“Thanks,” The girl slid her hands from her pockets, grasping the paper bag in her clammy fingers. Her pretty face was clouded with dark circles and waxy skin.
“That’ll be fifteen dollars.” The store clerk turned to his cash register, pulling out the receipt. Sweat broke out across her brow, and she played gently with her fingers.
“I-I don’t have enough-“
The clerk raised a brow, turning to her. He took back the bag. “Sorry ma’am…”
She shoved her hands back into her pockets, fumbling with something inside. “No-you don’t understand-“ She began to pull something out. “I need this.” The handle of a gun slid gently out from her hoodie pocket, and the clerk froze.
“Please… don’t…”
“I need this,” the girl repeated, almost more to herself than to the clerk. Holding out a shaky hand, she repeated it again, louder this time. “I need this.”
“Take it, take it, please…”
The girl furrowed her brow, pushing the cool metal of the gun’s barrel against the clerk’s forehead with violently trembling hands. “I need this.” She hissed, grabbing the bag and some money from the open cash register. As she began to pull away the pistol, the store was washed in red and blue lights.
She gasped. “You called them.” The clerk opened his mouth to say something but the girl felt her sweaty finger slip on the trigger.
What just happened? The girl was running, her legs flying behind her. She felt something warm and wet on her sleeves and looked down. Am I bleeding? But she couldn’t feel anything. She hadn’t been able to feel anything for a while now. Is that my blood?
She was running, and couldn’t seem to stop. What just happened? Her head began to fog, turning into a grey haze. Is that my blood? She collapsed, but she still felt like she was running. The world was spinning. Is that my blood? Her long fingers grasped something cold and hard, and she brought it to her wrist. Everything became clear as the needle pushed through her skin, focusing the darkness. She closed her eyes, pushing the liquid into her veins. Breathing deeply, she pulled the syringe away. Her body tingled at first, and she laughed at the familiar tingling sensation that always came after injection. But the tingling changed into something else, an itch, a terrible itch that racked her whole body. Her stubby fingernails clawed at her own skin, piercing past the layers, pulling away the raw membrane. She could feel it peel off her own body, but the itch stayed. She gasped as she bled, but still she scratched at the tender flesh. Blood flowed into her mouth, dripping into her throat. She smiled at the salty taste, relishing her own blood. The itch stopped, leaving her raw, bleeding in the dark alleyway. She laid her head back against the brick of the store, waiting for the police to come. She would wait for the taste of another’s flesh in her mouth. But for now, she was satisfied with her own blood.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Really good! I liked how realistically you portrayed the character's emotion; it was obvious how nervous she was when pulling out the gun and how desperate she was to obtain the item she was unable to afford. You accurately showed the emotions that would be buzzing inside of person thrown into a similar situation. The description you used was very vivid, and you did a great job at painting the scene in our minds, showing the reader what played out instead of just telling them the events that occurred. Overall, really great job. Keep up the good work!
This was great, I had the perfect imagery. Tho you did not, give much detailing to work with. I felt as tho you did great. The characteristics of a women holding a gun for the need of her sakes. Was great of you. Most women would have sweated bullets and repeatedly say I need it. And I thought that's what made the chapter more life like.
I can imagine and an Asian man running the store and a white women with fiery red hair in a 1900's coat with a gun in her hand.
You were fantastic and amazing writer, keep up the good work.
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review.
I really enjoyed this! Seriously, I think it's wonderful. There's just something about your writing that seems mature. I like the way you write.
You did such a good job with the emotion in the scene where the girl is robbing the store. I got the impression that she had never robbed a store before or that she was just not that good at it. She was shaking and her hands were clammy, two good telltale signs that someone is nervous. But then as I read on, I realized that that might have just been because she was low on blood. I'm assuming she's a vampire, yes?
I did get a bit confused however, between these two paragraphs:
There seems to be a step missing here. Did she shoot herself? That's what I got out of these two paragraphs, but I'm not entirely sure that that is what happened. Maybe you could describe that a bit more? And something between these two paragraphs that makes this a bit clearer.
Other than that I think this chapter is great. You have a solid character here and I can't wait to see what kind of trouble she gets herself into.
Please let me know when you post another chapter. I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
AWE! That is the sweetest review.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I'll definitely take both of your guys' revisions in mind.