Cement. Who would have guessed that gravel and sand would have been the realization of my youth dying. As it dries, adheres to earth, it took my childhood. My handprints stamped into its substance, the tires from my first bicycle now molded with the zigzags of the rubber. I can still hear my father.
“Don’t go through the cones, it’s wet still!”.
I didn’t know what “it” was. Now I know. Now I know that by disturbing the cement, by marking my territory, I would be faced with a swallowing feeling of sorrow every time I walked by. I would have to be reminded that no longer am I small and frail who, when raising my arms, would be effortlessly lifted up. Instead, I am small and frail; raising my arms just to find myself being put down. I have been robbed by concrete.
But the birds still sing, and the water still runs. The world will not stop for anyone but itself.
It is now 8:00 pm and the pillows along my bed are perfectly contrived so no one can see me. This university often makes me want to align any sort of barrier along my body and face to be hidden. I am a saturnine taste to the tongue, an eye-sore with too much to say and little to give; not welcome in a place like this. My father keeps telling me “You’ve got this. Hang in there!”.
But I don’t have a smidge of anything.
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140,067 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
Hi!! majuli here to review!!
I really liked this. It feels honest, like someone finally says the thing they’ve been carrying around for years.
The cement metaphor is so unique!! I didn’t expect something as simple as gravel and sand to become a symbol for growing up, but it works. I could actually see the handprints, the tire tracks, and that moment when a kid does something they don’t realize will matter later.
And the shift into university life hit hard. I’ve felt that “barrier of pillows” thing before, and the way you describe hiding yourself is just SO accurate. I think the tone you used, the mix of poetic lines with blunt, almost defeated admissions, makes it feel real. It kept be relating to everything.
If I’m being honest, I found myself wanting some relief or hope, but maybe the absence of that is the whole point. The contrast between your father’s encouragement and your own emptiness at the end? Shatteing.
It’s raw, vivid, and feels kind of like a monologue. Loved it.
Keep writing!!
Hello Grey, first of all: welcome to YWS.
Second of all: great little piece you have here.
When I started reading this, I saw the marks in the cement as positive things, as signs that the character had left their own permanent mark on the world, so I was unsure how it robbed their childhood until...
I notice the other review highlighted this one too, but I have to reiterate it. It's a really poignant juxtaposition. And with that small section completely re-frames the whole story for me.
But let's do a more structured feedback (as always take what resonates and discard what doesn't work for you):
Overall: I think it carries a very somber and helpless mood that you're trying to express very well, and pairs that with a longing for the simpler more carefree times of childhood. I love the execution of that.
Improvements?: I'd say my only feedback for improvement is that it could be fleshed out more. It works well as a form of prose, but it feels like you've restrained some of what you want to express. I'd love it if you could dig deeper into some of the feelings towards the end, in particular why the character feels this way. There's a lot of strong feelings that have built up between the character's childhood and adult life and I feel like it would add to the story to explore some of that transition.
But that's all the feedback I have to offer on this, it was beautifully emotional and brought a tear to my eye. Thanks for sharing it here!
Take care, and keep on writing!
Hello friend!
Welcome to YWS! I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.
On first impressions, this was really incredible and poetic! It's a quick little narrative about growing up and still seeing your past ingrained in the cement from activities of your childhood that slowly turns into the bittersweet reality of adult life.
If I could offer any sort of advice, I wouldn't! You did a really great job with everything! The details and figurative language were beautiful and painted an amazingly vivid picture that went perfectly with the short story that was being told.
If I had to pick my favorite part, it would be the transition from being a little kid to being an adult in university. In just a few words, you were able to encapsulate what I imagine the feeling to be like. Saying,
This is insanely well done, so kudos to you!
Overall, this was a remarkable piece with so many incredible features that all readers look for when they read! It was certainly well done, and I wish to see more from you popping up in the future!
Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!
Wow! I never expected to get such an uplifting response! Thank you for taking the time to read my work and giving your feedback, it really does mean a lot to me. I am glad that you enjoyed it and I cannot wait to read your works too!