Hey wolfy <3 I'll be using the Critique Sandwich review method for you today.
1. The Bread
What I like about this poem is that it's pretty short yet it gets to the point. What I mean is that if you read it, you will understand what's happening without having to double take, especially since this is a shorter poem. I'm a big fan of poetry written like this because of how straightforward it is while having room to be interpreted.
Is this a fickle thing? Please let me know when you are able.
I love this beginning. It introduces a very defined idea and atmosphere to the poem that it somehow remains carrying all the way to the end. I love how you chose to use the word "fickle" and it's meaning of "changing frequently" paired with the later stage of them being a bird but only in a partial, incomplete way. The speaker using words like "please" along with the first sentence being a question is interesting too.
Don't be shocked when she speaks without words
and you think you can understand her
both well and infinitely).
I think that if I had to assign a theme or meaning to this poem as a whole, I'd pick heritage and/or ancestry. Tūi are native to New Zealand, and it's generally perceived that they are birds that have seen a lot of history. The mention of great-great-great-great-grandmothers and moons are all staples in indigenous culture's ancestor worship. It weaves together nicely with the bit about "understanding both well and infinitely" as well, as it's commonly just a thing that happens and is respected by many folks.
2. The Meat
I agree with the other reviewer that there is some tension between the reader and the characteristics portrayed - an example is: I think that even though the introduction is written quite well that it might not make the best sense. It almost feels like you've taken this from out of a larger poem where everything is explained better. Now, I like poetry that feels rushed or sloppy, but I prefer foreshadowing above all.
My voice-box splits in two (I am a tūi on Mondays.
I assume you use the tūi because the name rhymes with two, but for me, it doesn't really work that well. You can go all out with rhyme or just not use it, and the in between is really hard to find if you don't look hard enough. I really like how it feels juxtaposed with the gritty image of a voice-box splitting down the middle, but the bird image rushes in. You can probably catch that I'm following a theme - your pacing.
What I suggest to fix that is:
1. Reread your poem a day after you've finished writing it. This personally helps me catch the more obvious issues in pacing, so it might work for you.
2. Ask someone else to read it for you. This is only if you feel comfortable with such, and I think that it speaks for itself with how it might help you out.
3. Look into more connective images. If there's a bird in the poem, you can find some images that include birds without being just about the obvious.
3. The Other Piece of Bread I Guess?
To restate the idea of this review, the main thing I'd work on is pacing and how your imagery fits together as a collective grouping. Look over your writing and decide what you like and what you don't and on it from there. Besides all of that, I think you're good - this was a really nice poem, and maybe my interpretations are right.
Happy RevMo <3
-- chi
Points: 0
Reviews: 218
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