Published February 6, 2008
Let It Bleed…
Chapter One
Where I belong
The silver moon drifted across the dawning sky. Shadows of gloom and revulsion inched towards the mirror image of the world in the scarlet water below.
They bent fearfully close to me and clawed at my clothing. I let my neck release, dropping my head back on my shoulders. The blissful stars glittered in the darkening sky. Large mountains and cliffs toward over me, and everything seemed hushed.
"I wish I had someone..." I breathed, "to hold." I brought my pale, icy hand to curve around the moon, "To touch the moon with..." I brought my hand to my chest and shut my eyes, "to love." I lifted my head from my shoulders and breathed in, slowly opening my oak brown eyes. My nostrils flared and I began to walk towards one of the cliffs.
Once at the base, I rotated my shoulders and took another glance at the sky. I could just make out the small formations of the grey clouds against the moon.
“Rain…” As soon as the word passed through my lips, small raindrops pricked the tops of my shoulders and nose.
I began to trudge up the mountain; the icy stones scraped and bloodied my bare feet. My white gown caught on branches and thorns, ripping and tearing through the damp material.
I slipped and bit my lip, causing it to ooze scarlet blood. I spat, breathing through my teeth. I slowly raised my head and looked up. There, in front of me, was the edge of the cliff. The moon peered over the rime and shone brightly into my eyes. I squinted and stumbled to the top.
By now, the rain had reached its full force. Large drops of frozen rain pelted the ground and splattered mud onto my legs. The wind lashed at my hair, tearing it out of its bun and flinging it wildly around my face. I pushed it away and walked to the very edge of the cliff. My dress fluttered wildly in the wind. I raised my arms into the air and breathed in slowly. The cool damp air flooded my lungs and filled me with life.
I shut my eyes and leapt, out into the darkened air and into freedom. I flew in the wind for a second and then I came down in the water with a painful clap. My eyes flew open, only to be shut again.
I wish I had someone to love...but no one will… and this is where I belong My dress floated up around my as I sunk deeper into the depths of the sinister waters. Silver bubbles drifted from my lips and I felt the last bits of breath being tugged out of me. I cringed in pain and then it was all a fuzz before me…
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140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
well this is much different from the Chapter One that i just read, but i think i like it better. the writing is fluid and graceful and i can see it all in my head. one thing i'd like to point out is that it seems a bit cliche. like a music video, with a sad, beatiful girl in a flowing dress who falls from something usually with rain. but then, i dont know the setting or anything and i really don't care much about cliche. I liked it.
Yo yo yo, Gwen! I said I'd get to the rest of this eventually.
The placement of the adverb here is a bit confusing -- did the bend fearfully or were they fearful when they bent?
Towered*. Also, that comma is unnecessary.
*Random note* Something has always bugged me about paragraphs like the one the above sentence is from -- just the fact that the action is being broken up and the dialogue is disjointed. It's best to rewrite it.
This is where you start to sound too much like you're trying not to be repetitive -- how do you rotate your shoulders to move your eyes?
*Random note* Meep. You need to work on varying your sentence length.
The repetition of "wildly" bugs me so close together -- you mentioned it in an earlier sentence.
Interesting... although I suppose the fact that I'm kind of tired right now isn't helping. xD
Anyway... this needs a bit of lengthening if you ask me. It seems more like a prologue or an introduction to me. Maybe adding more of the character's thoughtsw ould help? I'm sure there was plenty going through her mind as she was falling. I mean, who falls off a cliff and doesn't have a single interesting thought on the way down?
So that's what I say. Add some more detail and keep an eye on your sentence fluency -- varying the lengths is kind of your weak point right now. But otherwise, this was good!
Although I think I'm going to take a nap before I critique everything else. xD
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Bravo, Gwen. Quite nice. I didn't think your title was emo--I actually like it a lot. Blood doesn't always have to represent depression. It's fiery, like passion! So yeah, good title.
As for grammar stuff, there's not a lot. Just try to space it out so it's not all lumped together. Someone probably pointed this out already, but you said, "my dress lifted around my," or something like that.
