Published September 7, 2015
You're my chubby little angel.
Friend to each and every fellow
With a bag under his eyeball.
You can film blockbusters just for me,
You'd fly me to England instantly,
Then stop by China on the way back!
You're very loyal; A friend you can trust!
I can throw you across a whole room
Or even beat the stuffing from you,
But you can catch my tears when I cry
And keep some nasty secrets quiet.
You're a friend I can lean on, no doubt.
I'm very grateful for your support,
And now it's time to get back to work.
I love you, Pillow. Have a good night.
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138,943 Literary Works • 672,335 Reviews
I really like this poem, I mean you doesn't like pillows...! The line "You're my chubby little angel" is so great, I like how you describe a pillow that way! I also love how you describe how the pillow holds your dreams and how dreams are, it is very descriptive! My favorite is when you describe crying and secrets, it brings a deep feeling to the end. I love this piece keep up the good work!
I think this poem is great! A poem about a pillow is a little weird, but i like it!
Okay! Let us get you out of the Green Room (to another colour-based room)!
First, the suggestions;
Spoiler
You see, given the first two lines rhyme, I expect another rhyming (or non-rhyming) two lines, since three lines here are not balanced. Here an addition;
I cheat a bit, but you get the point.
There's no need to capitalize letter after semicolon.
Given the other lines are read smoothly without a break, this one kind of distrupts the flow. I suggest you to put "no doubt" in front, like this:
I remove the comma that's supposed to be after "no doubt" to avoid any break/pause when reading.
"Absorb" is better than "catch", it shows the characteristic of the pillow.
Now, to the actual meaning of poem;
Aww, this is just cute an funny. I especially like the last three lines because they feel the most genuine and there's no sense of trying hard there. It gives me an "aww" feeling. xD I think you've done well delivering your ideas - I take it flying from one country to another as you dreaming with your lovely pillow sheltering your head. xD
Apart from that, I want to talk about stanzas. This poem need them, because the lines are sometimes supposed to be in groups. For example, the last four to first line can be separated into a stanze. It gives a sense of neatness to this poem, not to mention it lets reading easier.
That's all! Keep up the good job!
Funny story, I actually did split this poem into stanzas when I first built it on WordPad. I suppose it lost the line breaks sometime during the posting phase... Anyway, thanks for the review!
Well, I think you should review your post and try to use Shift Enter to go to a new line.
Hey Gummy!
This is a cute poem, and it highlights some things that people commonly (at least in books) so with/to there pillows. Personally, I just hug mine. ^-^
There were a few lines that I felt didn't quite fit here.
You mean tired people here, right? With bags under their eyes? That makes sense, but the phrasing makes it sound odd. If you want to keep it mostly the same, try, "with bags lingering under his eyes" but if you want to change it more drastically, so something with droopy eyelids: "with sagging eyelids skipping over his eyes".
These are really the lines that are troubling me- the rest of the poem is about comparing the pillow to a friend, but with things the pillow can actually do- like catch your tears, or you can punch it. However, the pillow doesn't do anything in tear three lines, or rather, it can't. Are you thinking of flying to England in your dreams? If that's what you mean, you might want to remove the blockbuster line and talk about the pillow being a vessel for your dreams, perhaps. However, this is a major change and it's totally up to you.
Nicely done, and good luck writing!
-Falco
Thanks for the review! ^^