Is this a fickle thing? Please let me know when you are able.
My voice-box splits in two (I am a tūi on Mondays.
If this is inconvenient to you,
please notify my great-great-great-grandmother —
she is available under the next moon.
Don't be shocked when she speaks without words
and you think you can understand her
both well and infinitely).
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hey wolfy <3 I'll be using the Critique Sandwich review method for you today.
1. The Bread
What I like about this poem is that it's pretty short yet it gets to the point. What I mean is that if you read it, you will understand what's happening without having to double take, especially since this is a shorter poem. I'm a big fan of poetry written like this because of how straightforward it is while having room to be interpreted.
I love this beginning. It introduces a very defined idea and atmosphere to the poem that it somehow remains carrying all the way to the end. I love how you chose to use the word "fickle" and it's meaning of "changing frequently" paired with the later stage of them being a bird but only in a partial, incomplete way. The speaker using words like "please" along with the first sentence being a question is interesting too.
I think that if I had to assign a theme or meaning to this poem as a whole, I'd pick heritage and/or ancestry. Tūi are native to New Zealand, and it's generally perceived that they are birds that have seen a lot of history. The mention of great-great-great-great-grandmothers and moons are all staples in indigenous culture's ancestor worship. It weaves together nicely with the bit about "understanding both well and infinitely" as well, as it's commonly just a thing that happens and is respected by many folks.
2. The Meat
I agree with the other reviewer that there is some tension between the reader and the characteristics portrayed - an example is: I think that even though the introduction is written quite well that it might not make the best sense. It almost feels like you've taken this from out of a larger poem where everything is explained better. Now, I like poetry that feels rushed or sloppy, but I prefer foreshadowing above all.
I assume you use the tūi because the name rhymes with two, but for me, it doesn't really work that well. You can go all out with rhyme or just not use it, and the in between is really hard to find if you don't look hard enough. I really like how it feels juxtaposed with the gritty image of a voice-box splitting down the middle, but the bird image rushes in. You can probably catch that I'm following a theme - your pacing.
What I suggest to fix that is:
1. Reread your poem a day after you've finished writing it. This personally helps me catch the more obvious issues in pacing, so it might work for you.
2. Ask someone else to read it for you. This is only if you feel comfortable with such, and I think that it speaks for itself with how it might help you out.
3. Look into more connective images. If there's a bird in the poem, you can find some images that include birds without being just about the obvious.
3. The Other Piece of Bread I Guess?
To restate the idea of this review, the main thing I'd work on is pacing and how your imagery fits together as a collective grouping. Look over your writing and decide what you like and what you don't and on it from there. Besides all of that, I think you're good - this was a really nice poem, and maybe my interpretations are right.
Happy RevMo <3
-- chi
Interesting poem.I liked how you wrote it.It sounds like it could have many different meanings,but you don't tell us what those meanings are.It is for us to figure out and I love that.This gives me "Alice in Wonderland" vibes.Could it be a riddle or a secret message? Who even knows?
Great job!
I love this kind of poems and as a result I will review it. Hi Grimm, I saw you reviewing some work I also reviewed, loved your avatar and took a glance in your works. Then I saw this in green room and wanted to review it. Here I go
I find the poem to be composed of only two lines, with the others acting as a child to the second line.
You introduced your work quite nicely by using a rhetorical question. The word fickle carries this whole poem on its shoulders. Then, the reader is asked (politely) to let the persona know when is it able to comprehend the speaking without words, which is evolved in later stages of this poem.
The voice-box splitting further adds to the whimsical nature of this poem. The persona is perceived both as a human (implied by the presence of a great-great-great-grandmother which without other details we can safely assume it is a human great-great-great-grandmother) and a honey eating bird (tūi). I love how you added a catch to it, the persona's being a bird only on Mondays. This also adds a layer of antithesis to it. Mondays are generally perceived as the worst day of the week but the presence of a tūi in it, adds a layer of sweetness and a splash of color in a dull Monday day with this bird being a nectar eater.
The reader is offered some help with comprehending the true being of the persona by the great-great-great-grandmother. As all good things, this aid has its conditions as well with the first being to wait for the next moon. It adds the dimension of patience to a otherwise plain and simple reader being, and also adds the double dimension of either being able to understand her well and infinitely or thinking of understanding her.
This is a pretty nice poem with its intriguing reader building. I love what you did, but if I were you I would have added some more characteristics and things to meet in the reader/comprehender. GOOD JOB <33 Keep writing, happy RevMo