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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Tales of Lani: The Beginning

by GrinningMan


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Auyn's eyes opened to show a trodden dirt floor in dim light. Her senses gradually began to come back to her, the first being a rush of a headache. Her mind was buzzed with pain as a searing ache made itself apparent down her spine. Ignoring the pain, she assessed the situation she was in. As far as she could tell, she couldn't move that well and she was stark naked. As her sight became less cloudy, she could make out the cot she was laying in that was lined with fur pelts.

It didn't bode well at all, as she was used to the silk cots in the barrack's infirmary, but what made her heart sank was the leg in the corner of her vision. In this world, she was lucky enough to be born as a Lani, the race that took after their Goddess in purest form. The rest of the races, the Chimera, were abominations that had the core of a Lani, but extremities had more notably monstrous details. There were beasts, and then there were these heretical creatures that defied the nature of their goddess.

This particular one was of the Latalani, who she hadn't seen in person before, but the description was spot on. The core of a Lani, but with extremities covered in scales. Auyn tilted her head up to look at this one more.

"Awake, are you?" The Latalani said. Her chin was placed in a hand covered in a pale white set of scales. The scales tapered off once they got past her elbow, only showing up as little specks before disappearing entirely past her upper biceps. Chipped and broken horns jutted above her head past locks of a dim blonde. Auyn only grunted in response, causing this one to sigh, "I am both relieved and disappointed."

She shifted in a chair placed next to the cot, crossing her legs. For extremities, the scales crawled up all the way to her pelvis, only disappearing around what Auyn guess were her inner thighs. The thickset skirt of the Latalani made it hard to tell. A powerful tail curled around her seat, and only then did the Lani notice the creature's considerable amount of scars, placed upon scale and skin alike. 

"I'm sure you're confused, I find myself confused as well," The other started, "and I hope that whatever comes out of this is beneficial for the both of us. If you're going to allow it." Auyn merely stayed silent, but stared at the Latalani through her brown hair. "You may as well listen, as long as you have that broken back. My name is..." the woman hesitated, unnerved by the other's staring, "... P-Patavi."

"Patavi," Auyn said weakly. The Latalani almost looked surprised and relieved at the same time. "Tell me how I got here." It took a few moments for Auyn to vocalize a coherent sentence, all with the pain washing over her body. 

There was a silence in the room before the creature spoke up, "Needless to say, the moment you laid eyes on me, you attacked. I naturally defended myself and ended up breaking your back." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, "Yet I find that taking pity on you was a mistake. I don't know whether to abhor you for your ancestors or claim that you had no part in it."

Auyn's mind was racing. From what she remembered, Lani began to purge the other races for being corruptions of their goddess's image, but the Latalani were their toughest opposition. They had as much diversity as their own race, but lacked the technology to make up for natural strength. The war with them alone took a whole decade, and thus went into history as the Decade's Attrition. 

The Lani won almost abruptly after they had created gunpowder, and the resulting punishment for the Latalani wasn't genocide like the rest. They killed the last male and allowed the women to wither... yet Patavi still seemed to be in good health.

A snap of the fingers pulled Auyn's mind from wandering; at least it was a good distraction from the pain. The creature sighed again, "The only reason I want to give you a chance is that perhaps I can show the youthful and new generations of Lani that we are not monsters. That none of the Chimera are. As such, you're allowed to stay within our village until your armor and weapons are repaired." She then quickly waved her hand at Auyn's back, "And, of course, your back is properly healed. The Chirurgeon will be in soon."

"And that's going to be it...?" Auyn croaked as she lifted herself up, only to drop down with a squeal of pain. She earned a shake of the head from Pavati, along with a distant look.

"That is what I am hoping for," she said, "I want there to be no altercations in this village. As I said, I am giving you the chance. If you squander it, perhaps the punishment you'll deserve is death, or something worse. Nothing can replace nearly eighty years of suffering." Pavati stood from her chair, and at full height, she would be twice as tall as Auyn. The Latalani moved to the entrance of the room, being the flap of a tent, and hung near it. "The Chirurgeon should return soon and give you more context on the situation at hand. I have business to attend to as Chieftess."

