Young Writers Society

Griffinkeeper wrote:Thank you very much!

I edited it to reflect your observations. I hope they're satisfactory.

Whoo. Grif's poetry. So yea, my two cents on it...

So I was brought
towards my fate,
I thanked the lord for what I got,
for the maw could wait.
^ There doesn't seem to be enough beats in the first two lines.

She invites me in,
with a look and grin.
Shattered, destroyed, my atoms fly around.
Being polite, they don't make a sound.
^ For the second line, I think it should be 'a look and a grin'. Also, the third lines reads a bit confusing the first time through. For some reason, those commas made me a bit confused... don't ask. I liked the fourth line of that a lot, though.

I'm quite happy now,
for once I have some regularity.
For gone is the pain from the pow,
I'm one with the singularity.
^Hmm... transition from the stanza above it to this one seemed a little weird, but maybe I'm just missing something.

I liked it, Grif. It was intriguing to read. And funny, at some points, too. Nice job!

No, no point came across very well. I was just looking at it structurally. Perhaps, take out the word 'choose', hmm... really it's fine the way it is now.

CL

Thanks CL!

I changed most of it, with this exception.

For as I chose in life,
so I would choose in death;
how I would draw
my final breath.

Beautiful and breathtaking,
the blackness of the maw,
her power leaves me quaking,
she leaves everyone in awe.

I bow humbly to this first stanza and its rhyme.

They gave me a choice,
"How would you like to die?"
When I found my voice,
I could only say "Why?" - I would rather have ask than say, there is a little catch on the tongue with 'say', being that there is two other y ending words in this line. Also the fact that the 'Why?' is a question, not a statement.

For as I chose in life,
so I would choose in death;
how I would draw
my final breath.

- There is a muddied quality to the first two lines of the above stanza, perhaps: For I chose in life/What I would in death;

So I was brought
to my fate,
I repented for what I ought,
for the maw could wait.

- 3rd line, too many words; as it stands now it throws the meter and rhyme off. perhaps cutting it down to just: I repented or adding more two lines 1 & 2 to fill it out.

But no longer.
Into the capsule I go,
feeling just a little stronger,
for my power is in what I know.

- lines 3 & 4 I would reword to: feeling just a bit stronger / my power is in what I know

For I would know,
what scientists could only guess.
In death my mind would grow,
now who would be the best?

Towards the maw I go.

Time goes by
As the capsule starts to turn.
For what is my final goodbye,
I've passed the point of no return.

There is no turning back.
The maw has a hold on me.
My body is on the ultimate rack.
I can only watch the spaghettification
in fascination.

- you have got this fabulous rhymth going up until the last. I would move the lines around to: There is no turning back. / The maw has a hold on me. / I can only watch the spaghettification / in fascination. / My body on the ultimate rack., makes is flow nicer.

Gravity rips me up,
like the suns before me.
"Hello maw, wassup?
Want to have some tea?"

- snicker, snicker. made me think of Douglas Adams.

She invites me in,
with a pretty look and grin.
Shattered, destroyed, my atoms fly around.
Being polite, they don't make a sound.

- I would shorten that second sentence to: with a look and a grin. I like the last being about the atoms being quiet.

I'm quite happy now,
for once I have some regularity.
For gone is the pain from the pow,
I'm one with the singularity.

- Another fabulous, flawless stanza for the dismount, and he sticks it.

This is a pretty spiffy poem, Griff, me likes it a lots, a lots. So I have added some notes in my line by line just as ideas for changes, after all it's your poem. Hope this helps.

Ciao CL.

Thank you very much!

I edited it to reflect your observations. I hope they're satisfactory.

Beautiful and breathtaking,
the blackness of the maw,
her power leaves me quaking,
she leaves everyone else in awe.

I like this stanza. The last line has a word too many, I think. I suggest leaving out 'else', it doesn't fit well with the rhythm.

They gave me a choice,
"How would you like to die?"
When I found my voice,
I could only say "Why?"

Good stanza. It's kinda plain, but I suggest leaving it the way it is. It fits well and does not need anything more.

For as I chose in life,
so I would chose in death,
just how I would draw my final breath.

I don't understand this stanza. To me, it does not make any meaning. The second line is grammatically incorrect..I'm not sure how you want it but I think it should be 'choose' not 'chose'.

So I was brought,
to my fate,
I repented for the things I thought I ought,
for the maw could wait.

The comma in the first line breaks the flow of the words..I think leaving it out would be much better. The third line is a bit too long for the stanza itself, so I suggest shortening it or lengthening the last line.

But no longer.
Into the capsule I go,
feeling just a little stronger,
for my power is in what I know.

Pretty good stanza. If I were you, though, I would add 'for' between 'but' and 'no'..I'm not sure why it sounds better to me but I'm just suggesting.

For I would know,
what scientists could only guess.
In death my mind would grow,
now who was the best?

This sentence is a bit confusing. In the first line, you are telling us something that would happen in the future (you would know what scientists could only guess), and as you get to the third line, you are still future tense, but the last line just suddenly switches to past tense..the use of 'now' only makes it more confusing since that word is used for present tense.

Towards the maw I go.

Time goes by,
As the capsule starts to turn.
For what is my final goodbye,
I've passed the point of no return.

There is no need of the comma in the first line.

There is no turning back.
The maw has a hold on me.
My body is on the ultimate rack.
I can only watch the spaghettification
in fascination.

I love that word! Spaghettification..my new favorite word.

Gravity rips me up,
like the suns before me.
"Hello maw, wassup?
Want to have some tea?"

The last two lines made me smile among all of the seriousness before this stanza. Good work so far.

She invites me in,
with a pretty look and grin.
Shattered, destroyed, my atoms fly around.
Being polite, they don't make a sound.

Good simile in the first two lines, I liked that. The last line is amusing.

I'm quite happy now,
for once of I have some regularity.
For gone is the pain from the pow,
I'm one with the singularity.

I don't understand the second line. Should you exclude the 'of'? it certainly makes sense when I do that.

Good work overall. I really enjoyed reading this. I hope I gave some help.

-*Shimmer