Hi Gurkensalat! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for a review! Belated welcome to YWS, by the way! I'm glad you're here!
Let's get started, shall we?
The din from the garden seemed louder than usual. I could make out the voices of our three boys. Then, there were the two lads from next door, of course. But there were also joyful screams and squeals that I could not assign to any of our usual garden guests. Spraying and splashing from the hose implied full-fledged exuberance.
Perfect introduction. You have made an absolutely wonderful Status Quo. The reader can infer that this boisterousness is a good thing-- meaning that something bad is going to happen.
I sat at the desk in my dimmed office. It was already warm but not yet oppressively hot. Summer term was drawing to its end, requiring me to mark a pile of student’s project reports.
Good! You've established that the Point of View is an adult-- a teacher, too.
One thing, though. There should be a comma after "warm".
I tried to atone for my sinful staying indoors by thoroughly paying justice to my student’s achievements. Blocking out the sounds of youthful joy, I focused on disentangling the commingled thoughts and arguments presented in the report before me. In my meticulous minute handwriting, I pointed out blatant blunders, fatal fallacies and obvious omissions, always commenting in kind words of fatherly encouragement, hoping to add a pinch of motivation to my judgement.
I love this descriptive paragraph. Although it has no highlights in it, it shows just how experienced the Point of View is-- and that is certainly very important.
I chose not to worry but to benefit from a short period of silence and get on with my work.
There should be a comma after "worry", and an em dash (or comma. Although em dash is preferred) behind "silence".
I could not stop wondering how big he already was.
I caught myself glaring at the empty door opening for a while. Then, I sighed wistfully and turned back to the project reports.
In those last two quotes, the PoV's character really shows. I can see that he's a loving dad, but also has work. This creates a seriously awesome contrast scene!
I don't know if you are going to continue this, but if you are, then please tag me-- your story is too interesting!
I hope you were satisfied with this review!
Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks
-y0shi
Points: 3381
Reviews: 66
Donate