z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Dystopia with no title (If you have ideas give me a shout in the comments)

by Guerillix


Kamron’s head slammed onto the slick, alcohol-stained surface of the bar. As he reeled away from his opponent, the crowd cheered. Bar fights, or any fighting at all, wasn’t common in The Refuge. Most hostility was instantly put down by the Imperium Conglomerate’s soldiers, unless you count dealing with the violence. Where he was, Kamron knew there was no help coming, if that was a good thing was another matter altogether.

His opponent, a nearly seven foot tall, large, bald man with intricate tattoos curving and twisting all over his well muscled body, approached, already winding up for the next crushing blow. Deftly, Kamron stepped back, grabbed the fist that had been thrust forward, and broke the extended arm by ramming the elbow on his knee. The arm snapped with a sickening crack, bending backward at an unnatural angle. With a blood-curdling yowl, the tattooed man collapsed to the floor.

After a moment of nearly complete silence, the crowd roared. Receiving several compliments and even more angry expletives. Kamron settled down with his drink. Suddenly a sniffer, a man on the watch for the military police, dashed in and spoke briefly to the owner who was in the midst of a dazzling display of mixology. Kamron noticed that several veterans of past conflicts gathered up their coats and left, but most of the bar carried on in blissful ignorance. After a couple of seconds of brief consideration, the bartender, a well rounded man with an impressive amount of facial hair, dimmed the lights.

As the last rowdy bar hopper fell silent, the bearded barkeep addressed the crowd, “I have just received word that the police are on the move near our position, we need to evacuate now. Staff, take your position.”

As Kamron moved to follow the rest of the usuals out the back exit he noticed the staff taking up spots like ordinary customers.

He chuckled to himself, “I guess an empty bar making all that noise would be pretty suspicious.”

The owner grinned, “This plan is the only reason we are still around, without it, I’d been shut down long ago.”

As he left Kamron dimly perceived the rumble of approaching squad trucks.

Once all the late night drinkers were out in the alley, floodlights came on and a voice boomed on a loudspeaker, “You are surrounded, put your hands on your head and remain silent. You have violated section 8 of the Imperium codes. Please stand down or we will use force.”

As the small crowd milled around and the policeman carried on with his speech, Kamron slipped to the back of the crowd and snuck back into the bar. There were several policemen inside, arresting the remaining staff. Crouching behind a table, Kamron waited until the last of the police had escorted the planted staff out into the trucks. Then he popped out, and stole over to the door. As he opened the door, he saw the trucks full of people pull away, probably to a restoration camp. Prisons were wasteful, most punishments involved being on a workforce.

It started to drizzle, but soon became a downpour. As Kamron walked to his quarters, he was approached by a shady character. The man was short, but he had a wiry toughness to his stature. He wore a grey overcoat that almost brushed the ground. The middle of the coat was open revealing a red hornet, the symbol of the street gang “The Hornets.” He wore a hat that hid his face, but Kamron could make out an unshaved chin.

“Hey, I saw you whip that giant of a man in the bar, me and the rest of the gang could use a guy like you. What’s your name?”

“My name is Kamron Gredoir. What is yours?”

“My name is Marley, but that isn’t important. What I need to know is will you join the Hornets. Answer quickly, I believe I was tailed.”

“One question, What’s the pay?”

Marley grinned, “You’re in.”

After receiving contact information and the location of the Hornet headquarters, Kamron retired to his block for the night.

Later, in his quarters, After showering, and throwing on some fresh clothes, he was in the middle of checking the latest news reports when he heard a scuffling in the hallway. Taking account of this, Kamron continued to fiddle with the dial of his radio while stealthily palming his pistol into his overcoat pocket. Several seconds later, Kamron heard the hollow clinking sound of a tin can rolling across concrete. Just before it would have been too late, Kamron dodged into the bathroom a split second before a blinding flash of light flared in the main room.

Flashbangs were commonly used to arrest low priority targets with minimal cost and non lethal submission. Kamron had seen this tactic used several times before. But now, instead of laying blind and helpless in the middle of the floor, he had the upper hand, at least in surprise, on the cops that were sure to barge in promptly. Kamron heard them enter.

“Where’s ‘is body?” One of them said

“It’s sure to be around here somewhere. Maybe he collapsed by the bed.” That voice sounded too familiar, Kamron almost recognised it.

It spoke again, “That’s funny, he’s not layin’ around here anywhere.”

“Check the side room and the closet.” said a third voice evidently the other two’s commanding officer. “Traiy, you go to the car and get some thermal scanners, he may have a concealed room.”

“Yes sir.” Said that all too familiar voice.

Then it struck him, the voice, he knew who it belonged to. “That traitorous little-”

Suddenly, breaking Kamron out of his reverie, a soldier entered the bathroom. Luckily, Kamron had crouched behind the cabinet next to the door. As the soldier ventured further into the room, Kamron Pulled the legs out from under him, pulled out his switchblade, and savagely slit the throat of the soldier.

With one soldier taken out, Kamron crept towards the side room to confront the leader of the squad. Going into the room, he found the leader diligently investigating the closet back wall for creases. Dashing across the rather small secondary room, Kamron Rammed his still drawn switchblade into the leader’s back. Simultaneously covering his mouth, a picturesque stealth takedown. With all but one of the soldiers taken care of, only Traiy remained. Traiy.

Kamron didn’t know why but he slipped out into the empty hall and traversed the intricate system of hallways until he broke out into the rain and dark. He headed to the only place he could think of to go, the Hornet’s Nest. That was what the people called the broken down skyscraper outside the city limits where the Hornets made their home.


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79 Reviews


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Reviews: 79

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Mon May 30, 2016 3:48 pm
CateRose17 wrote a review...



Hey there! I loved the opening, it was action packed and it grabs the attention of the reader rather quickly, great job there. I was not confused at all with the fighting technique, you had everything to the last detail there and showed the extent of the fight rather well. The broken arm was a great part, it actually made me cringe- and nothing ever makes me cringe. There was a question that I asked myself as I read. Was there any uneasiness being felt by your main character when the gang member showed up? Some doubt on the Main Character's part could be used because he wouldn't know if he was a friend or foe. And unless he was planning on joining the gang prior to the meeting with Marley, he would have to think about it and not just say yes right on the spot. Again, great job with the fighting and killing the soldiers, some great imagery with the precise movements. Hope I did good with the review, I'm new to this! Happy writing:)




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Points: 265
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Sat May 28, 2016 2:43 am
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jwes says...



Firstly, why would the staff willingly have themselves arrested? It doesn't make sense to me. Especially in a dystopian environment where everyone else is out to save their own asses. I suppose they might have a 'deal' or the knowledge that they will be let free. But still, is it something they would gamble? It seems like there's not much to gain for them with plenty to lose.

Secondly, your main character seems a little too open with his information. If you think about yourself, if a roughed up dude came up to you, propositioned you to join his gang and asked for your name, would you give it to him? Especially after you'd been in a bar fight with a stranger who could have been a gangmember himself AND after you'd almost been arrested (undercover cops in dystopia are common). Your main character doesn't seem naiive, but he acts like it here and...

...in the final part. It's surely a better idea for him to hide from the patrol. If the patrol finds out that 2 of their officers had been killed while looking for a particular suspect, its pretty obvious what happened. Not the kind of thing you would want to do if you were trying to keep a low profile or trying to join a gang (especially one as big and famous as The Hornets). The Hornets would surely not like a fugitive running from the po-po. A lot more trouble than its worth, especially since the prospect has only proven himself by breaking another person's arm.

I know this sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to plug holes for you so you don't have to wait until you're 10k words deep to realize. I'm also very pedantic - but then things like this can turn potential readers off, so its good to know.

I don't want to end the review on a bad note, so instead I'll say this - the opening was awesome. It's not often that you have the hero losing a fight to begin with. It was fresh and intriguing and was the sole reason why I kept reading this. You have a good idea going here, I'll be happy to read your next installment.

By the way - this isn't something I do often BUT if you're keen, send me a PM, I'd like to bounce some ideas with you since we are writing in the same genre. Maybe we can help each other!




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Points: 265
Reviews: 3

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Sat May 28, 2016 2:37 am
jwes wrote a review...



Firstly, why would the staff willingly have themselves arrested? It doesn't make sense to me. Especially in a dystopian environment where everyone else is out to save their own asses. I suppose they might have a 'deal' or the knowledge that they will be let free. But still, is it something they would gamble? It seems like there's not much to gain for them with plenty to lose.

Secondly, your main character seems a little too open with his information. If you think about yourself, if a roughed up dude came up to you, propositioned you to join his gang and asked for your name, would you give it to him? Especially after you'd been in a bar fight with a stranger who could have been a gangmember himself AND after you'd almost been arrested (undercover cops in dystopia are common). Your main character doesn't seem naiive, but he acts like it here and...

...in the final part. It's surely a better idea for him to hide from the patrol. If the patrol finds out that 2 of their officers had been killed while looking for a particular suspect, its pretty obvious what happened. Not the kind of thing you would want to do if you were trying to keep a low profile or trying to join a gang (especially one as big and famous as The Hornets). The Hornets would surely not like a fugitive running from the po-po. A lot more trouble than its worth, especially since the prospect has only proven himself by breaking another person's arm.

I know this sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to plug holes for you so you don't have to wait until you're 10k words deep to realize. I'm also very pedantic - but then things like this can turn potential readers off, so its good to know.

I don't want to end the review on a bad note, so instead I'll say this - the opening was awesome. It's not often that you have the hero losing a fight to begin with. It was fresh and intriguing and was the sole reason why I kept reading this. You have a good idea going here, I'll be happy to read your next installment.

By the way - this isn't something I do often BUT if you're keen, send me a PM, I'd like to bounce some ideas with you since we are writing in the same genre. Maybe we can help each other!




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11 Reviews


Points: 596
Reviews: 11

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Fri May 27, 2016 10:47 am
Deskro wrote a review...



~Deskreview~

I actually enjoyed this piece, it reminds me a lot of the novel I'm working on at the moment (I guess dystopia is f.o.t.m.).

There are a few issues I notice here however, which are subtle mostly but still irk me (mild OCD I guess).

Firstly, why would the staff willingly have themselves arrested? It doesn't make sense to me. Especially in a dystopian environment where everyone else is out to save their own asses. I suppose they might have a 'deal' or the knowledge that they will be let free. But still, is it something they would gamble? It seems like there's not much to gain for them with plenty to lose.

Secondly, your main character seems a little too open with his information. If you think about yourself, if a roughed up dude came up to you, propositioned you to join his gang and asked for your name, would you give it to him? Especially after you'd been in a bar fight with a stranger who could have been a gangmember himself AND after you'd almost been arrested (undercover cops in dystopia are common). Your main character doesn't seem naiive, but he acts like it here and...

...in the final part. It's surely a better idea for him to hide from the patrol. If the patrol finds out that 2 of their officers had been killed while looking for a particular suspect, its pretty obvious what happened. Not the kind of thing you would want to do if you were trying to keep a low profile or trying to join a gang (especially one as big and famous as The Hornets). The Hornets would surely not like a fugitive running from the po-po. A lot more trouble than its worth, especially since the prospect has only proven himself by breaking another person's arm.

I know this sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to plug holes for you so you don't have to wait until you're 10k words deep to realize. I'm also very pedantic - but then things like this can turn potential readers off, so its good to know.

I don't want to end the review on a bad note, so instead I'll say this - the opening was awesome. It's not often that you have the hero losing a fight to begin with. It was fresh and intriguing and was the sole reason why I kept reading this. You have a good idea going here, I'll be happy to read your next installment.

By the way - this isn't something I do often BUT if you're keen, send me a PM, I'd like to bounce some ideas with you since we are writing in the same genre. Maybe we can help each other!

Peace.

EDIT: just remembered you needed a name suggestion. It's hard to come up with a title when the story is so young. I have no idea what it's about yet. From what I've read it could be something like: "The Hornet's Nest." But from what I can assume is going to happen maybe something like "The Swarm."




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Fri May 27, 2016 5:05 am
SacredPen says...



Oh. P.S., a good title would probably be Imperial Takedown or Hornet's Sting, depending on the flow of the story.




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24 Reviews


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Fri May 27, 2016 5:04 am
SacredPen wrote a review...



"It was at this moment, he knew...he messed up."- Unknown

WOW. Okay. You...uh...you got me! I'm pretty impressed with how you pulled that off. I'm a sucker for action dystopias and corrupted worlds where a random street dog fights back and beats the streets. It ignites the hype within me almost as much as finding weapons in a horror game (that actually work), and it's a topic I hold in high regard. You, sir, did a fantastic job establishing your main character, proving that even the streets can produce pretty effective handlers of business (for lack of better adjective.). In most dystopian fictions I've seen, the main characters usually suffer from lack of common sense or sense in general, and the smarter people are usually the helplessly corrupted ones. It's nice to see you break that cliche, and I think it'd be a good idea to implement a sort of "Fire-Emblem, ragtag group of mercenaries" sort of thing to really get the character development and theme creation wheel spinning. Other than that, good job with it, and I hope everything goes good for the next one!




Guerillix says...


Thanks for your help, This actually started out as a school assignment, but know I think I might just keep writing.



SacredPen says...


The story I currently have posted WAS my English assignment. Got an A.




Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
— William Gaddis