Published October 29, 2007
<
And icy wind swept cooly through the forest. Its silent form shaking the tress effortlessly. Its soft touch tickled the leaves thus bringing them into the air and wiping them violently into the bushes. A small dirt path wound its way through the trees. Its skinny body leading to a sandy beach sprinkled with beautiful sea shells. The sea roared with life sending large white waves splashing onto the rocks that surrounded the bay.
A lean muscular figure paced the beach silently. A sea of red hair twisted around her blowing up onto her dark tanned face. Her icy gaze was locked on the endless water ahead. Its glassy body never stopped moving as the suns last rays sparkled and danced on the surface.
Mean while a dark figure was slyly making its way through the trees. Its body resembled a black shadow as it slipped effortlessly forwards. Gwenevire on the other hand was unaware of its eerie presence. Although her spin tingled with unpleasant fear she was reluctant to move. She had no purpose on this beach. Something was holding her back...And she was willing to fight for it!
<
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,894 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Thanks...
Its not the beginning of my book. Its just a little bit.
The beginning is called Sacred.
You should cheque it out.
wow, this is going to be a good story.
i was just going to comment on " her spin", that confused me lol. but i reread your story twice and just realized it is a typo, should be spine. so much for my negative critique.
i honestly read storys for the story line, i dont normally look for errors. unless they jump out.
i really like this, i think you should keep going with it. it already has the suspense that grabs the reader from the start. i wanted to keep reading. dang, you stopped writing.
kim
Oops. I am such a dope! Thanks!
It's 'Check'
I looked at your poem already.
Yah...I am just to lazy!
Cheque out my new poem!
Hey, you know you can edit your posts?
You just noticed that!
I don't mind! JUst try to tone it down a notch! XD
Thats okay!
No problem...
I just re-read my reviews; I sound really mean though!
Thank you Ayra! :hug:
I really appreciate your help!
*roll*
I don't mean to be repetitive, but my review will beasically be the same as my review of '.:The Wind:.'
IMPORTANT
Alot of the sentences should be joined, and many of them just don't make sense.
For example:
You wrote:
And* icy wind swept cooly through the forest. Its silent form* shaking the tress effortlessly.
----------------
It should be:
An icy wind swept cooly through the forest, it's silent form shaking the trees effortlessly.
*And? Did you mean to say 'an'?
*It's silent form? Wind doesn;t really have a form, or at least that sounds odd...
You wrote:
A small dirt path wound its way through the trees. Its skinny body* leading to a sandy beach sprinkled with beautiful sea shells.
-----------------
It should be something like this:
Although her spin tingled with unpleasant fear she was reluctant to move.
A small dirt path wound it's way through the trees, leading to a sandy beach sprinkled with beautiful sea shells/
*What's with the 'form of the wind' and the 'body of the path'? You don't have to change it but personally I think it sounds weird...
You wrote:
A lean muscular figure paced the beach silently. A sea of red hair twisted around her blowing up onto her dark tanned face. Her icy gaze was locked on the endless water ahead. Its glassy body* never stopped moving as the suns last rays sparkled and danced on the surface.
-------------------------
Some small adjustements:
A lean, muscular figure paced the beach silently, her sea of red hair twisting around her dark, tanned face. Her icy gaze was locked on the endless water ahead. It's glassy body never stopped moving as the sun's last rays sparkled and danced on it's surface.
*Again, the 'body' thing is annoying me...
You wrote:
Although her spin tingled with unpleasant fear she was reluctant to move.
--------------
You said 'spin'. If I am correct, you meant to say Spine?
Overall:
It has imporved from your last piece (you separated it into paragraphs) but this one was a little short. Also, the sentences are still awkward.