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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Tales of Lani: The Chirurgeon

by GrinningMan


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Auyn was in the middle of a nostalgic dream before seeing the same trodden dirt floor another time. The familiar pain came back and she wondered exactly how long she had been out for. All she remembered was Patavi had left and told her the Chirurgeon would be in soon. Was she really going to be treated by chimera that the Lani fought so long ago? Her dream stuck in her head, about her initial teachings in the church. Chimera of all kinds were an abomination, after all.

The tent flap opened and let in a bright sunlight, and in the doorway stood a Latalani that was much smaller than Patavi. The sunshine glinted off her scales which were a mix between patches of blue and brown. Her eyes were a striking orange, and they were looking straight at Auyn.

"Oh, is this to be my patient? Patavi told me it was going to be interesting," the Latalani sneaked in, barely making a sound while looking over Auyn's cot. The woman eyed her cautiously while being examined. "You're much different than the Lani we witnessed forever ago," she said, "but quite the specimen! Thankfully our anatomy isn't much different, yeah?"

There was an odd cheeriness to this one; if it wasn't apparent by a lithe, wagging tail that whipped through the air. The Latalani would quickly trot over to a table, which was covered in all sorts of equipment, and empty out satchels of herbs and fungi. After she shortly arranged them, she came back to Auyn's side and looked her over closer.

Before the woman could say anything, the Chirurgeon spoke, "Oh, oh oh oh, Patavi did a number on you. Thankfully it looks like all it is is your back. I can see why she'd take pity on a thing like you." The Latalani sneered at the blushing woman before running her fingers delicately down her spine. Only a few bumps here and there made Auyn grunt in pain, and her caretaker clicked her tongue, "So, good news, it's not that bad."

"And what's the bad news...?" Auyn had grabbed handfuls of fur from the cot, her teeth clenched as the pain was getting uncomfortable again. It was just fine before the chimera had to run her fingers along her busted back. Although, was she really that good of a Chirurgeon to come to a conclusion that quickly?

"I suppose the bad news is I never told you my name!" The other chuckled before heading to the table again, lighting a small pile of charcoal before mixing ingredients. "Sorry to say that's all the bad news you get. Strange, isn't it?" She cocked her head as a grin streaked across her face, "Well, rest assured that Yuanry is taking care of you!" After a moment of pride, she went back to mixing ingredients, tossing in all sorts of plants that Auyn couldn't recognize.

After it was set on the burning charcoal, Yuanry waltzed back over. Her tail never stopped wagging the entire time. She knelt down at the cot and started to look Auyn's back over once more, "You never told me your name, now that I think about it."

"Auyn..." The Lani muttered. She let out a shrill squeak when the Chirurgeon's hand had a hold of a thigh, "You watch where your hands are!"

"Well I can clearly see they're right here," Yuanry chuckled and squeezed Auyn's thigh, just to hear the extra squeak. "Such a shame, born with the curiosity to learn so much about our cousin species," she then sighed solemnly, "and yet they hate us so much." The Chirurgeon moved her hands down to tentatively check on Auyn's legs, all the while the grin on her face became less and less cheerful, as if now being forced. "You know, I was but a century old when the war ended..."

"A century...?" Auyn muttered, the focus on her legs took the edge off her back. At least she could think clearly, but that would mean this Latalani was nearly over 180 years old. "I've never been lead to believe your kind lives that long."

"Mhm," Yuanry took a deep breath before the grin regained its original happiness, "Patavi is nearly five centuries old, but has only been a chieftess for a fifth of that life. How old are you?" The chirurgeon was met with a skeptical stare from her patient, to which she replied with, "What? I'm going to learn a lot about you either way!"

For some reason that comment didn't stick well with Auyn, and she said, "I'm... somewhere over twenty-four summers."

"A summer child, so the same as I am!" Yuanry finished up her examination of the woman's legs, then stood and checked on the mixture she set on the coals. She prepared it a little more, processing it through steps to cool the mixture down and let it cure. She wiped her hands across her leather smock and stepped up to Auyn once more. "You'll feel a lot better after this, promise."

The Lani was skeptical of the grey paste in the jar, but it wasn't like she had a choice. She felt the mixture hit the base of her spine, and then felt it travel all the way up until it was between her shoulder blades. Nearly immediately, the pain died off to something of a dull drone. Yuanry began to spread the mixture carefully and evenly across Auyn's back, before kneading it in with her hands.

Despite Auyn being numb, she could feel the rather soft hands rubbing out the knots in her back. Although every once in a while, she could feel the Chirurgeon move her spine back into place. After a few minutes full of silence, Yuanry spoke, "You're lucky, in this area we have quite a selection of powerful healing herbs. Patavi did tell me we needed you healed as quickly as possible."

