z

Young Writers Society



Blue Eyes, Black Dragon

by GryphonFledgling


He sat on the edge of his seat, as if ready to rise at a moment’s notice; his legs not even under the table, but pointed out to the side with his body twisted to face the table. The farmer studied him uneasily, but didn’t speak as the man shoveled food into his mouth as modestly as possible. It was evident this was the first decent meal he had eaten for some time; the bones in his face stood out and his body was gaunt from lack of nutrition. He seemed embarrassed by the scrutiny of the farmer’s eyes and had his shoulders hunched defensively as he swallowed spoonful after spoonful of the rich beef stew in front of him.

"Where are you headed to?” The farmer’s wife, a steady, bold woman, finally asked as she poured more of the steaming tea from her kettle into the man’s cup, implying that it was too quiet around the table between the menfolk. He lifted his head and hesitated a moment before answering, staring at the wooden table’s grain as he finished chewing, then met her inquiring gaze as he swallowed the stew.

“To Ei-Cadeen.” He said, not unpleasantly, with an expression of one who is unused to kindness and is eager to please. His voice was quiet, as if he couldn’t muster up the strength to speak louder. It was not a deep voice, but it purred like a great cat, and the woman found herself shuddering ever so slightly despite the man’s gentle demeanor. The farmer, seeing her discomfort, coughed as he sucked in another lungful of smoke from the bowl of his pipe, drawing the stranger’s attention away from his wife.

He let out the blue smoke in a ring. The man watched it in silent awe as it floated to the ceiling and dissipated. Had he never seen a smoke ring before? When the last wisps were gone, the stranger turned his attention back to the stew as the farmer regarded him in surprise.

“Where are you from?” He inquired. The man had taken another mouthful of food and he again took a moment before answering, once again in the same polite tone.

“I grew up in Ei-Maefen.” He said, his hand brushing back a strand of his dark hair that had fallen into his eyes. The farmer couldn’t keep from starting in surprise.

“Ei-Maefen?” He burst out, and then tried to disguise his shock by clamping his teeth back down on the stem of his pipe. The man shrugged, chewing again.

“Yes. Why?” His face twisted to one of confusion; as if afraid he had displeased the couple with his answer. The farmer fumbled under the intensity of the man’s pitiful gaze and tried to make him look away.

“Oh… uh, nothing, nothing at all… It just seemed like a long way to travel… Uh, between Maefen and Cadeen, that is…”

There was a moment of silence as the farmer ceased his mumbling and the man began to stir his stew absently. The liquid began to crawl up the sides of the deep bowl as his spoon shoved against it. The farmer’s wife asked him if he would like a piece of bread, but he didn’t seem to hear her. His face was twisted in deep concentration, as if he were listening to something only he could hear. The farmer cleared his throat, not unkindly, trying to attract the stranger’s attention back from wherever it had wandered.

-o-o-o-

Ithle stared into his bowl as his stew sloshed smoothly around and around the sides of the container.

…why are you eating…

I am hungry.

…for that… pasty, stinking human filth… they call that food…

I like it. Ithle was becoming aware of a weight on his shoulder and he tried

to shrug it off uncomfortably.

…no… you do not like that… you do not need food at all…

You do not need food.

Ithle tried to lift another spoonful of stew up to his mouth, but he found that he could not move his arm. The weight was heavier now and it was spreading to his other shoulder as well.

…you… me… it is all the same…

No! Now go away!

…go away… go away… i cannot go away… you know that… we are one… you

promised to help me…

The weight seemed to be soaking into Ithle’s body, like water into a sponge. His limbs were growing heavier. To lift his eyelids was a burden.

I did. I will. But I am tired.

…in me there is strength…

These are nice people. They are trying to talk to me. Be quiet so that I may listen.

…nnnnot a chancccccce…

Suddenly he was lead. His muscles locked and then relaxed. Unable to support the weight that was his body, he slumped completely forward without restraint.

-o-o-o-

The farmer half-stood abruptly as the stranger collapsed on the table, his bowl of stew rocking back and forth for a moment before falling to the floor with a dull thud of wood on earth. The farmer’s wife gasped sharply as her husband gently shook the man and his limp body merely slid off the table to fall heavily on the bench.

-o-o-o-

…come now… give in to me… i am strong…

You made me spill the food. They welcomed me and gave me food and you have made me waste it.

…you care not for food…

Ithle’s hand began to twitch as it hung down limply from his shoulder. His arm was hooked by the crook of his elbow to the bench’s leg and his fingers nearly brushed the splatters of stew on the floor.

...you do not need to eat…

That was meat. Good meat. It made me strong.

…i make you strong…

They worked hard to give it to me. They were generous.

…they wasted their time…

His hand was beginning to curl into a fist now, despite his efforts to stop it. He felt so heavy that it was difficult to draw breath.

I can’t breathe.

…you don’t need to breathe…

I… I don’t need to breathe…

-o-o-o-

The farmer lay on the ground, his eyes wide and staring and his limbs frozen in a position of defense. His wide lay next to him; her head on his chest and her best dress spotted with rust-colored stains.

-o-o-o-

“Johanna?”

The hall rang with the cry, echoes bouncing off the cool marble walls and up into the high vaulted ceiling.

Johanna… Johanna… Johann… Jo…

A single figure made its way down the passage. A man, dwarfed by the huge pillars of stone, with long dark hair gathered into a horse tail at the back of his neck before dividing into the seven braids of a high noble. However, instead of the stately walk generally associated with one of his status, the man barreled down the hall like a racer; his braids beating against his back like a lash.

“Johanna?” Johanna… Johanna…

The man skidded to a halt before a double set of oaken doors commanding the far end of the hallway, his robes billowing like sails as he stumbled about to catch his balance.

“Kayli?” Kayli… Kayli…Kay…

He pounded at the doors with a fist, beating against the golden wood braced with silver bolts. The breath rattled in his throat from his run and sweat beaded against his red face.

“Mark?” Mark… Mark… Mar… “Johanna!” Johanna… Jo…

Sunlight streamed in through the large windows set high in the walls of the hallway, casting a long shadow of the man that stretched the length of the hall. He pounded at the door desperately before resting his forehead on the wood for a moment, catching his breath. When nothing happened, he beat both fists against the oak, screaming in his frustration.

“Let me in! Oh Orrin, let me in!”

Suddenly, at the opposite end of the hallway, there was a shout and the sounds of feet slapping the marble and the clinking of swords and armor could be heard echoing down the long passage.

“Johanna!” Johanna… Johanna… Johann…

Slowly, painfully slowly, the right door began to open with a soft groaning of hinges. The man shoved at it with both hands, buckling in with his head down and back bent, but his effort did not increase the door’s speed. The room beyond was dark, so much so that as sunlight spills in through a cracked door to the outside, it almost seemed to cast a shadow on the bright floors. The armor and shouting grew louder as the man slipped in through the crack in the door and slammed it behind him. It closed like a trap, contrasting its unwillingness to open.

“Mark? Kayli?”

Now the cry was muted, as if stifled by the blackness. The man extended a hand, his shoulders hunched defensively as he began to set one foot gingerly before the other.

-o-o-o-

The pipe had gone out. A small circle of ashes had spilt from the bowl. Now the pile of dust was cold and the soot had blackened the surface of the table. The stem was dimpled where the farmer had clenched it between his teeth and the sides of the bowl were polished smooth from the rubbing of his fingers. However, the delicate swirls that had been carved along the rim were still visible; curling like wisps of smoke.

-o-o-o-

“Kayli! Kayli, it’s Pada. Kayli, wake up. Oh please wake up.”

The man sat in the darkness, cradling the body of a child, a girl, her hair braided with tiny beads, the labor of love that had taken over six hours and a few temper tantrums from both parent and child. He rubbed the strands of beads between his fingers, hugging the child to his chest, feeling her coldness suck the warmth from him. Tears began to run down his face.

“Kayli. Kayli. Kayli.”

He rocked back and forth gently, his cheek against the girl’s head. She did not respond as he embraced her and stroked his hand across her beaded hair. She lay stiff and silent in his arms as he wept over her.

-o-o-o-

Ithle studied the pipe in the red firelight. It was a small object, not much longer than his hand and the bend of the stem was at an odd angle, fitted to its master’s wants. The bowl was deep and the carvings around it somehow filled Ithle with a longing. This was a unique object; well-loved and well-used. He wished the farmer would wake and blow more rings from it. He had always loved to watch people do that; it was as if they were dragons with hot fires in their bellies so that smoke billowed from their mouths and nostrils.

-o-o-o-

The man carried the girl’s body with him, his arms cradling her shoulders and hooked beneath her knees. He continued through the darkness hesitantly, fearing what else might lie within.

Ahead was a glow, orange-yellow, that did not penetrate the darkness as sunlight would, but instead, seemed to be as dark as the blackness around him, only colored. The man stumbled towards it. The sounds of pounding at the door somewhere behind him could be heard, mingled with shouting and the clanking of weapons.

-o-o-o-

The pipe lay alongside several others, a small rustic object among many of finery. But the man rubbed the small pipe fondly, running his fingers along the stem and bowl as if stroking a cat. He gazed at the assortment for a moment, and then carefully began to separately wrap each in an oiled cloth.

-o-o-o-

“Johanna!” Johanna! Johanna… Johanna…

The scream echoed through the blackness, the sheer desperation penetrating the suffocating silence. The man stood frozen before a pillar of glowing yellow, a containment hex, which held his wife.

She was motionless, her body erect as if standing, as it hung in the center of the pillar. Her bare toes were delicately pointed and her arms opened wide, her head pulled back to face the sky and her back arched as if she had received a blow to the back. The man sank to the ground and began to weep.

“Lord!”

Another cry was heard, but it was again stifled by the darkness. The man lifted his head ever so slightly when he was handed his son by a mage that had broken away from the group surrounding the hex.

“Mark!”

But the boy did not awake, his young face, barely out of childhood, frozen in an expression of surprise and urgency, as if he were trying to tell his father something in spite of his death. The man hugged the boy to his chest and began to wail, rocking back and forth violently.

“Who had done this?”

“Johanna.”

The man’s tearstained eyes turned towards the figure floating in the pillar.

“No! No, she couldn’t have. You lie! You did this! You and your masters have killed my children!”

The man rose, still clutching the body to him.

“Why? Why would you do that?”

The mage, a young man robed in purple that now appeared a mottled yellow in the glow, began to back away.

“No, my lord, I swear! We have not touched your children but to protect them.”

“Johanna!” Johanna… Jo…

-o-o-o-

Ithle walked along the edge of the dirt road leading away from the farmer’s house, his head bent in the moonlight to watch the silver-colored puffs of dirt that scattered beneath his feet. The pipe was tucked away in the tattered back at his back; the farmer had no need for it.

In the quiet, he could hear wafts of music, wild and eerie, drifting through the night. He lifted his head to scan the landscape, all silver and black in the shadows cast by the moon. Ahead was a tree, dead but still standing; its limbs twisting like tortured fingers to the stars, bare of leaves. And beneath it was a man, reclined against the rotting trunk with a violin tucked beneath his chin and bow in hand. Ithle’s head tilted in spite of himself, curious as to why the man played so late.

-o-o-o-

“But why?”

“She sought to increase her power.”

“By killing my children?”

“Her children as well! Nothing gives a demon more power than the blood of its body’s relations.”

“But she loved them!”

“My lord…”

“No! You lie to me, Jurdain. It is not true!”

The man still held the boy and girl, holding them to himself like a small child with a blanket, as if trying to ward off fear with the solidity of their bodies.

“I love her!”

He looked towards the figure still suspended in the hex. She wore a simple white shift, stained and rumpled as if she had been in a struggle, but her face was blank and peaceful; her mouth relaxed and her eyes closed.

“My lord, she is beyond us now. We do not know yet the nature of her demon. Perhaps in a few days…”

“No!”

Tears streamed down his face, forming rivulets of eyewater that trickled down to soak into his collar.

“No, I don’t believe it!”

He set the children’s bodies gently on the ground, kissing their foreheads and straightening their clothing before standing erect.

“I don’t believe it.”

He began to run towards the glow, ignoring the cries of the young mage behind him and the others as they maintained the hex.

“Johanna!”

As he drew close to the pillar, he reached his hand out towards it, his fingers dark with his children’s blood.

The woman’s eyes suddenly opened. Her head snapped down to meet the man’s gaze, her eyes flashing a brilliant, clear blue.

“Johanna.”

“My lord, no! Stay away from her! She is not Johanna!”

“My husband.”

-o-o-o-

…evil ones…

They hurt you?

…yes… very much… will you help me…

Yes.

…yes…

-o-o-o-

The man continued to play as Ithle approached. The moonlight danced about his unruly hair, reflecting off it to cast a halo around his head. He smiled to the other as he sawed the bow across the strings and pulled trilling notes from it that whined through the air in an unkempt melody. The tree itself seemed to hum with music.

When it ended, the man regarded Ithle for a moment.

“Good morning, stranger.” He said in a cheerful voice. Ithle smiled in spite of himself.

“It is still dark, sir.”

“Ah yes, but the midnight hour has passed. It is a new day already! I sit here to bid farewell to the moon when she retreats to her bed of stars and to greet the sun before even the birds. Would you care to sit with me?”

“I fear not. I must continue to travel.”

“What? Where are you headed that demands such discipline? Does some unseen driver crack a whip at your heels? It is still only after midnight, an hour for rest and rejoicing.”

…sssss… do not answer him…

Ithle froze for a moment. The man cocked his head like a bird and pulled the violin from beneath his jaw.

“Come, speak up man! Have you suddenly lost your tongue?”

…do not speak… he will hurt you…

I do not speak.

“I see that you have run out of conversation. Well, be about your merry way and a good day to you! I sit and play.”

Ithle still stood frozen, feeling the uncomfortable weight settle over him.

The man glanced at him out of the corner of one eye as he turned away.

“I say good day, but you do not go. I ask you to sit and you still stand. If I ask you to stand there, will you lie down on the turf?”

…hssssssss…

Abruptly the man’s brow furrowed and his violin nearly cracked as his grip tightened on the neck.

“Good morning, demon Kirthez.” He said quietly.

Jurdain.

…jjjjjuuurrrdaaaainnn…

Suddenly a near score of men with purple clothing, gleaming silver in the moon, sprang into sight as if from thin air.

-o-o-o-

The man watched as the other fell to the ground heavily and glanced at his right hand, which still glowed with a dull yellow orange. With his left, he picked up his violin to examine it. The strings had popped and one of the turn keys had shattered, but that could be fixed. He gently packed it into his leather pack and poured water from his flask over his hand. The liquid popped and fizzled as it touched his skin and the glow faded slowly.

“Thank you, sirs.”

Suddenly the man on the ground stirred and began to pick himself up shakily.

“Where am I?”

“Nearly to Ei-Turbin, my lord.”

“Jurdain?”

The mage nodded, combing a weary hand through his dark blonde hair.

“What am I doing here?”

The man grasped at the mage’s shoulder.

“You have aged, my friend.”

“You have too, my lord.”

“Where are Mark and Kayli?”

“At the churchyard, my lord.”

“What has happened?”

The mage sighed as he looked about, searching for the right words.

“Johanna…”


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Tue Nov 03, 2009 9:53 pm
Chaoshound wrote a review...



Okay....seems like a fairly good review has been done here. Still, i would like to add that the opening scene is pretty confusing and doesn't seem to explain anything much. You failed to give any definte idea about the mages in purple robes or the men in armor. What are they? Demon-slayers? Whom are Johanna, Judain and Kirthez? What does Pada have to do with Ithle's story?
My next problem is the narrative, which was pretty much jumpy. You changed POVs more times than i can count on my fingers, which is not a good thing to do so early in a story.
Anyways, the story has potential, and the title is pretty awesome. A good job all the same.




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Fri Aug 29, 2008 9:34 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



I really like the plot, very original. I will not point out the grammar mistakes because everyone else has already done so. It got a bit confusing with all the different scene changes and characters. If you lenghened the parts maybe it would be less confusing to understand. Lots of questions. But I am sure that you have more to the story so I will wait. PM me when you get more posted. You have lots of potiental, and I really like this story. Good luck.




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Thu Aug 28, 2008 5:41 am
RowanHowler wrote a review...



Hello,


I think the beginning, describing the stranger's way fo sitting is a little awkward,especially for a beginning paragraph. I think maybe "his feet braced against the floor as though ready to spring up," or something less difficult to grasp than the way it is written above.


I don't know if crawl is the right word for soup. Maybe splash or at least rise.

The part about the light seeming like shadow is something I'm on the fence about. It doesn't really make sense, but i think I get a sense of what you're describing.


The biggest problem and really the only factor that stopped me from enjoying this piece was the fact that it jumped around so much. I just couldn't see past that. It made the piece feel disjointed and split the plots up so much that I could barely string them together.


Aside from those problems I think the piece was very well written and mechanically sound. I was definitely interested in all of the characters and got a chill just reading about the dead kids and their mom.




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Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:50 pm



Thanks to everyone who reviewed. It's nice to know that I am loved. :)

In response to the many questions about continuing: this was originally supposed to be a novel, but I wasn't sure how to make it longer or what to put in it or whatever, so I shortened it to a short story. Interestingly, it was my very first short story.

I want to continue it, but I am not sure how, so I don't know if this will be made into a longer story or not. Right now, I am rather proud of it, so it will likely stay as is for the time being.

Thanks once more and sorry for taking three months ( :shock: ) to post a reply.

~GryphonFledgling




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Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:34 pm
Pickle810 wrote a review...



There was something about the first part "eating as modestly as he could" that sort of bugged me, even though the whole piece was really superb. You've got a lot of potential!
I'm just not sure how you can eat humbly or shyly?

And also, the breaks were a little annoying. They were a little too frequent, and I found myself getting lost. Otherwise, awesome story ^_^




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Thu Jan 03, 2008 8:30 am
Derek says...



Wow
i really love this pecie of writing
i thout from the name *Yu-Gi-Oh!!!!
lol
but yes i do like your writing
No critque from what i've seen everyone else sugjested what i would have




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Thu Jan 03, 2008 7:35 am
the morrow wrote a review...



Here's my return for your favor--what turned out to be an insanely long, meticulous review that I wrote at 1:30AM. Enjoy :D

he couldn’t muster up the strength to speak louder

Correct me (anybody) if I'm wrong, but "louder" is grammatically incorrect, as you are assessing a verb, not a noun. It should read "he couldn't muster up the strength to speak more loudly."

It was not a deep voice, but it purred like a great cat

This statement is confusing, as it seems to suggest that a voice itself can speak.

The farmer, seeing her discomfort, coughed as he sucked in another lungful of smoke from the bowl of his pipe, drawing the stranger’s attention away from his wife.

"Lungful" is not a word.

The man watched it in silent awe as it floated to the ceiling and dissipated. Had he never seen a smoke ring before?

The tendency of anyone when reading this sentence is to initially think that "the man" still refers to the farmer, as "the farmer" was the preceding subject.

When the last wisps were gone, the stranger turned his attention back to the stew as the farmer regarded him in surprise.

The preposition should be "with," not "in."

“Where are you from?” He inquired.

"He" should be lowercased--an error you make throughout the piece. It's difficult to explain and really quite complicated when you think about it, so I'll just show you some models of proper formatting of quotes:

- "Welcome to the castle," he said.
- "Do you come from the country?" he said. "I've never seen the country."
- "I don't know how to say this," he said, "but I love you."

That may help. If you have further questions, PM me.

The man had taken another mouthful of food and he again took a moment before answering, once again in the same polite tone.

A commas must follow "food," as this is a compound sentence.

“To Ei-Cadeen.”

You've come up with solid place names, as if you would read such names in a book--which is good.

His face twisted to one of confusion; as if afraid he had displeased the couple with his answer.

Do not use a semi-colon where a comma will be adequate.

The farmer fumbled under the intensity of the man’s pitiful gaze and tried to make him look away.

Good sentence.

“Oh… uh, nothing, nothing at all… It just seemed like a long way to travel… Uh, between Maefen and Cadeen, that is…”

Several of ellipses concentrated in a single quote, as seen here, bogs down the flow.

There was a moment of silence as the farmer ceased his mumbling and the man began to stir his stew absently.

Comma needed.

Suddenly he was lead.

Confusing, as the reader will initially think of "lead" as it is more commonly used.

the weight that was his body

The structure of this phrase (the [this] that was [this]) is typically used for dramatic effect, as in "the woman that was his dreams" or "the darkness that was his heart." I don't see why dramatic effect is used here, unless his body is particularly heavy, so it comes off as turgid and wordy. Use simple expressions (i.e. "body weight") where they will suffice.

the man barreled down the hall like a racer; his braids beating against his back like a lash.

As before, do not use a semicolon in place of a comma.

Tears streamed down his face, forming rivulets of eyewater that trickled down to soak into his collar.

Excellent sentence.

“Ah yes, but the midnight hour has passed. It is a new day already! I sit here to bid farewell to the moon when she retreats to her bed of stars and to greet the sun before even the birds. Would you care to sit with me?”

Good characterization of the farmer.

I do not speak.

First person, or is this suppose to be in quotes?


General Impressions:
This is some of the best writing on the site. Excellent diction, and delightfully varied sentence structure, and characterizations. The landscape of language sounds professional. Bits of eloquence here and there add color to the story, but beware wordiness. Reconsider a few semicolons, and consider using a dash here and there to liven up the punctuation. The frequent jumping around between scenes makes the story needlessly difficult to follow. Speaking of which, I'm still confused as to what precisely is going on, though I may be simply getting slow at 1:30 AM. At times, it seems a little too fast-paced; sequences pass without backdrops, glamorous skyscrapers stand without foundations. The continual use of ellipses will eventually become hackneyed if you intend to continue this story, which I recommend you do, as it has easily caught my interest. Keep writing!




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Mon Dec 31, 2007 4:33 pm
kioneslayer wrote a review...



=D I thought it was good for the most part.

But I got lost easily

Between the scene and view hopes, I didn't know who or what was talking.

For instant, when the farmer(I think) picked up Kayli, I didn't know it was him. I thought it might be some stray person.

Another thing, from what I got, I imagined people running down the hall, not just the father. Maybe you should put something as to why the people are running to the home? How did people know that something was wrong? And why didn't they go to the guest first?

I have tons more questions, but it could because that I keep mixing up things.

=D Other then the confusing spots, like I said, it was good. But it could be wonderful!




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Mon Dec 31, 2007 7:08 am
ElizaW wrote a review...



I’ll start off with the things that I liked. The plot ideas and the set up are great, and the ending was a really and surprise, since I spent most of the beginning wondering how things tied into each other. The section with him cradling Kayli’s body was very potent, and I loved the details of how she’d had her hair braided.

There are two things that I really wished that you’d done differently. The pacing, the way you break from scene to scene made me twitch whenever I saw a new break coming. It made the narrative choppy, and it left me wondering why I should care about some guy eating soup. What’s more, at the beginning you use a scene break to change the POV in the middle of the same scene, and I really wish that you hadn’t. Shift around if you must, but put him somewhere else when we get to see him conversing with his demon. Similarly, don’t break up the narrative for small paragraphs that don’t go anywhere. I really wanted bigger, more substantial chunks of text.

Likewise, I felt this should have been longer. I get a decent feel for the action of the story, but almost no sense of place. I really want more description. Make it twice as long as it already is if need be, and probably even more so, and try to put in some of the reasoning behind their actions to make things a little clearer.

Thanks for sharing, and good luck.




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Mon Dec 31, 2007 5:25 am
starrynight89 wrote a review...



Hi there,

Just wanted to leave a review. Hope you don't mind that I attach my reviews when the posts are long; it's just neater that way :)

PM with any questions, comments, concerns...anything, really..

Bye,

--starry.

Oh and this was a pleasure to read :)




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Mon Dec 31, 2007 5:04 am
cat4prowl says...



wow u have some serious potential. this was some of the best writing i have ever seen on here. u r seriously amazing. i dont have any crits(amazingly) i think Rubric covered most of it already. u have blown me away. wow.




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Mon Dec 31, 2007 4:33 am
Rubric wrote a review...



"Where are you headed to?”
Where are you headed?

"implying that it was too quiet around the table between the menfolk"
although she is doing this, "trying to liven up the conversation between the menfolk" makes the wife seem less....manipulative?

"He said, not unpleasantly, with an expression "
He said, not unpleasantly, but with an expression...


"“Where are you from?” He inquired. The man had taken another mouthful of food and he again took a moment before answering, once again in the same polite tone.
“I grew up in Ei-Maefen.” He said, his hand brushing back a strand of his dark hair that had fallen into his eyes. The farmer couldn’t keep from starting in surprise.
“Ei-Maefen?” He burst out, and then tried to disguise his shock by clamping his teeth back down on the stem of his pipe. The man shrugged, chewing again.
“Yes. Why?” His face twisted to one of confusion; as if afraid he had displeased the couple with his answer. The farmer fumbled under the intensity of the man’s pitiful gaze and tried to make him look away.
You use here repetiatively and confusingly. It describs both the farmer and Ithle. USe names or titles more often.

"His wide lay next to him"
His wife lay next to him

"barely out of childhood, frozen in an expression "
barely out of childhood, was frozen in an expression

"away in the tattered back at his back"
away in the tattered pack on his back

"It is still only after midnight"
it is still only just after midnight

"I do not speak. "
Ithlye did not speak.
When describing Ithlye's actions you need to keep to the third person.

This is a great piece, I can't wait to see where it's headed. Failing that it's actually a good short story in it's own right aswell.





I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss