Young Writers Society

Gwenevire wrote:Let It Bleed…
Chapter One
Where I belong

The silver moon drifted across the dawning sky. Shadows of gloom and revulsion inched towards the mirror image of the world in the scarlet water below.
They bent fearfully close to me and clawed at my clothing. I let my neck release, dropping my head back on my shoulders. The blissful stars glittered in the darkening sky. Large mountains and cliffs toward over me, and everything seemed hushed.
"I wish I had someone..." I breathed, "to hold." I brought my pale, icy hand to curve around the moon, "To touch the moon with..." I brought my hand to my chest and shut my eyes, "to love." I lifted my head from my shoulders and breathed in, slowly opening my oak brown eyes. My nostrils flared and I began to walk towards one of the cliffs.

this sentence kinda threw me off. i mean, you have a calm sort of fluid, wistful atmosphere and then suddenly she's angry? or is she angry?

Once at the base, I rotated my shoulders and took another glance at the sky. I could just make out the small formations of the grey clouds against the moon.
“Rain…” As soon as the word passed through my lips, small raindrops pricked the tops of my shoulders and nose.
I began to trudge up the mountain; the icy stones scraped and bloodied my bare feet. My white gown caught on branches and thorns, ripping and tearing through the damp material.
I slipped and bit my lip, causing it to ooze scarlet blood. I spat, breathing through my teeth. I slowly raised my head and looked up. There, in front of me, was the edge of the cliff. The moon peered over the rime and shone brightly into my eyes. I squinted and stumbled to the top.
By now, the rain had reached its full force. Large drops of frozen rain pelted the ground and splattered mud onto my legs. The wind lashed at my hair, tearing it out of its bun and flinging it wildly around my face. I pushed it away and walked to the very edge of the cliff. My dress fluttered wildly in the wind. I raised my arms into the air and breathed in slowly. The cool damp air flooded my lungs and filled me with life.

*gasp* beautiful writing

I shut my eyes and leapt, out into the darkened air and into freedom. I flew in the wind for a second and then I came down in the water with a painful clap. My eyes flew open, only to be shut again.
I wish I had someone to love...but no one will… and this is where I belong My dress floated up around my as I sunk deeper into the depths of the sinister waters. Silver bubbles drifted from my lips and I felt the last bits of breath being tugged out of me. I cringed in pain and then it was all a fuzz before me…

fuzz makes me think soft, warm and comfortable, maybe try a different word?

Yo yo yo, Gwen! I said I'd get to the rest of this eventually.

They bent fearfully close to me and clawed at my clothing.

Large mountains and cliffs toward over me,

Once at the base, I rotated my shoulders and took another glance at the sky.

My dress fluttered wildly in the wind.

Bravo, Gwen. Quite nice. I didn't think your title was emo--I actually like it a lot. Blood doesn't always have to represent depression. It's fiery, like passion! So yeah, good title.

As for grammar stuff, there's not a lot. Just try to space it out so it's not all lumped together. Someone probably pointed this out already, but you said, "my dress lifted around my," or something like that.

Overall, I love this. The tone is so dark and mystical...very Renaissance. Your imagery is crisp and not too purple. Good job with that, too.

Your MC's dialogue was definitely stiff, but I don't know her very well, so I suppose you'll develop her further in upcoming chapters. I'm off to read chapter two now!

Hey Gwen,

This is ok. The main problems with the piece is 1. this concept has been done before 2. the descriptions you've used don't really work together that well 3. character development

Firstly, a girl standing out beneath a starry sky, facing a cliff. Is it not obvious that the first thing that comes to mind when the reader reads this is that your main character is reflecting on her mood? It isn't original. This concept has been done heaps. This concept could actually be quite compelling if you had breathed new life to this rather aging concept. This leads to my second point.

Really now, all you really have here is just descriptions, nothing more. They don't really work well together, and you didn't really elaborate greatly as to what emotions or thoughts are conjured when the main character is studying the gaia. The concept can actually be freshed if one is willing to explore further into the idea.

