A short Halo respawn story

Thanks UncleJimmy!

denj wrote:The world was black. An all consuming Should be "all-consuming" black. I was weightless. The darkness pushed in on my soul, my lungs were struggling Not a big deal, but "struggled" would sound a bit better to find air, but none was found A bit rough. Maybe "there was none to be found" ?. After momentary terror, through some type of deity’s will, air found its way into my lungs as if sucked through a straw. My feet seemed as though they were being vacuumed downwards, toward something This bit really isn't necessary. There was radiance, like the flame of a candle held high in the air illuminating the edges of my vision You might want to insert a comma between "air" and "illuminating".

Abruptly a lush green landscape surged its way through my retinas and registered with my brain. Right "Right" in this context is informal and not needed in front of me a stoic precipice towered above the verdant surroundings. At the very foundation of the rock jutting out of the earth a bright crimson color caught my interest. Ok, this sentence is a bit tough to follow. Maybe you could re-word it something like "Jutting out of the earth at the foundation of the rock was a spot of bright crimson." You could omit the part about it catching the narrator's interest, or reconfigure the sentence a different way.

My pulse quickened upon realizing what exactly Including both of these words is somewhat redundant. Just use "what" or move "exactly" in front of "what" this crimson blot upon the world was. A body, sprawled upon the gentle grass seemed Insert a comma here so out of place.

“What abomination could have disturbed this peaceful region” The dialogue is a bit awkward and stiff. Would a Spartan really say that? Perhaps, but in any case, add a question mark after "region" I asked myself.

I crept closer, alert, anticipating the moment I would have to find out I see what you mean by including "have to" here, but it makes the sentence confusing. Consider omitting "have to" what exactly harmed this body. My heart still racing upon reaching the body, though nothing had pounced on me. You need a verb in this sentence. Did you want to put a "was" between "My heart"? Also, why would something have pounced on him? Wasn't he just afraid of seeing the carnage?

Upon closer inspection I found the body to be spread eagled spread-eagled on the ground slightly Either put a comma or the word "and" between these two words slumped over, as if this being had just drifted off into the world of dreams. I wanted to see the face of this person who had intruded such a serene area with a sense of unwanted violence. I reached out and gently prodded the shoulder of this, now identifiable, male The commas here aren't necessary. His upper body fell back, as if expecting someone to catch him, and alighted Consider choosing a different word on the soil with a gentle thud. I took a step closer intent You need a comma between these two words upon examining his face. I leaned slowly in Consider changing to "in slowly", and gasped. My pupils dilated. My knees went weak. I was staring; at my own face As mentioned before, semicolon unneeded.

Hey Denj, thanks for the great review!! The tweaks with my wording you made i think will help the flow a lot! thanks for the advice, and for reading!

The world was black. An all consuming Should be "all-consuming" black. I was weightless. The darkness pushed in on my soul, my lungs were struggling Not a big deal, but "struggled" would sound a bit better to find air, but none was found A bit rough. Maybe "there was none to be found" ?. After momentary terror, through some type of deity’s will, air found its way into my lungs as if sucked through a straw. My feet seemed as though they were being vacuumed downwards, toward something This bit really isn't necessary. There was radiance, like the flame of a candle held high in the air illuminating the edges of my vision You might want to insert a comma between "air" and "illuminating".

Abruptly a lush green landscape surged its way through my retinas and registered with my brain. Right "Right" in this context is informal and not needed in front of me a stoic precipice towered above the verdant surroundings. At the very foundation of the rock jutting out of the earth a bright crimson color caught my interest. Ok, this sentence is a bit tough to follow. Maybe you could re-word it something like "Jutting out of the earth at the foundation of the rock was a spot of bright crimson." You could omit the part about it catching the narrator's interest, or reconfigure the sentence a different way.

My pulse quickened upon realizing what exactly Including both of these words is somewhat redundant. Just use "what" or move "exactly" in front of "what" this crimson blot upon the world was. A body, sprawled upon the gentle grass seemed Insert a comma here so out of place.

“What abomination could have disturbed this peaceful region” The dialogue is a bit awkward and stiff. Would a Spartan really say that? Perhaps, but in any case, add a question mark after "region" I asked myself.

I crept closer, alert, anticipating the moment I would have to find out I see what you mean by including "have to" here, but it makes the sentence confusing. Consider omitting "have to" what exactly harmed this body. My heart still racing upon reaching the body, though nothing had pounced on me. You need a verb in this sentence. Did you want to put a "was" between "My heart"? Also, why would something have pounced on him? Wasn't he just afraid of seeing the carnage?

Upon closer inspection I found the body to be spread eagled spread-eagled on the ground slightly Either put a comma or the word "and" between these two words slumped over, as if this being had just drifted off into the world of dreams. I wanted to see the face of this person who had intruded such a serene area with a sense of unwanted violence. I reached out and gently prodded the shoulder of this, now identifiable, male The commas here aren't necessary. His upper body fell back, as if expecting someone to catch him, and alighted Consider choosing a different word on the soil with a gentle thud. I took a step closer intent You need a comma between these two words upon examining his face. I leaned slowly in Consider changing to "in slowly", and gasped. My pupils dilated. My knees went weak. I was staring; at my own face As mentioned before, semicolon unneeded.

Thanks Jai! Those pointers are really helpful! The story was kind of trying to hint that the character being played was like a puppet and didn't know what was going on. When he looks into the face of the dead person, it's more based on someone playing a multi-player game so it would actually be his body. Anyway, thank you!

Hey Grizzy! Welcome to YWS. I loved the premise of this story.

Just quickly, here's a few things to note.

Generally author's put their notes in italics, or in a spoiler. Also, it's really wise to spell check your work before you submit. You've forgot to capitalize your "I"s in your author's note and it passes off as unprofessional. And, yes, the semicolon is wrong - you don't even need any form of punctuation there. Your paragraph structure is fine. I found no faults.

On to the review:

“What abomination could have disturbed this peaceful region” I asked myself.

My heart still racing raced upon reaching the body, though nothing had pounced on me.

I took a step closer intent upon examining his face. I leaned slowly in, and gasped. My pupils dilated. My knees went weak. I was staring; at my own face.