Young Writers Society

Hello there!

First of all, I would like to commend the usage of the word "Fables" that pertains to the story of these rebels. It's an implication that these people are animals because of their barbarous deeds. Love that play of words!
Now, I have a few concerns with regarding your poem:

First, there's really no concept of who is wrong and right? I know that in wars, battles, and rebellions both sides are at fault, but there's always one side that is more righteous than the other. Both this "you," and these rebels seem to be equally wrong. In the "you's" point of view, it's not directly stated but the fact that there is an influx of money in the "you's" pocket can say something about him. I would also like to clarify if this "you" is also the government? By the words "Your land" "Your people" and the money. If so, then rebelling to you, as the government, should have some sort of reason?

What confused me was the reason they were rebelling? Why were they rebelling against you? The government? The line "Awestruck by bags of bucks" made them seem like they're merely greedy, which makes you the good guy, but that's the problem. I can't quite understand what's really going on. Are those money and riches really yours (and they just want to take it)? Or was it taken from these rebels (and they plan to take it back)? If it was taken from these rebels wouldn't that mean that those people were actually the good guys fighting for justice?

I know this is poetry, but I think you should add a few more lines to the poem to add some clarity on its setting. You can make use of allegory and metaphors if you want. To clarify on its setting doesn't mean it should be laid out and spoon fed to the readers. Also, if your message is that everyone is wrong and everyone should reconcile, you can point out with some imagery, why everyone, at some point, is at fault.

Second, I don't mean to be nitpicky but when you used the word "utopia," were you trying to say paradise? I've read political books and stories with the concept of "utopia" and they're usually a seemingly perfect world that has attained that perfection because they sacrifice a part of their humanity. So it's, technically, not a good thing.

Well, that's all of my concerns. I love the concept of your poem! It reminded me of world history, in regards to mutiny (like the boston tea party).

Best regards,
Kattee

Hi GrymmRipper,

I must say this poem has so much potential. Your vocabulary, to start, is very educated. I've never seen a poem using the words "prodigal son[s]". And it ties into the continuance of the Biblical references with the word "utopia" and "reconcile."

In addition, words such as "pedigree," "volatile," "governance," "flux," "nourished," "feats," "humane," and "feeble," are strong and make a powerful message about the modern era and the behaviors of the current generations -- this can be seen in the first image: if I'm interpreting this right, you're saying that we easily turn away from "rebels" "raising hell" on "their land" and "your [our] land."

In addition, I love your rhyme scheme. It doesn't always rhyme, but it goes by a structure that makes it an organized free verse.

Again, I'm very impressed. I hope to see more of your poetry in the future.

- Shay