Overall, I love this. The tone is so dark and mystical...very Renaissance. Your imagery is crisp and not too purple. Good job with that, too.
Your MC's dialogue was definitely stiff, but I don't know her very well, so I suppose you'll develop her further in upcoming chapters. I'm off to read chapter two now!
Hey Gwen,
This is ok. The main problems with the piece is 1. this concept has been done before 2. the descriptions you've used don't really work together that well 3. character development
Firstly, a girl standing out beneath a starry sky, facing a cliff. Is it not obvious that the first thing that comes to mind when the reader reads this is that your main character is reflecting on her mood? It isn't original. This concept has been done heaps. This concept could actually be quite compelling if you had breathed new life to this rather aging concept. This leads to my second point.
Really now, all you really have here is just descriptions, nothing more. They don't really work well together, and you didn't really elaborate greatly as to what emotions or thoughts are conjured when the main character is studying the gaia. The concept can actually be freshed if one is willing to explore further into the idea.
Lastly, your main character is rather shallow. Of all the things you've decided to relate your character to the gaia, you chose lose. This is rather typical for a teenager to relate their loss to teenage love, a rather common idea among teenagers as the main character. To be frank, it's boring seeing the same thing repeated. You could had also developed your main character further. I have no idea as to who she is, other than the fact that she is just another whiny teenager. Show to us as to who she is through dialogue, descriptions of her or through her actions.
Going to check out chapter 2 now.
Andy.
Thanks you three!
I will do my corrections tomorrow, I am very sleepy now.
Just did a 9 page review, *yawns*
Thanks!
Gwen
Let it bleed... sounds like the beatles... Let it Be.
Lol, anyhow...
Many bad authors believe that a good novel is just a million adjectives per sentence. No. I t doesn't work like that. I actually think that you know when to and not to use them. For the first couple of lines, try pulling a few descriptive words out and adding a few more setences out of them, to set the scene a bit more.
I really like this, it has potential.
Don't stop writing!
D'Aedomir
Sentence #1>> "Blissful" sounds awkward. I'd make it: "The [adjective?] stars glittered blissfully in the darkening sky."
Sentence #2>> "toward" should be "towered" ^_~ they mean different things!
Hmm... this is a little strange. I don't tend to think about the color of my eyes very much, (especially at moments like this). Because it's in the 1st person, I recommend you just say: "I lifted my head from my shoulders and breathed in, slowly opening my eyes."
This is just an example--a lot of your sentences begin with "I". I think you should try to change that, because no matter how poetic you get, if you start all your sentences like that the readers start to get the impression of "I did this. i felt this. I saw this..." etc.
Repetition of "rain", "wildly", "wind" and "air" ...also, I think the second-to-last sentence should just be "...and breathed slowly."
Delete the comma after "leapt"... which should be "leaped"--it's just pronounced "leapt"
Both these sentences end with "me"
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Overall: This was pretty good! The description was beautiful, but it was all (or almost all) visual. I don't really know the temperature, except that her hand was icy. Is the water cold? Is her gown heavy with the rain and sticking to her legs?, making it hard for her to walk? There's a lot of emotion and you painted some beautiful pictures, but what does the rain smell like? How about the water? Is it salty or fresh? Try to explore the other senses a little more.
I hope this helps!
Let me know if I was unclear about anything!
~Zills~
P.S. Maybe we should name the kitty Splinter? Haha, just a random thought.
Is it the sky that's dawning, or the sun? I think it's a lovely phrase, but because I am being all critical in the hopes of being helpful I must ask. =P
Who's they? The Shadows? Also, if they are 'fearful', what of? Wait. Yes, to me it looks like fearful is an adverb of bent, thus describing how they are bending. But maybe you mean it's her that's afraid because they are bending. =P I think in that case it makes sense as it is, though it wasn't what I first understood.
Methinks this should be 'relax', not release.
But then again, if she is fearful due to the shadows clawing at her... why is she relaxing?
I don't know. Saying 'the world' instead of 'everything' sounds more poetic. =P Don't mind me.
I never liked trying to break up phrases this way, becuse I was never sure about the proper grammar rules for it =P So I will just say that in my mind, the 'to hold' all by itself looks awkward. Maybe say 'I wish I had someone...someone to hold' or something. Just my two cents
I brought my pale, icy hand to curve around the moon.[period]
Personally, I would replace the '...' with a period. And then capitalize the 'to'. You use the '...' effect a lot, and it makes us think she is sort of letting her thought drift. But at the same time, I feel like she already knows what she's about to say and the effect is wasted on me. =P
Wah, where did all the poetic-ness go? Rotated!? Are there not prettier sounding synonyms? *is very odd about how words 'sound'*
Again, I feel a lack of peoticness in this. Maybe make it 'brilliant moon' or something like that.
I would say '...caught on branches and thorns that ripped and tore through the damp material', since the way it is now I thought it was the gown that was doing the ripping and tearing, as opposed to the branches. Oh. Or '...branches and thorns, ripping and tearing as I walked on' or something like that.
Yay! Poetry!
I'd say 'I squinted and stumbled my way to the top'. Dunno why though. =P Probably just my writing style talking.
*^*^*^
Woot. I liked this. I especially enjoyed how poetic it was (for most of the thing, anyways), and would encourage you to go to the 'action' parts and maybe make those shamelessly artistic too. It works well here, because there isn't much plot (only 1 event, really). If there was much more happening, people might get bored of the lovely prose-like beauty of it all. Or you'd drive yourself insane trying to come up with more. =P
Um...yup. That's it. I think it's beautiful and lovely. I haven't written anything like this in a long time but I feel very tempted to try--now that I see how nice it is.
Good stuff.
^_^ Keek!
Well there is a twisting plot that will explane why here eyes are oak brown now and icy blue later. Same with her hair... Did I mention it is black now?
Mary-sue my butt! Its one thing
I dono yet XD
Thanks again!
Love ya,
Genevieve
xox
No prob!
I noticed another thing though:
I thought her eyes were ice blue? Besides, you have oak brown eyes. It's considered a Mary-Sue trait to have the same colour eyes as your character.
I was inspired because she was wearing a dress. That sounds kind of random, but I thought that your story would take place like, almost a century ago... I don't know, really.
... what time is it in?
- Camille xx
Thanks for the crit
You really like it? Aw thank you!
What part of my story inspired you to do it in 1800's?
Love ya back,
Genevieve
xox
Hey ning!
The title struck me as kind of emo, and that's probably not a good thing. But onto the critique!
These phrases are kind of adjective-heavy. You should cut down on those that aren't necessary for the mental image: get rid of 'circular'. You can mention later that the moon is full. Also, 'crimson' isn't necessary either. If you mention in the second sentence that the waters are scarlet, then we know.
There should be a comma after 'release'.
This section should be: "I wish I had someone..." I breathed, "to hold." I brought my pale, icy hand to curve around the moon, "To touch the moon with..." I brought my hand to my chest and shut my eyes, "to love."
Comma after 'base'.
Maybe this should be what she's thinking, because it's kind of weird that she keeps talking to herself... it makes her seem kind of loopy.
Comma after 'lips'.
'scrapped' should be 'scraped'.
Comma after 'lip'.
It should be: There, in front of me, was the edge of the cliff.
Comma after 'now'.
Comma after 'hair'.
'push' should be 'pushed'.
What does sweat have to do with anything?
'can' should be 'came'.
Comma after 'open'.
I think this would work better if on the previous line, you wrote: I wish I had someone to love... and then:
... but no one will... and this is where I belong.
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Wow...
This is achingly beautiful. It's definitely my favourite piece of yours so far.
Most of your errors are grammatical. I would like to have more of her thoughts and emotions (explain more before she leap off the cliff) but I kind of like the way it is: mysterious, surreal, kind of vague.
The imagery is very pretty. I have to get offline now, but we can discuss this more when I see you again, okay?
You've inspired me with this. Now, I want to start my story in less modern times. Likes the late 1800's, I think. Thanks for the inspiration! xD
Love ya,
Camille xx