Auyn, for once since having woken up in her cot, could breathe steadily. The senses that had dulled with the overwhelming pain also came back, apart from the occasional pang as Yuanry fixed her spine. She took a deep breath, filling her lungs fully after so long. She said, "I don't understand... about why I'd be getting treatment like this. Generally we would do the bare minimum." It felt relieving to be able to speak longer sentences.

"Of course that's what you would do," Yuanry had covered most of the woman's back with the paste, "but you'll learn the differences and similarities soon." The Chirurgeon eventually finished and softly patted Auyn's head, "Now, we'll let that set in and do its work. And while it does..." she leaned closely to Auyn's face, "We can get to know much more about each other!"

The woman's eyes widened before she nervously asked, "How long would that take?"



And Yuanry replied, "Hopefully all night!"


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Sun Apr 26, 2020 11:36 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there GrinningMan! I saw that this chapter of yours is still in the Green Room, so I thought I'd drop by to review it on this lovely Review Day!

This is really interesting so far. I like that even though Auyn is supposedly in a "safe" place, her wounds being tended to by these chimera, there is still a lot of underlying tension to the scene, and she definitely doesn't feel safe. This piques my interest a lot and entices me to read on.

In general, I just felt uneasy after reading this scene, which is really interesting, as from all outward appearances the chimera are being perfectly helpful and friendly. It feels like Auyn is a in a vulnerable situation and like they have ill intentions. I'm not exactly sure why - maybe it's the emphasis on how they're examining her legs and also how they're going to be with her all night, if you take my implication. If you're intending this to feel uncomfortable, you're doing a great job.

A couple small things:

"Oh, is this to be my patient? Patavi told me it was going to be interesting," the Latalani sneaked in, barely making a sound while looking over Auyn's cot

"Sneaked in" really doesn't make sense to me here. She just spoke loudly, so there's no way she's being sneaky, even if her footsteps are quiet.

"A summer child, so the same as I am!" Yuanry finished up her examination of the woman's legs, then stood and checked on the mixture she set on the coals.

Generally speaking, you never want to refer to the POV character in the text as a non-specific pronoun like "the woman" - it makes it seem like you're talking about someone else, because we're supposed to be in Auyn's head and no one thinks of themselves as "the woman." It confused me who you were talking about, and I had to go back and re-read the last couple paragraphs. You do it a couple times throughout the chapter and each time it's confusing. Just use "her" or Auyn's name.

Most of the places where I felt like the flow was interrupted were similar to the two I mentioned above, where you're using a word that's just not quite right for the job. I would recommend going through and reading the chapter out loud, noticing anywhere where you stumble over a word or it just sounds weird. If in doubt, rework the sentence or find a simpler phrase.

Let me know if you have any questions about what I've said. Again, I definitely enjoyed reading this, and found both the characters and the scene itself very engaging despite how simple it is on the surface. Good luck, and keep writing!




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Sun Apr 26, 2020 11:26 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Heya GrinningMan,

Shady here with a review for you this fine Review Day, courtesy of Team Slytherin! Let's get started...

There was an odd cheeriness to this one; if it wasn't apparent by a lithe, wagging tail that whipped through the air.


I would suggest maybe you think about rephrasing this. A phrase like this would be common in the vernacular, like, if a dog is super excited to see someone or a child, and it's quite apparent, then someone might laugh "She's happy to see you if it wasn't apparent by ___" to kind of make a joke of whatever behavior they're pointing out.

But -- you didn't mention to us that the tail was wagging.

So this sort of feels like it's catching me off guard because how is that supposed to be apparent? I can only "see" what you describe to me about your characters. So maybe instead of having the "it wasn't apparent" you could frame this so you can really focus on the cheeriness of the wagging tail and really take a moment to adequately set up that mental image. I think that would strengthen this.

~ ~ ~

This is an interesting story!

I'm jumping into it a bit late since I didn't start at chapter one, so there's a bit of confusion about how all of these characters fit together -- but already I am fascinated by all of these interactions, and I'm positively charmed by the caretaker. You have a knack for making your characters likable from the get-go, so it gives me a reason to read on!

Since this is such a short chapter to begin with I think you've got a bunch of room to work on world-building a bit more. Clearly you've got a bunch of backstory that needs to be included to some degree or another, so it'd be great if you added in some descriptions and more relationships so that I can explore this world a bit more, through the eyes of your character.

Great work! Hope this helped!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Apr 26, 2020 1:30 am
LadyVendetta wrote a review...



Hello, I'm Jade! I can't wait to review your piece today, let's get started!

I'll admit this is the first part I've read, but I'm excited to get started on my review.

OK, my first complaint is the length of the first paragraph is long. As in, you can cut that into three long (maybe I'm exaggerating). The flow is a bit patchy but other than that I have no complaints, great start to character building and it left me very intrigued.

I see one or two spelling mistakes, the flow feels a bit off, and you don't do much describing of the surrounding and too much of the people, leaving us no imagination.

OVERALL:
I enjoyed your story and have few complaints, I'll be reading the first part for sure!

Jade





Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown