Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Nobody spoke that day. It was a day of remembrance. A day of mourning. It was a time to look back and remember the man that changed their world.
He wasn’t too old when he passed. And the GC had yet to find out the cause of the death of Crewman Denze. Rick Denze. His motivations were what made him so likeable. But for others, he was a problem. An obstacle. Some object in the way. He was like a large, oak tree that fell on a road after a massive storm.
So they eliminated him. But no one knew who they were. Or that they were the ones behind Denze’s death. And no one was to ever find out.
A man stood up. He had a wrinkly face. His mouth curved down, in somewhat of a natural frown. He wasn’t large, and nor was he malnourished-looking. But nonetheless, he was very old. “I would like to address this sorrow moment in history,” he spoke. His words were slow, but fluid at the same time. He continued, “A man, that has embraced this beloved ship full of life, peace, and unity, with his knowledge and protection, has passed. Crewman Denze will be remembered. His actions will be continued. His efforts will not go to waste. The Governing Crew will make it their duty to find the reason behind his death, and we will avenge him.” Some people in the vast crowd sobbed quietly, as others whispered. Murmurs could be heard throughout. “We all understood that he had no family of his own, but we were wrong. We were his family. He loved every soul on this ship dearly, and did whatever it took to protect us.”
The man left the podium, while the sea of bodies clapped and hollered. There were cries echoing, “Long live Denze!”. The old man, Shipmaster Modeth, scanned the crowd. Although he wanted to, he himself could not cry. His display of sorrow emotions in front of the audience as well as on every screen in the ship would destroy the morale of the populace. He stood there, firm as a rock. His eyes looked cold, and almost sinister, but there was something about him that made him seem trustworthy. Was it his age? His lineage? The Shipmaster himself could not explain why so many entrusted him with the burden of commanding this ship. He was old. Modeth thought that no one his age or with similar health problems should be fit to direct the Governing Crew.
The Governing Crew dated back several hundred years. (Yes, the ship had existed all this time). It was a form of government and part of what the populace jokingly referred to as the “Neocracy”. The GC had access to everyone’s thoughts, ideas, and movements. They controlled the lives of everyone. They monitored the decks, halls, and every one of the rooms throughout The Emerald. Most were not aware, but many just didn’t care or want to know. “It’s not like they can kill any of us with the press of the button, right?”. People still had freedoms that had been adopted from The Constitution of Four Planets. Although these freedoms were minimal compared to the ways of the Earth Era, no one complained.
Well, most didn’t complain.
Occasionally, there would be small uprisings in different sectors of The Emerald. Fires would start, streets trashed, glass shattered, and vehicles knocked over. The GC’s goal was to try and prevent any of this from happening. With uncontrolled riots, ideas from the reformists on the streets could spread. But of course, the small radical groups were always stopped. They crept back into their burrows, only to lash back once again.
“Hey, did you hear? One of the GC’s guys just died,” the seventeen year-old girl said to the group.
“Yeah, Jane, we heard… It must’ve been a big deal or something. People were crowded around Old Bones and crying. When does anyone cry nowadays?” Taja looked at her friend, then back out the window. ‘Old Bones’ had been a name that they developed over the years for Modeth. As a minor group of radicals, they naturally had a deep hatred for someone like him. Taja stared outside from her group’s capsule. She had a perfect view of the streets and the clutter outside. The vast number of people that had arrived for Denze’s remembrance speech, hadn’t left yet. They milled around, as if waiting for something big to take place.
“This is insane!” Jane shouted. Taja turned to face her. Jane’s dark auburn hair was shining in the little light that was entering their group’s capsule. “They don’t understand a thing! They don’t understand what the Neocracy is doing to them! Those idiots!”
“Jane, listen,” Taja started, “Those idiots you’re referring to? They will never understand. We created this group for a reason. We worry about the GC; those idiots will worship them.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Jane had a habit of bursting out, ranting. But it was always Taja that calmed her down. Jane was the fire, and Taja, her extinguisher.
“Hey, Taja?” said Jane, looking up at her.
“Hmm?”
“What does ‘idiot’ mean anyways?”
“Oh… Well… It’s a pretty old word― You know, ‘Earth old’. It just means someone that’s a chip, I guess.”
“Yeah, that makes sense now.” Jane hadn’t learned much about Earth. In fact nobody in her or the generation before her's knew much about Earth. But whatever Jane learned, she received from Taja. Taja was a one-of-a-kind sisterly figure in Jane's life. Although being an orphan, (especially on a high-class Bio Ship like The Emerald), was a rare commodity, Jane was one. Her parents had been erased from the Personnel Log, and Jane soon came to realize that she had to create an identity of her own. Her parents could never be recalled from her memories.
Jane had always blamed the GC for erasing her memories, but she never could come up with a reason of why they would do something like that. Wasn’t the GC supposed to be protecting everyone? Didn’t their methods revolve around honor? Jane could never rationalize the statements she made about the GC, so she labeled them as a “sinister” organization. Her life on The Emerald had been depressing, and yet, there could be something that she could do to fix that. Something like correcting everyone’s preconceived notions about the Neocracy on this ship. Or perhaps, rebelling out in public, and in the process, form a bigger riot altogether. Jane would need support if she were ever to even organize something small.
So Jane searched.
She searched for the right people. People like her. People with the same motives as her. But most importantly, people that were young. Having an older mind on her espionage would not bode well. It was said that when people got to a certain age, they were taken as a part of the GC. They became slaves to the Neocracy. “Neocratic Workers” they called them. It was also said that the people in power never let you decide what your profession would be. Nothing was up to you. Only the council decided such things. It didn’t matter to them, and if you tried to go against their will, you were thrown into The Sphere.
No one ever came out of The Sphere. In fact, if you saw The Sphere, it was only if you were being thrown in to rot away.
Jane found most of her group out on the streets, in-between pods and under the light-bridges. Wherever it was dark, there was hope. She found every helpful adolescent and gave them opportunities to make a change. But what Jane promised them, never came to be. It would take a while before any change was made.
______________________________________________________________________
After several months of searching, Jane came across a child. A very young girl, probably in her pre-teen years.
“Hey, kid,” Jane said. She tried her best to sound soft, but a child of the streets like herself could never do such a thing. The girl whipped around. Her eyes widened as she started to slowly back away. Her feet stepped in the puddles on the ground. It wasn’t raining. It never rained. The young blonde girl’s boots hissed as they stepped in the liquid that had pooled on the ground. The fumes of burning rubber filled the air. “Hey… Don’t be scared… I’m Jane, I’m just here to--.” The girl bolted. Jane sprinted right after her.
This was not going as planned. The girl was fast. Really fast. Jane kept tailing her, and didn’t stop. The girl jumped over concrete blocks and rubble with ease. She kept her focus on the path in front of her, vaulting anything in her way. She leaped and bounded, her boots scraping the rocks and splashing in the acidic waste. Jane stumbled. This girl was the exact material that she needed. Her agility. Her grace. Jane’s lungs were on fire. She started to slow down. Her breath became raspy, and her legs ached. Eventually, Jane just couldn’t go any further. She bent over, struggling to catch her breath.
The young girl halted to a stop. She turned around and smirked. And then she was off again.
“Brat,” Jane panted.
Jane came back the next day, this time with a friend. “Are you sure you can do this?” Jane asked.
“Look at who you’re talking to! Of course I can catch the girl!” Alexia exclaimed. She had been one of the first members in Jane’s group. With her entrance, many more were eager to join. Jane had practically assembled her own armada. Alexia’s pale complexion made her stand out. Many people were still pale, but Alexia was one-of-a-kind. She striking aqua-colored eyes, and silky dark hair. Although Jane and Alexia didn’t seem very compatible, they loved each other like sisters. Alexia was rebellious by nature, and although Jane did get mad easily, she seemed to coop up all that anger for a majority of each day.
They walked up the street. It was the same area where Jane had found the girl. She and Alexia scanned the premises. Trash and waste littered the alleys. Smoke rose up from various spots on the ground. A couple people hobbled out of the debris that surrounded them.
“God, I hate this place,” Aexia commented.
“Hey, you said you’d be fine. Next time, I’m asking Taja to come along,” replied Jane. The reason Jane had taken Alexia along with her was because she was one of the fastest friends she had. Taja didn’t know that Alexia and Jane were on a “mission” to recruit new kids. In fact, if Taja knew, she’d burst. Jane couldn’t handle that stress right now.
The two girls kept clambering over waste and broken down pieces of buildings. The Outskirts was not a good place to be. Every once in a while, the two would pass by rotting bodies or dried up skeletons, still covered in ragged and deteriorated clothing. Alexia’s jet-black hair no longer shimmered. The light was dimming around them. The fluorescent pink streaks in her hair, however, began to glow. Something shattered behind them.
A figure began to slowly slide down the large hill of waste. At first. Alexia and Jane thought that it may have been a bandit, so they cautiously drew out their plasma blades. As the figure drew closer, Jane recognized her. It was the girl. She dropped down, and looked up at the two girls.
“Please… Don’t hurt me. I promise I won’t run this time."
"We promise we won't do anything to you. Who exactly are you?" Jane asked. She looked into the girl's emerald eyes, and the girl looked straight back.
"My name is Alice. Alice Denze."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Okay time for that review I promised XD

So overall, you greatly improved since the first chapter. It is a good length and not as much problems with the commas as the first. What I'd like to say though is that this feels like a first chapter rather that the second. Another suggestion of mine would be to move the first chapter as a prologue and this one as the first.
Nitpicks/comments/suggestions:
-"He was like a large, oak tree that fell on a road after a massive storm."
No comma after 'large'
I like the imagery
-"He stood there, firm as a rock."
No comma needed.
