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Young Writers Society



One-Way River

by GusG


I had let myself out, after tea and cake and some inconsequential chit-chat, into the garden. As I walked I glanced back and saw my mother's face, wrinkled and smiling, looking out of the bay window; laughing at my sailor’s gait, no doubt. Six months at sea had changed me in more ways than that. Six months; it seemed longer.

I came to the edge of the small island of clipped grass, to the encroaching waves of weeds - topped with a fluffy white spray of elderflower blossom - that continually broke against the shore. As I waded in the smell of crushed nettles and sodden mud, distinct and evocative, greeted and surrounded me. I pushed on further, ducking beneath a branch I once leapt to touch, and clambering over a fallen tree that I had crawled under. My feet grew steadily surer and faster, until, tucked away in the corner of the garden, I found what I had been looking for.

A thick covering of ivy hid it, like a frozen waterfall, or the tentacles of a jelly fish, undulating and intertwined, but dried out and hard, and rough with fibrous hair. I put out a hand to one side of the ivy, to pull it back as I had done before, but in my absence it had fused, and I couldn’t brush it aside like I used to. Some of the branches, dead now, snapped, so that dust rained down, and insects, which squirmed on the ground before righting themselves and scurrying away.

I looked up, and saw inside. Everything was as I had left it. There was the stool I had made from a stump, and the place where I used to pretend to have a stove. In the corner was the small table I had snuck from inside, with my shell collection on it, beside it the place where I had imagined my bunk was, and, on the floor, the telescope I had used to scour the horizon for pirates. I shivered as a younger me turned in response to the call for dinner, dropped it, ran out, through me, and galloped away across the nettles. 


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Thu Sep 01, 2016 12:49 pm
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Grammar and Punctuation

saw my mothers face,
should be
saw my mother's face,


Overall thoughts

Story plot: This was a very simple story plot, but none the less was a joy to read. You told it in a very smooth, almost poetic way. I loved how you continually made references to ocean. This was a great story about looking back at the past.

Characters: Now while there wasn't any dialogue and I didn't get to know the main character's name, I could still relate to him. That part about the hidden part of the garden with the pretend ship was a great way to introduce character.

Description: Right so the description in your story was really what drove the whole story and made it interesting. You made it sound really poetic and colorful. The only problem I had with the description was when you came to the hidden place in the garden. I just feel like you could have given it a more mystic feeling. Maybe say that thin blades of golden day light shone down on the dust room, illuminating the years of collected dust. Just something like that. Don't be afraid to linger a bit. :D

Title: Your title like the rest of your story was very poetic and summed up what the whole story was about. The every raging, never stopping journey of life. :D

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




GusG says...


Thanks for your review. I have corrected the grammar error, and on re-reading I agree that I could have spent longer on the description of the inside of the den, but this was class-work with a 45 minute time limit, so I had to wrap it up quickly.
Again, my thanks,
GusG



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Wed Aug 31, 2016 6:04 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hello GusG!

I am really happy with how smooth this reads. You have a great grasp of grammar and I'm really impressed with the use of punctuation and variety of metaphors and words. My only real critique is that I found a few things which don't quite meet your own standards. Here they are.

As I waded in the smell of crushed nettles and sodden mud, distinct and evocative, greeted and surrounded me.


In this particular patch, there is nothing wrong, it just got awkward with the "distinct and evocative" because that breaks up greeted from what greeted the speaker. It made it a little confusing and at first I thought it was a fragment. It's not! It just sounds awkward.

Some of the branches, dead now, snapped, so that dust rained down, and insects, which squirmed on the ground before righting themselves and scurrying away.


This is another place where you get a little awkward with your lines because of descriptors. If you're talking about branches that are dead, just say dead branches, so it would be "Some of the dead branches snapped" and then I wouldn't suggest using "so that" just say "spraying down dust and insects" Use an active voice! Active verbs!

In the corner was the small table I had snuck from inside, with my shell collection on it, beside it the place where I had imagined my bunk was, and, on the floor, the telescope I had used to scour the horizon for pirates.


This is a case of passive voice and a long sentence. "The small table I had snuck from inside sat in the corner with my shell collection on it. The place where I had imagined my bunk was beside it, and on the floor, the telescope I used to scour the horizon for pirates,"

That breaks up the long sentence, gets rid of some unnecessary words, and puts it into more of an active voice with less was/had verbs.

Overall, your writing is very pretty, and I really like that, but I'm not sure I see the message or the story in this. Is it just a memory? What are you trying to share with the reader? What's the thing we're supposed to take away from this? I sort of see this and think that if you tried to publish it somewhere as it is, the manuscript readers would ask you "so what?" and move on without publishing it, which is a shame because it's so well written.




GusG says...


Thank you very much. I had forgotten all about this until now. I agree with you that the parts you pointed out are awkward, I just couldn't find a way to re-work them - your suggestions are very useful.
As to the meaning, there wasn't one, apart from capturing the sense of loss that passing time always evokes. It was a descriptive piece for school, from the prompt 'describe a place that is special to you', hence the lack of a point.
I'll remember what you wrote about active voice, and I'm working on the long sentences - verbosity is a long-standing problem of mine.
Thanks again,
GusG



Aley says...


It's one of my problems too, I'm glad I can help you fix it.




But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane