Young Writers Society

Yes, randomness. I found this after having forgotten about it for about 4 or 5 years. I put it up for your enjoyment. Think about it: this is how funny I was then...

Stage setting: A castle courtyard, decked out with banners and pink balloons

Characters: King Duke of York (dressed in a clown costume), Queen Fifi, Princess Sophia, The Dark Knight, various Vikings (in the football team uniform, at least 2), Butler, Messenger/Bard, Valley Girl Party Guests (at least 3), Prince Charming

Scene 1

(Princess SOPHIA is sitting on the ground, with her lip out in a pout. DUKE is weakly trying to entertain her by honking his nose and pulling a handkerchief from under his arm. FIFI is hovering over her daughter with a forced smile on her face. A table with an elaborate cake is over on STAGE LEFT.)

FIFI: (Trying to coax a smile out of SOPHIA with no luck.) Sophia, dear, you really must get off the ground. Your new party dress with be simply ruined.

SOPHIA: I don't care!

FIFI: How about a piece of cake? (Walks toward the cake.)

SOPHIA: (Shakes her head violently.) NO!

DUKE: (Throws up his hands in exasperation. As he does so, his wig falls off and several various pieces of equipment for magic tricks fall out of his coat and pant legs.) Come now dear, cheer up. This is your 15th birthday.

SOPHIA: (Around her pout.) But Father, I'm too old for balloons and clowns. I wanted an all night party with a DJ and a nonstop collection of dance hits.

DUKE: (Wearily, as if they have gone over this many times before.) You mean, you wanted boys over...

SOPHIA: (Standing eagerly.) Yes! Thank you, thank you, th-

DUKE: (Interrupting.) No, I did not give you permission. Dear, I think that you are simply too immature for dating. Girls your age are too young for that sort of thing.

SOPHIA: (Stamps her foot and pouts even more. Using 'toddler-throwing-fit' voice.) I AM NOT too IMMATURE!

BUTLER: (Enters from STAGE RIGHT.) Excuse me, sir.

DUKE: Not now! (Rips his clown shoes off angrily and stands in multicolored striped socks that are too long.)

BUTLER: But sir, the castle is being invaded by savage Vikings.

DUKE: (With interest.) Vikings?

BUTLER: Yes sir.

(A person wearing a '# 1' finger runs across STAGE, hotly pursued by three Vikings with football jerseys and shoulder pads, with footballs under their right arms and their left hands extended for a field run.)

PERSON: No! No, please!

VIKINGS: ARRR!!!

SOPHIA: (sighs) They're all so big and strong with their shoulder pads... (FIFI claps a hand over her mouth.)

(Following all this is a boy waddling in with an equipment bag nearly as big as he is. He sets it down, pushes up his glasses with a finger and waves at the audience.)

LOUIE: Hi, I'm Louie.

VIKING (offstage): Yo! Ball boy!

(Boy turns and bends down to pick up his bag. 'Equipment Geek' is printed in large letters on the back of his too-big jersey. He waddles offstage.)

DUKE: Vikings! In my castle! We're all doomed! (Dives for the cake table, knocks the cake over, but FIFI catches it before it tumbles to the ground.)

BUTLER: (nods) Too true sir. I do believe that all is lost. But I do have good news.

DUKE: What's that?

BUTLER:I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geicho.

FIFI: (thoughtfully) That IS good news.

SOPHIA: (stamps her foot once again) This is the greatest moment of my young life! Dozens of hot guys in uniforms invading my party and all of you stand around talking car insurance. Why would I care about car insurance? I can't even hope to drive for another 6 months!

BUTLER: If I may suggest something sir, our only hope may be to summon the greatest of the great knights. He may be able to save us.

DUKE: You mean... You mean the Dark Knight?

BUTLER: (nods) Yes sir.

FIFI: (fearfully) Yes! Yes indeed! Call him quickly!

(A VIKING rushes in and cuts himself a piece from the cake FIFI is still holding.)

DUKE: Call in the messenger!

(Butler exits RIGHT. After a beat, he RE-ENTERS with MESSENGER, who pulls a large wagon with a bulky object covered with a dark sheet.)

VIKING: (through mouthful of cake) What's that?

(With a dramatic flourish, MESSENGER whips the cloth off the object, revealing a bat signal. He reaches behind and flicks a switch and the signal lights up.)

VIKING: (drops the cake in wordless horror) No, not the... (runs OFFSTAGE)

DARK KNIGHT: (enters STAGE RIGHT, dressed as Batman.) Where's the commissioner?

(MESSENGER and BUTLER exit STAGE RIGHT)

DUKE: Commissioner? Commissioner of what?

DARK KNIGHT: (rolls his eyes) Of Gothom. Where do you think?

DUKE: (a little confused) Well, I dunno. Uh, this is York and I'm King Duke, the noble Duke of York.

DARK KNIGHT: Ah yes, and you usually wear that ridiculous outfit? No offense, but it makes you look like you have a problem.

