
Anyways, see you Friday at swordplay class!
Love you,
Camille xox
Thanks
I have done a little bit of polishing, it would be great if you could go over it again and give me a heads up on my progress/failure
If you can't thats fine, thanks anyways.
-Gwen
I'm glad it helped.
The example? Sure, you can use it! I don't mind.
And she's naked? *dies* Oh well, I suppose that's alright as long as you don't describe anything. XD
Love you,
Camille xox
Thank you Camille
That really helps me, I understand a bit more about how I can show my character better from the inside.
I will do the Mary-Sue test right away
Um... you know about the little thing your wrote as an example on how I could show her emotions and stuff. Its really good, do you mind if I take some of your ideas and like, change them around a bit *is hopeful*
I will fix all the mistakes you corrected and see if I can work on the grammar a bit.
Love ya,
Gweny
xox
PS.
Yes she is naked... *winks*
lol
Hey ning!
I'm here too late, as usual. But that won't deter me from trying to help you with characterization.
I struggle with it too. It is incredibly difficult, for me, to integrate my character's personality and thoughts into my writing. It's not the actual developement that bothers me -- I have a crystal-clear picture of all my important characters -- it's just giving the reader that image too.
I am going to quote certain passages from your story and suggest where you might want to add some characterization:
I can picture this in my head, but it seems kind of empty. What is she thinking? Here is an example:
A loud knock erupted from behind her, and her head snapped up abruptly. She slowly twisted her neck around and glared at the iron door that captivated her in the cell. Not the man, not him again, she thought, cringing inwardly as memories of pain crowded her mind. He came, every day without fail, to punish her for crimes she could not remember committing.
Without another warning, the door swung open and smashed against the cold stone wall. The girl jumped but kept her eyes locked on the man before her. She wanted to make a difference this time, wanted to escape his ready fists. This time, she would fight back.
A toothless grin was spread across his wrinkled face; his large hands were clenched into whitening fists. Despite her hatred, fear crept into her like water trickling through the fingers of a small child.
I know that's a horrible example but hopefully you get the point. If she has the IQ of a small child, you should make her thoughts basic and rudimentary, her emotions raw. Like a wild animal, almost.
Aha! I just noticed that you've added some more. I'll correct your errors now.
Each sentence doesn't need it's own line.
Maybe put a comma after 'smooth' for better flow? And the second sentence seems a little... odd. I like the image of a spinal cord rippling down someone's back, but the part about the sheet confused me. It's wrapped around her legs and hips, but she's crouching? You might want to clarify...
Also, is she naked?
Replace the comma after 'knees' with a semicolon. =p
'where' should be 'were'.
You should elaborate on this more. She is fearlessly angry, but for what reason? You need to include her thoughts, not just her emotions. Why is she fearlessly angry?
You switch tenses a lot here. If you want present tense for her flashbacks, then 'stomped' should be 'stomps', 'came' should be 'come', 'was' should be 'is', 'hit' should be 'hits', 'screamed' should be 'scream', and 'cried' should be 'cry'.
'wont' needs to have an apostrophe after the 'n': won't.
'back' should be 'backed' and do humans growl?
Why do you have a new line for each sentence? Also, you repeat 'fist' twice on the third line.
'B-line' should be 'beeline'.
This seems kind of empty. It's important that you have emotion and thoughts in this kind of scene. Show us what thoughts ran through her mind as she was being dragged, describe the pain of cement on her bare skin.
Oh jeez. He sounds like a really nice guy... not. In any occasion, this needs to be re-worded: He pushed her up against the wall, cupping his hands around her breasts. He squeezed them, gritting his teeth with joy.
This seems empty too. Describe the pain she was feeling, show us what thoughts and emotions triggered her reaction: biting the man.
Again with the new-line-for-each-phrase thing.
What is he thinking during this? If the girl is still conscious, describe the pain of being carried, and what she was thinking and feeling.
Question mark after 'henchman'.
Maybe 'asked' would be better than 'said'?