A suggestion (in general) is to use semi-colons in your writing. It gives the sentences more variety.
- "The GC had access to everyone’s thoughts, ideas, and movements. They controlled the lives of everyone."
G.C.*
And woah. Controlling the lives of everyone? Questions: How many people are on The Emerald and is the G.C. just for the ship or the whole country?
I really like the world building in this paragraph.
- "The Governing Crew dated back several hundred years. (Yes, the ship had existed all this time)."
Like the previous reviewer said, I think the parentheses info kind of disrupts the flow and doesn't really match the tone of the story. The story is somewhat gloomy and I really feel a dystopian vibe. The parentheses sounds sort of casual.
- "She tried her best to sound soft, but a child of the streets like herself could never do such a thing."
Okay so the ship has streets or are they off of the ship?
No comma needed.
- "Alexia exclaimed."
My name's Alexis! Heheh sorry just had to say it
-“God, I hate this place,” Aexia commented."
Alexia*
-"My name is Alice. Alice Denze."
Gasp! Cliffhanger! I like cliffhangers...
So I'm assuming the crewman, Rick Denze, is the father of Alice Denze...
All in all, you've done a great job! Full of suspense and very entertaining to read. I really like the world building and the imagery in here. Keep writing!
Thanks for the "nit-picky" comments! They actually helped... And I'll be sure to make the right changes
Alright. I want to start out by saying that this was very well written. Not many people have such a great writing quality about them. I have to admit, chapter one I had my doubts, but by the end of chapter two I was completely drawn into the story.
The characters were awesome! I could tell that they were close, and I could also tell that it wasn't going to be some Twilight romance book. It was refreshing!
With that established, I want to suggest a couple things. The first one that bothered me was the description. Don't get me wrong, the description was amazing, but throughout the whole chapter I seldom read description of the setting. I only found out halfway through that they were on a ship of some kind. Since it is the second chapter, I think you should establish what the area looks like. The fact that it didn't had that made me a little lost.
Also another thing. I felt like the girl was very special somehow, but I didn't know why Jane wanted her. I understand that she needed allies but it sounded like she was searching seven months for that specific girl. I'm not sure if this was intended or not.
One more thing, it's kind of a nit-pick. "The Governing Crew dated back several hundred years. (Yes, the ship had existed all this time)"
I don't know if you forgot to remove the note, but it seemed like the stuff in the parenthesis broke the third wall, and broke my immersion into the story.
All in all, it was a great chapter. I liked it a lot and will defiantly follow you for more. Keep up this awesome work!
I want to thank you for your honesty! You really made me see my shortcomings, so thank you
I want to thank you for your honesty! You really made me see my shortcomings, so thank you
Anytime!
Hey! FireBird99 here for a review!
.
So I am going to skip right in to Chapter 2 because its review day and we are suppose to clear out the Green Room. I usually would start from the beginning but today is an exception
I really loved the suspense and action of this piece. I did find that your paragraphs were a little bit long and sometimes I felt lost in them but with some careful editing you could fix that right up. One tip I have for you though is when someone is talking and then it goes into a description you have a new paragraph. For example:
~Some things to fix up-
Here you go from the crowd saying, "Long live Denze!" to describing the old man. Put a new paragraph in between them and split it up so that it isn't so hard on your readers eyes.
Here I felt as if it jumped right in to fast. You were explaining to us how everything worked an then all of a sudden BOOM! we were there. I know that when you put a line or some stars in the middle of the page it means you're going to a different character or time has passed but I think you need to give us a quick reminder of what she was searching for. How many people has she gathered since then?
Again this jumped in to fast. If you worded it in a different way we wouldn't really notice. Try fix that up
I found that in this chapter there was a lot of telling instead of showing. Now I'm not one to talk because I've been told my novel is like that but I figured I'd help you out an point this out to you. Here is a link that one of my friends gave to me to a topic that helps you out with understanding how to show. Show and Tell I hope it helps
What I liked~
I liked the suspense and how original this piece is. It was entertaining to read and you did a good job writing it. I think I may just have to read your others
Awesome writing. Keep it up!
~Fire
I cannot express my gratitude! Thanks for pointing this all out! I will get on to fixing all of that right away!
You're welcome =).
This piece was very suspenseful. I liked it a lot, and I hope for you to continue. Seeing this has inspired me to try and work harder on my own works.
In this work, I noticed a lot of dramatic pauses in the middle, to give a dramatic scene. I liked that, and it really made the chapter, in my opinion.
This work is one of the better pieces I've seen around these days, but it looks as if it is intended not for children, or adults, but a young adult novel?
Young adult novel indeed! Thanks for all the compliments!
You're welcome! Considering the difference between how good your work is, and how mine is, maybe you can give me some advise on some chapters before I post them? I'd appreciate it, if you wouldn't mind.
Yeah, I could do that. Is there any way you could share the chapters with me before you posted them? I think if you created a private forum of something, we might be able to work something out.