And just like that, Auyn was left alone in the tent, staring back down at the dirt floor. She had a lot to think about, and a lot to worry about. It was all washed away, wave after wave, with pain. Through it all, a single tear drop hit the ground as she waited...


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User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 22

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Tue Mar 31, 2020 9:35 pm
Draculus says...



So.
What have I made out from this part?
First, the author has their own world created and developed enough to write a book. That is one of the factors I always appreciate in any writing - when an author knows a lot about what they write it means they are serious about it and quite creative.
Second, the author is concerned about important issues. How often do we make mistakes treating people, making conclusions about it? How often does the information we know turn out to be false, rumors, or just someone's sick fantasies? If the author writes about something like this, which I see from the relationships of three kinds mentioned in the writing, it means that the author has already got my interest and respect.
Third, the author is talented. I see it in the balanced sentences and a logical way of how the writing is built. I really like the style. And a good style means great potential, as for me.
And fourth, I must say that I excpected the world descriptions to spoil my opinion about the part, because, you know, sometimes it happens when an author can't hold themselves and throws the entire world on their reader all at once, and it's irritating. I was afraid something like this awaits for me here, too, but I was wrong. The small paragraphs where the world's story is mentioned don't make the writing worse, but helps you understand the situation between the characters, understand the way they feel about each other. So yes, it was good.
I hope the author won't stop writing the story. I'm sure it has a big chance of getting popular if the author keeps on doing it the very same way or even better.

Sincerely yours,
Drak.




User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 22

Donate
Tue Mar 31, 2020 9:35 pm
View Likes
Draculus wrote a review...



So.
What have I made out from this part?
First, the author has their own world created and developed enough to write a book. That is one of the factors I always appreciate in any writing - when an author knows a lot about what they write it means they are serious about it and quite creative.
Second, the author is concerned about important issues. How often do we make mistakes treating people, making conclusions about it? How often does the information we know turn out to be false, rumors, or just someone's sick fantasies? If the author writes about something like this, which I see from the relationships of three kinds mentioned in the writing, it means that the author has already got my interest and respect.
Third, the author is talented. I see it in the balanced sentences and a logical way of how the writing is built. I really like the style. And a good style means great potential, as for me.
And fourth, I must say that I excpected the world descriptions to spoil my opinion about the part, because, you know, sometimes it happens when an author can't hold themselves and throws the entire world on their reader all at once, and it's irritating. I was afraid something like this awaits for me here, too, but I was wrong. The small paragraphs where the world's story is mentioned don't make the writing worse, but helps you understand the situation between the characters, understand the way they feel about each other. So yes, it was good.
I hope the author won't stop writing the story. I'm sure it has a big chance of getting popular if the author keeps on doing it the very same way or even better.

Sincerely yours,
Drak.




User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 2144
Reviews: 21

Donate
Tue Mar 31, 2020 3:08 am
albedo wrote a review...



Hello!

Just a few errors that I would like to point out.

"the race that took after their Goddess in purest form."

The word 'The' should be before the word purest.

"Auyn guess were her inner thighs."

The word 'Were' should be the word 'was.'

"curled around her seat,"

The comma after the word seat is should be removed.

"Auyn merely stayed silent, but stared at the Latalani"

Remove the comma after the word silent.

"their own race, but lacked the technology"

The comma after the word race is not needed.

"The war with them alone took a whole decade,"

The comma after the word decade should also be removed.

"Through it all, a single tear drop hit the ground as she waited..."

The words tear and drop should be conjoined.

Overall, I really think that this is a really great piece. I hope you keep up the hard work and KEEP WRITING!
:)





You are in the wrong land even if the roosters recognize you.
— Nathalie Handal, "Noir, une lumière"