Comma after 'business'.
Nice imagery, but I think it should be: The grey sky was bruised with dark, heavy clouds; rain spattered the cracked mud below.
Period after 'mud'.
Large white wolves are the coolest.
You've already used 'feathered' to describe a body part of the wolf's. Maybe try some more variety?
'it' after 'with' should be 'its' and maybe try a comma after 'cold'?
'Memorizing' should be 'memorized'.
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Overall, I like this. It is beautiful but empty, like a seashell. You have nice descriptions, a fast, exciting pace, but no characterization. That's what makes it empty. I don't know enough about your character to feel anything for her; you didn't really elaborate on her motivations for the actions. As an example:
See how this could be elaborated on? Action > screeching, Cause > man squeezing her breasts against her will, Reaction > she bites him. It's obvious as to why she bit him, but it would be good if you could show us her thoughts. Show us how the blood is roaring in her ears, how pain throbs in her breast, how his flesh felt under her teeth, the angry thoughts that swarmed in her mind.
Also, it's considered a Mary-Sueish trait for a character to have a traumatic past. This includes things like beatings, forced to work, rape. You have all these things. But, seeing as that's the only cliché yet, I think you can get any with it.
Here's the Mary-Sue Litmus test, just in case you're interested.
Another problem is grammar. Once the chapters get longer, people aren't going to take the time to correct everything. Doesn't your word processor have spell-check? And grammar-check?
Anyways. This definitely shows potential; I think you can make it really spectacular. It needs some work, but I think it's interesting and promising.
Feel free to PM me with any questions, or you could post them here.
Love you,
Camille xox
Saint: Thank you so much, I will make the corrections right away. If you need anything reviewed just PM me and I will get around to it (some day :p)
I will go over what you said and edit it.
Andy: Thank you so much darling. Your review made me confident in myself. I want to go on, push myself and make it perfect
I would love to talk about character development, as you can see I am really struggling with it.
Yes I do like doors, it must have something to do with the fact that I don't have one! *growls*
What I find hard, is that my character has the IQ of a small child, she may be older than one but she has never left her cell, I am still developing my ideas but I kind of find it hard to express how she feels and what she takes in.
Oh, maybe I could put flashbacks for her feelings. Like this:
This did not bother the girl, it only triggered a sense of venom inside of her. She pulled back her lips back in a sharp snarl that lightened to a hiss. Her gaze tightened around the man, and darkened with fearless anger.
Another human, big, like him. Who is he... why is he here.
He is talking to me. But what is he saying?
I go up to him, but he nocks me back down. Why?
Something like this, flashbacks, that trigger emotions and reactions in her... Do you think that would work?
For showing things. I will expand on that now
So, I have to feel a connection with my character? Do you think if I explored her by being her in the real world, would that work?
I was thinking about studying how people develop their characters in their novels, but then I always want to review their book XD
Do you have any suggestions for good books, that show character development?
I will take a look at that website.
Thank you so much, this was so helpfull
Love,
Vivi
Hey there Gwen. Well you've summoned me to critique your revised edition. Here I am, ready to strike.
This seems to be overwritten. The sentence should end right after "form" and a new sentence should begin with the remaining phase.
I agree with Saint, this is just a run on sentence.
But can you work on this concept further?
Repetition of "back" making the sentence sound awkward. While I'm at it, your main character sure gazes a lot. Also, are you entirely sure that your main character is fearless? How is this so? What evidence is there to support this?
The man sighed and began to walk towards her. She back away, her hisses growing into threatening growls.
"Waked" and "unconscious" contradict each other, unless of course if you mean another word.
You can combine the last sentence with the 2nd to last one, as it reads as if time backtracked itself for a second.
Depressing and dingy how? And what's with so many iron doors?
Over written. The comma after "fire" should be a full stop. "At" should be "and".
Comma after "snapped."
Full stop instead after "ground." You might also want to be more specific about the position.
