The fire engine arrived to late.
There where people running around everywhere. Nobody seemed to know what to do. A woman was crying.
And across the street, hidden in the bushes, four children sat, watching.
Later that same night, in the same city, an experemental hospital was also burned down. No one was hurt in either fire, and both buildings where burnt to the ground. Nothing was left, except some notes. One piece of paper for each of the children that had lived there.
Four notes, three at the house, one at the hospital, as was tradition.
As the firemen tried fruitlessly to put out the two fires, the four children in the forest slipped silently out of the town.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, okay I have to admit the title was the best part about this and what truly drove me in. It just seems like it could be something pretty unique and exciting there so good on you for that choice. As for this prologue of sorts here, I have to say I am surprised at how effective it manages to be. This is very short, barely anything seems to go down and yet you manage to package a lot of stuff into this tiny scene and give us maybe just enough so that as a reader we find ourselves very interested in what is going on here.
The mention of the burning and the notes add so much extra mystery to this despite being like a couple of sentences long and the whole slipping away thing with no explanation whatsoever makes for a very exciting end here. I think you've managed to pull of quite the feat here in such few words and while I'd normally suggest adding a little more detail for a scene to have more of an impact on the reader I honestly think the lack of detail does that same thing for this particular scene. Solid looking start here...one that I feel I'd totally want to know more about.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks! It is a prolouge by the way, i wanted to see if anyone wasa interested before i posted a whole chapter.
As for the mistakes, there must be something wrong with my spellcheker. I'll get right on that.
Thanks again!
-GummiBearNinja
Hello there, GummiBearNinja! Welcome to YWS!
Firstly, I thought that this chapter (I assume it's going to become a novel, right?) was very short and concise, which is a very good thing. Most people don't really have the time to read a lot during their day, so this is a gem. You managed to put in suspense in this short chapter as well.
All that aside, you did have quite a few grammatical and spelling mistakes in this short piece of writing. Remember to always run your work through a word processor, because spellcheck is a writer's best friend. Well, it's not the main reason to do so, but proofreading your writing will make the whole piece more neat and tidy, which will also make your reader's life easier --- by making it more clear.
Other than that, you've done a good job with your prologue/first chapter --- keep writing!
~iceprincess =]