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I had let myself out, after tea and cake and some inconsequential chit-chat, into the garden. As I walked I glanced back and saw my mother's face, wrinkled and smiling, looking out of the bay window; laughing at my sailor’s gait, no doubt. Six months at sea had changed me in more ways than that. Six months; it seemed longer.
I came to the edge of the small island of clipped grass, to the encroaching waves of weeds - topped with a fluffy white spray of elderflower blossom - that continually broke against the shore. As I waded in the smell of crushed nettles and sodden mud, distinct and evocative, greeted and surrounded me. I pushed on further, ducking beneath a branch I once leapt to touch, and clambering over a fallen tree that I had crawled under. My feet grew steadily surer and faster, until, tucked away in the corner of the garden, I found what I had been looking for.
A thick covering of ivy hid it, like a frozen waterfall, or the tentacles of a jelly fish, undulating and intertwined, but dried out and hard, and rough with fibrous hair. I put out a hand to one side of the ivy, to pull it back as I had done before, but in my absence it had fused, and I couldn’t brush it aside like I used to. Some of the branches, dead now, snapped, so that dust rained down, and insects, which squirmed on the ground before righting themselves and scurrying away.
I looked up, and saw inside. Everything was as I had left it. There was the stool I had made from a stump, and the place where I used to pretend to have a stove. In the corner was the small table I had snuck from inside, with my shell collection on it, beside it the place where I had imagined my bunk was, and, on the floor, the telescope I had used to scour the horizon for pirates. I shivered as a younger me turned in response to the call for dinner, dropped it, ran out, through me, and galloped away across the nettles.
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Grammar and Punctuation
should besaw my mothers face,
saw my mother's face,
Hello GusG!
I am really happy with how smooth this reads. You have a great grasp of grammar and I'm really impressed with the use of punctuation and variety of metaphors and words. My only real critique is that I found a few things which don't quite meet your own standards. Here they are.
As I waded in the smell of crushed nettles and sodden mud, distinct and evocative, greeted and surrounded me.
Some of the branches, dead now, snapped, so that dust rained down, and insects, which squirmed on the ground before righting themselves and scurrying away.
In the corner was the small table I had snuck from inside, with my shell collection on it, beside it the place where I had imagined my bunk was, and, on the floor, the telescope I had used to scour the horizon for pirates.
Points: 196
Reviews: 9
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