Published July 16, 2009
My very first post. Thanks for viewing it. Anyways, here a poem that i wrote a little while ago when i was falling asleep, but needs editing. I don't do poems often, as you can probably tell.
The dancing moonlight, stars abri
To taste the dawn break, soft, subside
The woman in the corner, the smells of sweat and cheap perfume
Don't tread on thin ice, thats where the creatures loom
It'll lure you in the moonlight, its fake features aglow
Its tender, swift movements, its feel and its flow
The piercing blue eyes with frozen reflections of skies
Its full deep-stained lips that spin beautiful lies
Pale skin of it youth that will never fade of wither
Black free-flowing hair, with its waves and its slither
She hides in the silence of winter, waiting, secluded
Preys off your sadness, now pureness deluted
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140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
thank you very much for all the editing and comments! As for the word abri, its a cave, but i just found out its pronounced "uh-bree" so it looks like ill have to change it anyways. ill try to change it around and update it if i get it sounding right! thanks again!
ill post a new poem i wrote last night in a second.
Hiya Greyed! Glad to see you've reviewed.
I am here to review!
Nit-Picks:
*looks up 'abri'* Nope, it's not a word. I suppose you meant abroad? That would make much more sense.
'thats' should be that's.
There should be a comma after 'full'.
Flow:
Like Vyper pointed out, some parts didn't flow too well. Read it over yourself, and I'm sure you'll pick it out. Some parts flowed beautifully, though, like these two lines:
Now that's gold!
Content:
It seems that your ideas were a bit jumpy and at times it was hard to see what you were trying to get across. In your first stanza, what was told to the reader seemed unimportant, when in fact you were talking about the woman. I think you should simply begin referring to the woman, because after all, that's what it's about. A pretty starry night has little to do with anything, and although it is nice to read, it's rather unnecessary.
Punctuation:
There was no punctuation at the end of your lines, and that could have contributed greatly to the flow of this poem. I don't think it's absolutely necessary, but it could certainly help. The punctuation within the lines, though, was good.
Overall:
This poem was hauntingly beautiful. I liked the visual I got from reading it and would love to read more. Tell me when you've written more poetry, because I'll be happy to review it.
Wow. I loved it. =] Everything fit together perfectly to me. =] good job. WaterVyper really found all the little mistakes, so I can just tell you that you're a really great writer and you should definitely write more.
_Writing for love is a passion_
Hello Greyed! It's nice to meet you. The first thing that jumped out at me was the vivid imagery here. I can almost see everything happening. Now, on to a few nitpicks first.
I believe you're missing the end of the word there.
Here, the line is too long. It's definitely longer than the other parts of the stanza, and that throws off the flow a little. If you read the poem out loud, I believe you'll see where the rhythm needs to be worked on.
Here, the images are very strong, but the rhythm is a little off. It's a bit too long compared to the last stanza. And a few corrections in bold.
Overall, I'd say that this poem is beautiful. You really know how to use images to your advantage. I'm surprised that you don't write poems often. This imagery will serve you well when writing fiction.
My favorite section of the poem has to be this part below:
The melodic and lyrical feel of these two lines is amazing. I love the in-line rhyming in the first line, and the words you chose were very nice.
This is a very lively poem. I'd like to see more of your poems sometime. If you have any questions about this review, feel free to PM me.