SOPHIA: (scoffs) Oh, look who's talking! The guy in the bat costume.

DARK KNIGHT: This 'bat costume' that you are mocking is the weapon of fear I use in pursuit of those filthy creatures that dare to defile the great laws set down by this city of Gothom.

DUKE: York.

DARK KNIGHT: Whatever. What is the problem here anyway?

(BARD enters stage RIGHT, carrying harp or drum)

BARD: (in sing-song tone) Vikings plague us,

Theirs are strength and speed,

'Tis milady's 15th birthday and

It's a hero that we need

(BARD exits stage LEFT)

DARK KNIGHT: I see. What is it that you want me to do about this problem of yours?

(VALLEY GIRL PARTY GUESTS enter stage RIGHT, carrying various gifts)

VGPG #1: Oh my gosh, like, we were, like, on our way up to the drawbridge when, like, this really, like, rude guy in a, like, football suit, like, nearly pushed us into the moat. Oh my gosh, but like, your alligators are, like, maneaters…

DUKE: We have alligators?

VGPG #2: Yeah, and they were, like, really mean.

VGPG #3: (sobbing) I think I, like, broke a nail.

(ALL VGPG SCREAM)

ALL VGPG: Oh my gosh!!!

(ALL VGPG begin to weep and give sympathetic looks to #3)

DARK KNIGHT: (clears throat) Um, look, I know you’ve all been through a harrowing experience. I’ll do my best to help you recover from it.

VGPG #2: Oh my gosh, like, who are you?

SOPHIA: Isn’t anyone here sane?

(BARD enters stage LEFT, still carrying instrument)

BARD (in sing-song tone): He is the one to save our skins,

From this horrible Viking plight,

He saves the world, with Robin too,

He is known as the Dark Knight.

DARK KNIGHT: Where are these Vikings anyway?

(A person wearing a '# 1' finger runs across STAGE again, hotly pursued by three Vikings with football jerseys and shoulder pads, with footballs under their right arms and their left hands extended for a field run.)

VIKINGS: ARRR!!!

(DARK KNIGHT sneezes and doesn’t see them as they run behind him.)

DUKE: There!

DARK KNIGHT: (looks around) Where?

SOPHIA: Why me?

FIFI: (to VGPG, who are all still sobbing quietly) Come now, dears, let’s go and see about that nail. (takes #3 hand and examines it) Nothing a little manicure can’t cure.

VGPG #3: (eagerly raising her head) Manicure?

(ALL VGPG scream and exit with FIFI stage RIGHT)

DARK KNIGHT: (to BARD, who is still standing there) What are you still doing here?

BARD (in sing-song tone): I stay to see what may unfold,

Whether good or ill prevail,

For such things make for songs,

That draw a coin to buy an ale…

DARK KNIGHT: Is there anyway to shut him up? “That draw a coin to buy an ale?” What kind of poetry is that?

(BARD begins to beat/strum again at the instrument and opens his mouth to speak, but DARK KNIGHT cuts him off with a hand)

DARK KNIGHT: Never mind. I don’t want to know…

DUKE: But he must answer. If not, he’ll implode from lack of audience and reduce to the size of a hockey puck.

DARK KNIGHT: If so, good riddance.

(BARD begins to shake, then runs off stage LEFT with his hand over his mouth as if to hold back vomit)

DARK KNIGHT: Now, again, where are those Vikings and what do you want me to do about them?

DUKE: Well, I, uh…

(ALL VIKINGS enter from VARIOUS DIRECTIONS and stand facing DARK KNIGHT, SOPHIA and DUKE, who runs to hide behind SOPHIA)

VIKINGS: ARRR!!!

DARK KNIGHT: Stand back, you slithering worms, and taste the bite of my bat-a-rang!

(DARK KNIGHT reaches into a pocket on his belt, but comes out emptyhanded)

DARK KNIGHT: Oh yeah, the ushers took it away from me. Something about being potentially used as a weapon… (snaps fingers in disgust)

SOPHIA: Oh for crying out loud…

(SOPHIA shakes off DUKE and exits stage LEFT. DUKE panics and runs off stage RIGHT. The VIKINGS chuckle wickedly and begin to advance slowly on DARK KNIGHT. SOPHIA enters stage LEFT carrying a large inflatable hammer and hits each VIKING on the head with it. VIKINGS fall as if unconscious.)

SOPHIA: This is the worst day of my life!!!

(PRINCE CHARMING enters up CENTER)

PRINCE CHARMING: That sounds like the call of a damsel in distress if ever I heard one!(Pulls out a mirror, admiring himself.)

(VGPG ALL enter in stage RIGHT)

VGPG #2: Oh my gosh, it’s, like, Prince Charming!

(ALL VGPG scream and began to run towards Prince Charming, who regards them with a charming smile)

PRINCE CHARMING: Hello there girls! (Puts his arms around the lot and kisses the nearest one on the forehead)

(ALL VGPG scream and swoon as they exit stage RIGHT while screaming. PRINCE CHARMING smiles broader)

DARK KNIGHT: Who are you?

(BARD enters stage LEFT)

BARD (in sing-song tone): He’s…

DARK KNIGHT: (barking) Shut up! (regards the BARD thoughtfully) Why aren’t you the size of a hockey puck?

(BARD shrugs and opens mouth to speak, but DARK KNIGHT holds up a hand and stops him. BARD shakes and runs offstage LEFT once again.)

PRINCE CHARMING: Now what did you do that for?

DARK KNIGHT: You try listening to a rhyme everytime you ask a question. And not just a rhyme, but a bad rhyme.

PRINCE CHARMING: I already have… That’s my third cousin’s nephew’s brother’s roommate, twice removed. My father recommended he get out of the house, so he became a bard and got hired here. If he implodes from lack of audience, I’ll hold his hockey-puck sizeness on your head.

(Explosion noise offstage)

ALL: Gasp!

(A small black disk, a hockey puck, rolls across stage)

PRINCE CHARMING: You shall pay for this, you bat-dressing freak!

DARK KNIGHT: What’s that over there? (points offstage LEFT) Gasp!

PRINCE CHARMING: Where? (shades his eyes with hand)

(DARK KNIGHT pulls up his leg as if to kick PRINCE CHARMING from behind, but then changes his mind and tiptoes off stage RIGHT)

PRINCE CHARMING: Sheldon!

(BARD enters stage LEFT)

BARD (in sing-song tone): No need to ask, I shall explain,

The answer coming, clear and plain,

Outside, the blacksmith heard my song,

And broke a hammer with his tongs

PRINCE CHARMING: Er yes, that explains everything, doesn’t it?

SOPHIA: So that black thing was the hammerhead?

BARD (in sing-song tone): Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

(BARD pulls a sign from behind his back that reads ‘APPLAUSE’ and encourages the resulting clapping with a waving hand before bowing with a flourish and exiting stage RIGHT. PRINCE CHARMING looks around for DARK KNIGHT, doesn’t see him, and shrugs.)

PRINCE CHARMING: Where was I? (Sees SOPHIA) Oh yes…

(All VIKINGS wake up slowly)

PRINCE CHARMING: Now let me see… What would be the thing to do for you in your time of need? Gallant speech? A dragon slain, perhaps? (Pulls out a mirror once again and admires himself in it.)

SOPHIA: Well, actually I do have this little Viking problem.

PRINCE CHARMING: (Not really listening.) Why certainly. Vicious little buggers, ear wigs.

SOPHIA: No, Vvvv-I-Kk-ings I have a VIKING problem.

(VIKINGS advance on SOPHIA behind PRINCE CHARMING’S back.)

PRINCE CHARMING: (Still into mirror.) That’s what I said. Hikers. (shudders) Oh, those goody-two-shoes with their outdoor experience and gas saving methods. They think they are all that. So, when do you want to have our wedding? I favor fall weddings myself, but I could also go with the traditional June ceremony.

(There is a crash offstage and several balls from various sports roll onto stage from stage LEFT. LOUIE follows them hurriedly, trying to catch the balls and push up his glasses at the same time, but drops his bag, which empties. The rest of the balls roll out, tripping the VIKINGS.)

PRINCE CHARMING: (Still into mirror.) And of course, there is the magic of a December or January wedding, when snow is falling gently through the air and you can see one’s breath. (Grooms hair.) Or everyone’s breath for that matter. Yes, a winter one might do. What do you think?

(SOPHIA hits VIKINGS again with her hammer as they stumble on the balls. LOUIE begins to apologize to her, but she catches him in her arms and kisses him firmly on the cheek.)

SOPHIA: My hero!

PRINCE CHARMNING: I know. (Grins into mirror.) Winter it is. (Puts away mirror and sees SOPHIA hugging LOUIE.) Hey! Paws off, Equipment Geek! That’s my girl!

LOUIE: (Takes off glasses.) Oh yeah?

(PRINCE CHARMING and LOUIE size up one another for a moment and prepare to fight when the person with #1 finger comes in stage RIGHT)

#1: What is going on here?

PRINCE CHARMING: Dad?!?!

#1: Son!

PRINCE CHARMING: What are you doing here?

#1: Being chased by Vikings. You?

PRINCE CHARMING: Getting ready to beat up this…

SOPHIA: He’s bullying my equipment boy!

#1: Son, don’t you know it is bad manners to bully someone else’s equipment geek?

SOPHIA: BOY!

#1: Yes, boy. Come along Charming, I’ve been saved from the Vikings, so now I’m going to throw an all-night party with a DJ and a nonstop collection of dance hits and you are all invited!

ALL: Cheer!

(MESSENGER enters stage right and sets down a cd player. DANCE MUSIC starts and everyone boogies.)

THE END

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Again, written a long time ago. A looooong time ago. Posted for comic reaction.