You place quite a heavy emphasis on the limps of your main character which actually slow the flow of the piece.
You like doors eh?
Full stop after "bushes".
After it was quite sure that she would cause it no harm, the wolf trotted up to her.
Overall impressions:
This seems much more like rough draft than a decent piece of writing. You only did three tricks in this piece: Descriptions, action sequences and dialogue. Nothing else. I was a bit bored reading this to be honest. The narrative bears little substance and the wording of sentences is quite similar. In short, this lacks variety.
Part of that would probably that you aren't willing to take risks to expand and explore on the ideas. For example, you said that the ordeal near the beginning triggered venom inside her, but what exactly is the trigger? This also feels vague similar to "telling" rather than showing, as you are telling to us what happened, rather than showing it. This happened a lot during the piece. You told us what she saw, felt etc etc and leaving the deeper meanings behind.
You might be upset to hear this too Vivi, but there is no character development in this piece. You didn't explore your main character further, and hence she ends up like your typical damsel in distress. I have read your blog and yes, character development is quite hard. The best advice that I have is actually to place your shoes into your main character. Write about how you would feel when you are placed in that situation, and provide the reasons and explanations why (show it don't tell). When you start connecting with your main character like that, you will find that you would ponder as to how to weave the development into the narrative. It's a hard thing to do, yes, and you would probably sit in front of a computer during a sunny afternoon because of character development. But hey, when you have thought deeply about this, then you find yourself with a unique and intriguing character. You know you've succeed when you feel this magical connection with your character.
Overall, work on character development, work on exploring ideas deeper, show don't tell, and add some variety to your pose. Read a novel, study it and learn as to how authors pose their work to reduce the tedium. If you need help with character development, PM me on chat and we'll discuss it there.
Love,
Andy.
P.S: http://www.tki.org.nz/r/ncea/eng2_1B5_26apr07.doc
Have a look at the link above. Read through the instructions and the examples. Focus on the following:
1. Why did the achieved exemplar didn't managed to reach the merit or excellence exemplars?
2. What differences are there between a merit and an excellence exemplar?
That is pretty much one of the assessment topics that we have for our NCEA English 2.1 : Creative writing. You might want to have a go on the topic yourself and see if you can get an excellence. After all, the assessment criteria pretty much determines as to how good the writing is, and follows through some of the things that you have learnt so far on YWS.
Have fun.
Hey Gwen! I promised, therefore I deliver!
*Random note* Is there a reason why there's a new paragraph thing for each line?
Sloping shoulder*
This should really be two sentences, for fluency's sake.
Their*
This sentence deserves a bit of a rewrite -- try "A long nose sloped downwards to a pair of luscious red lips, twitching slightly like a frightened animal."
The door swung open*
Should be a question mark at the end there.
Comma after "wolves," and decapitalise "snorted."
Haha, Gwen, this shows all the signs of being written while half asleep. xD The grammar is far below your usual standard. I know you can do a lot better.
Anyway, once you look over this when you're more awake, this will be a lot better. Your writing is good as is and I have no major complaints to register, but the reduced quality of the grammar definitely subtracts from it.
Like I said, no major complaints. The writing itself was fresh, fluent, and snappy. And one of these days I'll get around to reading the other parts.
Much love.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
That was enjoyable. It was fast paced and would make an excellent begginig for a story. The ending really left me hanging. Is it a dead silence? or a waiting silence?
The wording seemed a little strange in places but I enjoyed the imagery.
"A loud nock erupted from behind her, and "
Knock.
"The man sighed and began to walk towards her, she backed away her hisses growing into threatening growls.
"Don't worry darling, this won't hurt at all."
His fist came forwards and waked her up side the head. "
I didn't realise he was that close, and this girl seems like a fighter, maybe you should have a bit more action here or something, this encounter seems to have potential.
"door that captivated her in the cell." This is one of the places that the wording seemed weird. maybe used trapped instead of captivated.
Sorry this isn't a very deep review. I am also half asleep. But I look forward to reading more.