Lastly, your main character is rather shallow. Of all the things you've decided to relate your character to the gaia, you chose lose. This is rather typical for a teenager to relate their loss to teenage love, a rather common idea among teenagers as the main character. To be frank, it's boring seeing the same thing repeated. You could had also developed your main character further. I have no idea as to who she is, other than the fact that she is just another whiny teenager. Show to us as to who she is through dialogue, descriptions of her or through her actions.

Going to check out chapter 2 now.

Andy.

Thanks you three!
I will do my corrections tomorrow, I am very sleepy now.
Just did a 9 page review, *yawns*
Thanks!

Gwen

Let it bleed... sounds like the beatles... Let it Be.

Lol, anyhow...

Many bad authors believe that a good novel is just a million adjectives per sentence. No. I t doesn't work like that. I actually think that you know when to and not to use them. For the first couple of lines, try pulling a few descriptive words out and adding a few more setences out of them, to set the scene a bit more.

I really like this, it has potential.

Don't stop writing!

D'Aedomir

The blissful stars glittered in the darkening sky. Large mountains and cliffs toward over me, and everything seemed hushed.

I lifted my head from my shoulders and breathed in, slowly opening my oak brown eyes.

I slipped and bit my lip, causing it to ooze scarlet blood. I spat, breathing through my teeth. I slowly raised my head and looked up.

By now, the rain had reached its full force. Large drops of frozen rain pelted the ground and splattered mud onto my legs. The wind lashed at my hair, tearing it out of its bun and flinging it wildly around my face. I pushed it away and walked to the very edge of the cliff. My dress fluttered wildly in the wind. I raised my arms into the air and breathed in slowly. The cool damp air flooded my lungs and filled me with life.

I shut my eyes and leapt, out into the darkened air and into freedom.

Silver bubbles drifted from my lips and I felt the last bits of breath being tugged out of me. I cringed in pain and then it was all a fuzz before me…

The silver moon drifted across the dawning sky.

They bent fearfully close to me and clawed at my clothing.

I let my neck release, dropping my head back on my shoulders.

The blissful stars glittered in the darkening sky.

Large mountains and cliffs toward over me, and everything seemed hushed.

"I wish I had someone..." I breathed, "to hold."

"To touch the moon with..." I brought my hand to my chest and shut my eyes, "to love."

Once at the base, I rotated my shoulders and took another glance at the sky.

I could just make out the small formations of the grey clouds against the moon.

My white gown caught on branches and thorns, ripping and tearing through the damp material.

The moon peered over the rime and shone brightly into my eyes.

I squinted and stumbled to the top.

I wish I had someone to love...but no one will… and this is where I belong.[period]

Well there is a twisting plot that will explane why here eyes are oak brown now and icy blue later. Same with her hair... Did I mention it is black now?
Mary-sue my butt! Its one thing

I dono yet XD

Thanks again!

Love ya,
Genevieve
xox

No prob!
I noticed another thing though:

I lifted my head from my shoulders and breathed in, slowly opening my oak brown eyes.

Thanks for the crit
You really like it? Aw thank you!
What part of my story inspired you to do it in 1800's?

Love ya back,
Genevieve
xox

Hey ning!
The title struck me as kind of emo, and that's probably not a good thing. But onto the critique!

The circular silver moon drifted across the dawning crimson sky. Shadows of gloom and revulsion inched towards the mirror image of the world in the scarlet water below.

I let my neck release dropping my head back on my shoulders.

“I wish I had someone…” I breathed, “to hold” I brought my icy pale hand curve up to the moon, “to touch the moon with…” I brought my hand into my chest and shut my eyes, “to love”

Once at the base I rotated my shoulders and took another glance at the sky.

“Rain…”

As soon as the word passed through my lips small raindrops pricked the tops of my shoulders and nose.

I began to trudge up the mountain; the icy stones scrapped and bloodied my bare feet.

I slipped and bit my lip causing it to ooze scarlet blood.

There in front of me was the edge of the cliff.

By now the rain had reached its full force.

The wind lashed at my hair tearing it out of its bun and flinging it wildly around my face.

I push it away and walked to the very edge of the cliff.

The sweat damp air flooded my lungs and filled me with life.

I flew in the wind for a second and then I can down in the water with a painful clap.

My eyes flew open only to be shut again.

but no one will… and this is where I belong